Thursday, September 2, 2010
The other night, i was looking at some old pictures of myself. These are pictures of before i got really sick and restricting and they were taken in April. As i looked at them I thought: am i crazy?! I even looked super skinny there! Why oh why did i start destroying my body?! what's wrong with me? Why didn't i see that? Why do i see that now? why am i so stupid?
I probably weighed 20 pounds more there. And i did look good! But I hate that i didn't see that. That i was so selfish that i wanted to look even thinner when in reality, i didn't need to lose any weight at all.
But one thing that really scares me is what if i don't look like that when i gain all the weight back? What if i gain even more weight and become fat because they'll never let me work out? This I know is the ED thoughts. The What if? thoughts.
The worst part is, i can't seem to get rid of them. No matter how hard i try. They're always in the back of my mind. They're always saying: eat less. please eat less. recovery is stupid. it doesn't matter. give up. I know you're going to.
Stupid ED. I really wish this disease didn't exist. At least I know that when I overcome this, I'll be much stronger. There's nothing stopping me now.