Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Breaking barriers

Everyone with an eating disorder has a specific set of rules that they strictly follow. If they break any of these rules, it's the end of the world. Never ending guilt and pain for hours.

My rules used to be the following: no eating after 7 pm, when you eat, eat slowly, drink water before each meal, drink __ amount of water each day, never eat over ___ calories each day, etc. Since starting recovery, I've been trying to break those rules as much as i possibly can.

Today, i broke all of those rules. And i hope i'll continue to do so! Including counting calories. I talked with my therapist today and she said since i'm so hung up on counting calories, then buy foods/frozen meals that I've never bought before and have my mom black out the calories on the back. So far, it's giving me a lot of anxiety not know how many calories are in this food or that food but in the long run, i think it will help a lot. I mean, what normal person really does count calories? I didn't used to count them. Sure, i ate pretty unhealthy but i wasn't fat and i have to keep remembering that.

One thing that i'm really struggling with is body image. I have a really distorted body image. And it's weird, i don't think that i'm "fat" all the time. It comes and goes depending on the clothes i'm wearing at the time. My worst areas? my arms. I don't know why but my arms have always been hard for me. It's like they're always there, exposed. But another thing i have to realize is that I've probably only gained less than 5 pounds so far and my arms aren't going to magically get fat. They weren't fat before when all i ate was junk so why would they be fat now? They aren't fat. I'm not fat. I'll just have to start believing that.

-But on a side note, thanks to everyone for all the encouraging comments! Whenever i feel like a failure or i'm about to give up i read your comments and they keep me continuing recovery and avoiding relapse. Thank you :)


  1. Hey there, first time commenter here. I am so happy to hear about your trimuphs today. The anxiety is onle temporary and will fade over time. Be brave and strong and keep fighting that stuupid irrational voice that is anorexia and listen to your own.

  2. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! Good for you for breaking all of your ED's rules! I can totally relate to the body image distortion- that is my biggest hurdle in overcoming my ED for good. We just have to believe that if we keep following our meal plans and working hard in therapy and adjusting our thinking, satisfaction with our bodies (and a realistic perspective) will come with time! Keep up the good work!

  3. oh my gosh congrats! breaking your ED rules is SUCH a huge step! you are so strong and you will only get stronger as you challenge your ED :) xoxo

  4. Hey Danielle,

    I look forward to reading more of your blog. Keep breaking those rules.

  5. The act of counting calories can be used and abused. I've done both. When I was restricting I couldn't go above a certain amount, but now I have been counting my calories for the right reasons. To ensure that I reach a certain amount to gain weight. For me it has been a very helpful tool during recovery. Knowing how much I need to take in and making sure that I do is like my job right now! No other kind of meal plan has worked for me, but that has. It's a common sense/ no fail plan. If you research how much you need to gain, and how many calories that will take each day, then make sure you get it, you will gain weight.

    I think the hardest part is commiting yourself to actually doing what's necessary to recover. I tiptoed around it for many many months until I took the leap. If and when you want it, you'll be able to find the strength!

    <3 Tori