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This right here, is what i used to see in the mirror. And it took me a while to realize, this isn't true! When i used to look in the mirror when i was sick, i almost got dizzy for half a second and then this is what i saw. Now, i see me. I don't go searching for flaws.
But besides that, I've unfortunately lost a pound. No, i didn't weight myself. When i go to my dietitian every week, we do a blind weight test. I step on a scale that kind of looks like a black pad thing and she reads the number somewhere else. This is very useful considering people with eating disorders are constantly obsessed with their weight. She wasn't going to tell me my weight, but i told her my concerns that i wasn't gaining weight and that i thought my weight was staying the same. Judging by the way my smallest jeans fit.
And she said I've lost a pound and a half. Ugh, all the hard work for nothing! Sure, I'm kind of happy i'm not rapidly gaining weight (which could never happen) but i almost feel as if my efforts for recovery are squashed. Like my "great progress" is getting me nowhere.
She even mentioned the death word inpatient again. I instantly panicked again. If i went to inpatient, i would probably be very scared, lonely, the nurses may not be nice, people may make fun of me.. just because, and i may get worse because of peer pressure. Also, i would have to repeat a grade because who knows how much school i would miss?
I just wish they would appreciate my progress. I eat three meals a day. They may be small, but at least it's a start. And whenever they think i can't do something, i prove them wrong! After i left there, i told my mom "i have to gain weight. I don't want to go to inpatient and i want to show them i can do this. Can we go to Culvers?" Okay that may not be the healthiest choice but still.. it's more than i would eat in a day (considering i already ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner today) and i don't eat snacks yet. Hopefully i'll be able to show them that i'm stronger and i won't have to go to inpatient.
Thanks for your comment on my blog! I understand the feeling of "Ugh, all that hard work for nothing!" ED recovery is more difficult than I ever thought it would be. We have to remember though that recovery is a process- a slow, difficult one, but one that is worth it in the end. I'm sorry that your dietician doesn't seem to be appreciating your progress and hard work- I don't even know you and I can tell just from this post that you are very strong and committed to recovery! Stay strong and keep fighting- you can do it! I look forward to reading more from you.
ReplyDeleteRecovery isn't easy. I take it one meal at a time. Anymore and I get overwhelmed. Your post was beautiful. You have strength and will to keep going. I wish you so much success.
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