Thursday, September 2, 2010

Crazy thoughts

The other night, i was looking at some old pictures of myself. These are pictures of before i got really sick and restricting and they were taken in April. As i looked at them I thought: am i crazy?! I even looked super skinny there! Why oh why did i start destroying my body?! what's wrong with me? Why didn't i see that? Why do i see that now? why am i so stupid?

I probably weighed 20 pounds more there. And i did look good! But I hate that i didn't see that. That i was so selfish that i wanted to look even thinner when in reality, i didn't need to lose any weight at all.

But one thing that really scares me is what if i don't look like that when i gain all the weight back? What if i gain even more weight and become fat because they'll never let me work out? This I know is the ED thoughts. The What if? thoughts.

The worst part is, i can't seem to get rid of them. No matter how hard i try. They're always in the back of my mind. They're always saying: eat less. please eat less. recovery is stupid. it doesn't matter. give up. I know you're going to.

Stupid ED. I really wish this disease didn't exist. At least I know that when I overcome this, I'll be much stronger. There's nothing stopping me now.


  1. I HATE STUPID ED!!!!!! I struggle with the same thoughts... I feel like we have to just keep reminding ourselves that they are ED's thoughts- not our own- and as we progress in recovery, our inner voices will be more OUR OWN- not controlled by this illness. Keep fighting! You can do it! <3

  2. stupid ED thoughts! i hate them as well!
    they should shut the f*** up.

    i'm sure you will look fine again when you've gained the weight back to your natural set point.


  3. Yes, youre right, when you overcome this you will be stronger, but it takes strength to overcome it in the first place. Dont listen to ed, eds voice is pathetic and just wants you to be unhappy. Fight through the thoughts and they will fade over time. EDS a liar, eds concerns do not need to be your concerns.

  4. Fuck ED! But seriously girl, it's ridiculous how distorted he can make you see yourself, because you will probably look back at pictures of you being "heavier" down the road and think "man...I actually looked good!". It's so hard to imagine now, but you will. Keep fighting honey! You can do it. You're such a strong person, and thank you for posting this. It reminds me that I am not the only one with all of these feelings <3 be well, sweetheart

  5. seriously....ED is a ... fucker. simple as that. keep fighting honey. It gets easier...after it gets harder. You can do this.

    you've got support around you