Stopping the lies

I've recently been reading Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer and I can't seem to stop reading it! She made me realize the ED voice even more. I realized it was with me when I looked in the mirror, ate out, and really just thought about food overall. After thinking about it, these are some of the conversations I realized I do not have with myself, but with the ED.

To eating out:

Ed: Remember, look at the calorie amount BEFORE you go out. Or else only get vegetables

Me: But the fried rice looks really good!

Ed: Oh my.. xxx calories for one serving! No. You are getting the vegetables.

Me: .. Fine.

To eating at home:

Ed:You should find that diet journal that you used to have

Me: The one that counted all the calories, fat grams, everything?

Ed: Yeah, that way I can control what you eat more.. I mean, you can control what you eat

Me: I honestly would rather eat xxxx calories a day. Not your amount.

Ed: Welll, if you do that you have to work out. Finding the diet journal would be a good idea

Me: ...Fine.

To looking in the mirror after a "binge":

Ed: Whoa, look who's gotten fat! You shouldn't eat tomorrow.

Me: But I just got all my favorite foods! I want to eat them..

Ed: If you eat a small amount and work out it should be fine

Me: But i don't want to do that either

Ed: You're going out to eat on Thursday. You have to prepare for that so you don't swell up like a big balloon. Drink lots of water so you don't get full. Do sit ups and squats too. Your legs & stomach are really fat.

Me: I think that you're just telling me that. What if I'm actually really skinny and listening to you will make me look like a walking skeleton?

Ed: It won't. Just listen to me, just this once.....

Me: .....Fine.

Wow, that is NOT me saying those things. Yeah, it seems really crazy at first to have a conversation going on inside your head but if that was a real person talking to us, would it seem as crazy? No. It wouldn't.

If we see Ed as an actual person, maybe we really can stop the lies. Sometimes, you really think that it's you saying these things, but it's not. It's the eating disorder. The eating disorder is making me think every time I eat out I have to look up the calories before. If the calories are not on the website, I can not eat there. Or, if the calories on the entree I want are too high, I can't get that. If I go to a restaurant, I have to get a small salad. Without dressing, cheese, and the things that actually make the salad taste good!

But you know what? I want to eat out without looking at the menu beforehand! I want to go shopping without the ED whispering fat in my ear, or saying good job if I'm thin that week. I want to be able to eat whatever I want and not look at the calories at all. I want to go to a restaurant without trying to scope out the lowest calorie thing on the menu, because my mom usually gets something really good and I'm sitting there with a small cold salad.

These are things that I am going to tell the new clinic when I see them after thanksgiving. The new clinic will hopefully help me eat more because I've been eating even less lately, maybe they can even eat with me sometimes? I hope so.

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A new thing I've wanted to start doing is Favorites of the Week. Whether it's a favorite video, food, books, I'll be sharing the favorites of the week every week(:

I'm really loving Breakfast Cookies lately. They're really good! A little more expensive than other cookies, but they're organic and they're reallyy good.

Amy's brown rice, tofu, and vegetable bowl. I've been eating this for a long time and it's really good! I think my favorite part is the tofu.


Chobani Greek yogurt! This is the fruit on the bottom kind. This is also really good(: I love it because it has 14 grams of protein in it and it's different from regular yogurt.



Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer. If anyone hasn't read this yet, you have to read it! It's a great book and it really opened my eyes to a lot of unsolved issues.


And lastly, the movie Billy Madison. Adam Sandler is in this one and he's hilarious! He makes the whole movie. I watch this whenever I'm sad and it always cheers me up.



Hope everyone has a good day!(:

The only people you need in your life, are the ones who make you feel good about yourself

People make mistakes. We jump into things too quickly, and we go back to people who didn't make us feel good, just because we need people. I made this mistake.

People always tell me- You're so mature for your age! Yeah, I guess I am. But I really wish I wasn't.

As I mentioned before, I was going to have a sleepover today. I was so excited. I got some diet pop, some pop tarts, went to therapy, picked J up and headed over. It was pretty fun when we first got there. We all talked and laughed about stupid stuff for 2 hours. Then, I had to go to the bathroom because I had just drank a ton of diet pop. I got back from the bathroom, they're laughing and I felt so left out. It just went downhill from there. It's like they formed their own group that I wasn't allowed in on. I did everything I possibly could to keep from crying. I called my mom, told them I was "sick", and I went home.

I was SO sad afterward. It was my first time hanging out with people my age again, and it was awful. They didn't really put any effort into trying to include me in the fun. I felt so bad about myself, I felt boring, useless, and hopeless about life overall.

But later, I realized that not everyone is like that. There are some mature people my age out there. I can't just label my whole age group as immature. Maybe that school and the people that go there, but not everyone.

I have to keep thinking, I will meet some wonderful people. I have to stay positive. I have to see my future as bright. Not gloomy, dark & depressing.

But what I have learned, is no one likes feeling left out. So when I'm hanging out with people and someone is feeling left out, I will do everything I can to make them feel included and accepted.

I have a big heart. I just need people to fill it with.

Jealousy

I think Jealousy is the worst emotion someone can experience. It is for me anyway. And I guess I have to admit, I was always jealous of J. She was so well liked. Now, she just got a boyfriend. And how am I coping with it? By not eating/: I realize that this is so selfish. I should be happy for her that she's happy instead of not eating and feeling jealous.

I also have to realize that, things will get better. There will be a time in my life, where I don't feel like curling up in a ball and crying all the time. God is helping me not feel jealousy. But, I am sort of grateful that I am feeling some sort of emotion, instead of feeling numb all the time. I've realized that I shouldn't feel this way, and I'm trying to move on from it.

It's just hard to feel good about yourself, when it seems like a person has the perfect life. A boyfriend, a good family, babysitting, and a ton of friends, when you yourself don't have any of those things.

But, on a good note, I have finally decided to go to a different eating disorder clinic. I can't just have a good dietitian and a bad therapist. It has to be equal. I really need help and I need someone that will be there for me. Not only do I not have a good connection with this therapist, but her schedule does not work with mine. I can't just not see my therapist for a week. That does damage for me.

So the place I've decided to go to is great(: There's so many therapist's, dietitian's, and phychiatrists. They have four levels of outpatient care and it sounds like they work with you a lot(: So I would see a therapist and dietitian and probably someone else once a week. They're there a lot so we won't have to worry about schedules.

I just have to let God help me through this. If I let him guide me, I will not feel jealous anymore. I will be happy and content with my life. And when I really think about it, I shouldn't be jealous! I don't want a boyfriend now. Boys are not exactly.. mature enough for me yet. And with all the issues I'm dealing with, I wouldn't want them to know about any of that.

So, life gets better. I just have to keep saying that over and over- it gets better. Because it applies to people with eating disorders too. I just have to have faith that it will.

Still Sick

warning: may be triggering

I'm stuck. Today, my period came back and I know I should see that as a good sign, but I don't. The ED keeps taunting me saying it came back already?! you're so fat. Please lose weight you're so worthless. I'm so sick of looking at myself, all I see is fat. All I see is a problem that needs to be fixed.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I skipped breakfast, lunch, and only ate dinner on Friday. I even tried to work out, but I ended up barely doing anything because I was so weak from lack of food. And today, I also ate less. Not a lot less, but I also biked and walked today and it's less than I usually eat.

I really wish I wasn't stuck on the roller coaster of emotions. Sad, fat, guilty, depressed, happy, hyper, mad. All happening within one day. I just want to jump off because I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle the guilt of eating more and gaining weight. It's too much for me to handle. I freak out over a 1/2 lb gain!

I realize now, that I am not perfect. There is no way for me to be happy 24/7. But something needs to change. I had an appointment with my doctor today, and she thinks I need a new clinic. Sure, this one has gotten me far, but I need to move on. Or else I'm going to keep on going backwards in recovery.

I have to keep reminding myself why I want recovery. I want it because:

-I want to be able to eat whatever I want, and work out every other day

-I want to bake without worrying if I'm going to eat too much

-I want to eat at the cheesecake factory and be able to eat the next day

-I want to have a normal mind. Meaning, no guilt over eating or thinking about food too much

-I don't want to be overly cold anymore

-I want to have kids one day (before I'm 28)

I need recovery. I want it, but I'm afraid. Afraid of being fat. Afraid of feeling worthless all the time. But the truth is, I'm sick of this. I want to eat at least 1,500 calories and work out and not feel guilty. I want to have the energy to run 5 miles.

I guess I'll just see what happens. I know what is best for myself, but it's hard to actually do that. The ED, is NOT going to win. I will win this fight, even if it takes forever.

Friends make life worthwhile

Okay, sorry I've been totally MIA for the past few days, but I've had a lot on my mind.

So, I finally talked to J again. We've been talking a lot since yesterday. I guess it was kind of mutual. So you guys were right. We both really missed each other and we missed hanging out together. And I found out something really interesting. She has an ED too!

After my experience this summer, all the pieces really came together. I always thought about the past, so it made sense. She was very skinny in 7th and 8th grade. And not just average skinny, very very skinny. The summer of 8th grade, she started eating more and I think she mentioned she was seeing a dietitian. That was when my ED was first starting up, so I didn't really put much thought into it.

Towards the end of the summer, she started giving some of her clothes away to C. They didn't fit her anymore, so she couldn't wear them. But thinking about it all, I have to say she hid it well. I'm an really open person so I'm bad at hiding things. I've never really told many people like, in person about it. I've told my cousin, who doesn't understand, and one of my other friends who was into modeling and had an ED too. This was in the middle of the year last year. We were both so confused. Lets call this girl, H. H, felt bad about what she ate. She wanted to model too. She wasn't the skinniest person, but she looked really great. She just never realized it herself. Me and H always texted each other when we "overate" last winter and gave each other tips on restricting.

After I didn't have a class with H, we didn't talk that much anymore. But I did recently talk to her, and it sounds like she's doing well. She's given up on modeling but she's happy for me that I'm starting.

Anyway back to the main topic, me and J are pretty much friends again. She has really grown up in the past 6 months. I told her she can text me whenever she feels bad or alone and we talked about getting better. But, I have decided not to be friends with C again. Although she may seem like a sweet person, there is something off there. Something that is not right. I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I mention her.

So all in all, I'm happy now(: I see everything falling into place, everything better. I'm going to get my studies taken care of, I'm having a sleepover with J & some friends next weekend, I'm going to try to keep pursuing modeling, and I'm finallyy going to start studying for my permit test. Sooner or later, this ED will slowly disappear. My life will be so great, there will be no room for an eating disorder. At all.

Life? Don't talk to me about life..

I've been feeling really really sad lately. My mom blames it on Facebook, but that's not really it. Facebook allows me to talk to people and almost reconnect with people. Just lately.. I don't know. Right now I just feel like there's a huge hole in my heart. There's something missing.

I added one of my old friends on Facebook today. She was pretty nice, but there was one small problem with her. Lets call her C. So C was almost obsessed with one of my other best friends. Lets call her J. C copied almost everything J did. J sometimes got really mad about it but I think it was me that got the most upset. When C always fawned over J- "oh my gosh you're so pretty, you're sooooo funnny! I LOVE your hairr!!!" I almost felt really upset and left out. Was I honest about that? No, I never was. People my age never say how they really feel, like ever. Most people my age, just pretend to be this person that is cool, that people will like.

I realize now, I should have been honest with them instead of trying to not hang out with C as much. But it was hard. I HATE hurting any one's feelings. So I always hung out with J. Me and J always had fun, but since I never wanted to mention C, the friendship was hard. We eventually stopped talking to each other. And.. I miss them both. We all made each other laugh and had a great time together. I should have just let it go or told them the truth instead of ignoring a problem.

The bad part is, I can't admit to them that I miss them. I want them to admit that they miss me. I don't really want to be rejected. I don't want to reach out to them because I was always the one doing that. I want people to reach out and text me for once. To care.

From here, I guess God will guide me. If I listen close enough, I can listen to him. From now on, I will be a selfless person. I was not one last year, I was a mean girl. God was still there at the time, but I was not even listening to him at all. I have to listen to him now. Now, I can hear him. He'll guide me in the right direction of who I'm supposed to be friends with.

Halloween

I used to love Halloween. I loved dressing up in cute costumes and going trick or treating. Of course I stopped trick or treating a few years ago and started going to parties and I think that's what got me sad yesterday.

Last year, I watched a lot of scary movies with my best friends, answered the door, and had a lot of fun. The year before that, I went to a party and had a sleepover with some friends. This year, was very different. I had no plans. And that's what made me sad. I don't like to live in the past, but I've been doing that a lot lately. I used to have soo much fun with my old friends. And I miss them. But am I going to tell them that? No. I'm not really sure if I miss them exactly, but maybe the fun I had with them. There was a lot of drama too but the good times outweighed the bad.

This Halloween, I was really sad. I got really really sad because I had no plans. Then I went to look in the mirror, and I saw fat. Weird, because I haven't felt fat in two weeks. After that I wanted to skip my snack and dinner. And then I realized something.

This is the ED doing it's job again! It swoops in and is like - hey I'll take care of this! Ewww.. you're really fat. You should skip dinner. Then you'll be too weak to even think about the past. In a way, it's sort of good but not really. I can't rely on my eating disorder to take the pain away. But I can't just sit with it either.

I actually did end up doing something later. I went out to eat with my dad and my grandma and met up with cousins after that. And, I forgot it was even Halloween! The weird thing is, I really did enjoy myself. I didn't feel guilty about what I was eating. We went to a sushi restaurant and I love going there. Even though I'm not a meat eater anymore, there do have lots of vegetarian options. I ended up getting this Chinese stir fry pancake thing and green tea mochi. I had fun and completely forgot about everything. And that's the way it should be. I shouldn't feel sad and then have the ED take it away. I should have fun.

So what now? Well.. I really think I should start volunteering. And going to church. We have found a really good one. They have a great message and I don't feel bored when I go there. I actually feel inspired for once. I should also start volunteering at the humane society. I love dogs and that would be perfect!

As soon as I get out of this "funk", I think it will help me recover from the ED. Because if I'm happy, the ED doesn't try to take that away. If I'm happy and content with my life, there's no room for an eating disorder.