Friday, August 13, 2010

A new me, a new life

Hi, welcome to my blog. This blog is mainly about my recovery from anorexia nervosa and the little struggles along the way. The eating disorder probably started about a year ago, when i got food poisoning. I was eating normal at the time and got food poisoning from a marinara sauce from Little Caesars. Nothing would stay in my system and whenever i ate something, my body would immediately reject it. So i lost a lot of weight, and got down to 100 pounds. That's when it started. I looked in the mirror and liked what i saw. I looked so tiny and i finally fit into a size 1 jeans, which made me very proud. The proudness didn't last long though, it never does. The food poisoning or whatever it was went on for a week and my mom finally took me to the doctor because i was in so much pain. She said she couldn't really do anything until we had a few tests done and recommended me to an eating disorder place. At the time, i didn't think anything was wrong with me and really didn't want to go. A week later, my body returned to normal and i started to eat more. And also gain weight. I didn't like it and began critiquing everything about my body. So when we went to the eating disorder help place, i lied about what i ate and how i felt about my body. We didn't go back there. The eating disorder continued, me only eating an ice cream sandwich and pop a day (or less), not counting calories, for 2 months. In August, tennis season started and i became so focused on that, that eating didn't become too much of an issue for me.
Eating normally continued on for a few months, until my family went on a cruise, in March. There was so much interesting food on the cruise that i probably put on a few pounds. After i saw a picture of myself in a swimsuit, it was back. I started counting calories and working out for 2 hours a day. Eating 1000 calories, to 800, to finally 500 last month. The only difference between eating 1000 calories and 500 is that when you eat 500 or less a day, you become so weak and are unable to workout. Standing up even got me dizzy and walking was hard. So my mom finally found a new eating disorder help place and took me there. The woman was very nice and i confessed everything to her, unlike last year. That was on Tuesday, when i still hadn't fully understood the situation yet. Yesterday, we met with a dietitian and she told me i weighed less that my estimated 106 pounds. She really opened my eyes to some things and said that it doesn't matter how much you weigh when you have an eating disorder. You could die anytime, your heart could fail.
So after i got out of there, i wanted to get better. I challenged myself to have a "scary meal". This is usually a meal high in calories and fat and something I'm terrified to eat. I went to Culvers and got chicken strips, fries, and a chocolate shake and finished it all. And the best part is, i didn't even feel guilty. After that, my mom took me grocery shopping and i finally bought all my favorite foods that i haven't had in months. And when i was passing a mirror i realized that i didn't look too good. My eyes had huge bags under them, my hair was thin, my bones were kind of sticking out and my skin looked even paler than usual.
So this is my recovery story. I'm trying very hard not to count calories anymore and I'm trying to eat normal. This journey just started, and it's going to be a long one.

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