Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Last night, I went to the clinic again. They never show me my weight, and the family therapist said I could probably start seeing my weight and growth charts and stuff soon. So after that we saw the nutritionist and that went well also, and I got weighed and stuff and met with my doctor. I think she was almost sorta mad, because she said that I made no progress so far. As in, I have not gained any weight since we started at the clinic a month ago.

I'm not sure why that made me mad and happy and the same time, but it did. I think Ed was happy because he had fooled me into thinking I'd gained at least 5 lbs so far and I was mad because recovery isn't always about the weight. Yes, I do have to get to a healthy weight so I can actually work out again and finally get rid of Ed, but just because I'm not gaining any weight so far doesn't mean that I'm not doing any mental progress.

I've made so much mental progress since getting to the clinic. Like;

-I'm no longer afraid of pasta. Like last week my mom was going grocery shopping and I asked her if she could pick up mac & cheese too. The regular kind. That's totally out of character for me! I haven't asked that in months.

-I'm eating more than I have been in 6 months

-I'm finally incorporating more protein into my diet

-I'm actually starting to be a little okay with weight gain. Before I was REALLY afraid. I would do everything not to gain weight. Now, I'm fine. Weight gain is scary, but I have to gain to live.

-I'm no longer afraid of eating out. Before I would "plan" to eat less the day before eating out, or just avoid it altogether. Now I don't really care and eating out is actually really fun!

So, recovery is NOT just about the weight but I will try harder to gain weight. And not count calories. That's really hard. Even though I'm not actually getting a calculator and counting, its a habit to just estimate and count in my head. Just staring at a piece of food and knowing the calories then adding them up. It's a really bad habit. I'll have to try really hard to break it. I'll do everything I can to not be threatened with inpatient again. I can beat this awful illness without inpatient.


  1. Woop! Go Danielle!
    You HAVE made progress. Keep it up hun!

  2. Your mental progress is great! I'm so happy that you're noticing it and enjoying the changes. :) Keep it up - you're winning!

  3. I understand about be happy and sad when you first start re-feeding yourself and weight is brought up!

    This was a very shaky time for me - but it sounds like you are moving through it beautifully!!

    I completely disagree with your counselor that you should see your weight right now though. But that is just my opinion.

    Danielle - you have made AMAZING mental progress! WAY TO GO!!

    Counting calories is a tough one... When my ED starts playing that tape though I usually remind myself of exactly how many my body needs then it doesn't seem so powerful.

    Your doing this Danielle, and wining!! <3

  4. This is amazing. You are so inspiring. Keep this up! Hugs.

  5. It's so great that your attitude towards weight gain is changing, Danielle! The hardest part now is having to purposefully try to gain weight.

    When I started gaining weight, I wasn't really "trying". I'd have an extra spoonful of yogurt here, an extra piece of fruit there and although I THOUGHT I was making progress, we all know that a little bit extra will do absolutely nothing to your weight. It wasn't until I started eating 6 times a day and switched my low-fat foods to full-fat that I started to gain the weight.

    And I have never regretted it :)

  6. The best thing you can do is educate yourself. Find out exactly what you need in a day. If it's a certain amount of calories that you need to take in to gain, then counting is fine, but MAKER SURE you get to that number each day. Really Danielle I can't say it enough, when you are really ready to commit to recovery, you will wake up and start doing what you need to do. It's not easy, it's never easy, but it's possible. It's mind over matter! Sorry if I sound so harsh. I just get so frustrated seeing what this disease does and how it tricks girls into thinking that they can't have X amount of food every day. You are such a beautiful girl (as I've now seen you in pictures :)) and deserve to have a full life without the torment of an eating disorder.

    Please keep trying!
    <3 Tori

  7. Great job Danielle! I think mental progress and weight-gain are equally important in recovery, although it's hard to say which is more difficult to achieve. It sounds like you're doing so well though. I would definitely make sure that ALL your team knows when you are seeing your weight, just so that everyone's on the same page. Other than that, keep it up! You can do this!<3

  8. YAY
    Really proud of you for noticing all your small steps towards recovery! Recovery will not happen overnight - it's not just one giant leap from one thing to another - it's about the journey. Congrats for making so much mental progress! With a clear head, you'll be able to open up to many more new experiences -- keep it up!
    <3 S

  9. Oh me oh my. I get this.
    Ever hear the saying "Its all fun and games until someone gets hurt?"

    For me recovery is "All fun and games until I start to gain more and more weight"

    Then stuff hits the fan. Its SO frustrating for people to not recognize the progress you've made in all of its glory. (We do by the way and you ROCK!)

    Hang in there ... you'll show them and ED who's boss.


  10. So happy for you Danielle! You can do this. Believe in yourself.

    In my own recovery, I've been finding that I have to be mentally stable before I try to restore my weight. I've failed at recovery for so long because I didn't address the underlying cause behind my disordered eating.

    Yay for progress! Hugs!

  11. You are doing really great!

    I went through a stage myself not to long ago where I was making HUGE steps of progress mentally, but unfortunately it wasn't translating into any actual weight gain. But as I continued to challenge myself slowly but surely the weight started going up.

    It did annoy me when people judged my progress solely by my weight gain, but at the same time the people that don't see you on a day to day basis have a hard time going by anything else. Even if you tell them about the progress you've made, because our ED has a tenancy to distort things, they have a hard time believing it. So you just have to try your best and keep your internal motivation high and sooner or later you will see results and they will as well.

    Take care and good luck with everything!

  12. woohooo!!! thats amazing, well done danielle. xx

  13. Congratulations on your progress so far, I'm 100% faithful that you'll go on to own the physical side too.

  14. You're right, Danielle- you have made A LOT of progress despite not having gained weight yet. :-) I am so proud of all of the mental/emotional progress you've made- it's so inspirational! But I am also SO proud of you for recognizing that weight gain is a necessary part of the process and starting to accept it. You go girl, keep up the awesome work! You're doing great. <3

  15. Good job!! You've made so much progress mentally in such a short time. You are amazing!
    I love the quote too <3