Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Everyone with an eating disorder has a specific set of rules that they strictly follow. If they break any of these rules, it's the end of the world. Never ending guilt and pain for hours.
My rules used to be the following: no eating after 7 pm, when you eat, eat slowly, drink water before each meal, drink __ amount of water each day, never eat over ___ calories each day, etc. Since starting recovery, I've been trying to break those rules as much as i possibly can.
Today, i broke all of those rules. And i hope i'll continue to do so! Including counting calories. I talked with my therapist today and she said since i'm so hung up on counting calories, then buy foods/frozen meals that I've never bought before and have my mom black out the calories on the back. So far, it's giving me a lot of anxiety not know how many calories are in this food or that food but in the long run, i think it will help a lot. I mean, what normal person really does count calories? I didn't used to count them. Sure, i ate pretty unhealthy but i wasn't fat and i have to keep remembering that.
One thing that i'm really struggling with is body image. I have a really distorted body image. And it's weird, i don't think that i'm "fat" all the time. It comes and goes depending on the clothes i'm wearing at the time. My worst areas? my arms. I don't know why but my arms have always been hard for me. It's like they're always there, exposed. But another thing i have to realize is that I've probably only gained less than 5 pounds so far and my arms aren't going to magically get fat. They weren't fat before when all i ate was junk so why would they be fat now? They aren't fat. I'm not fat. I'll just have to start believing that.
-But on a side note, thanks to everyone for all the encouraging comments! Whenever i feel like a failure or i'm about to give up i read your comments and they keep me continuing recovery and avoiding relapse. Thank you :)