Changing

Weight gain is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know it may not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me it really is. Not being able to feel as many bones, having extra fat on my body, eating so much I can't even move. I never thought it would be this hard. But that doesn't mean it isn't going to be worth it.

I want my freedom back. I want to be able to run without my parents yelling - no running! And them thinking I'm trying to burn calories when I'm not. I want to be able to look in a mirror and see me- not some person that has to lose weight. I want to be able to eat what I want, without my parents jumping in and saying its not enough to gain weight. And I want to be able to work out again!

The things I want to do, can't be done unless I get to my goal weight. Then I will have my freedom back. I think it will be really hard when I do get to a healthy weight, because there will be other girls thinner than me, but to know I'm happy and healthy and to remember how miserable I was at a lower weight, won't make me want to me unhealthy again.

Fighting Ed is really hard, and I can't really do it on my own. So I'm going to look at this everytime I feel discouraged, and remember my goal is to change. Ed is not going to win.

These made me smile(: And helped me remember my goal.

Have a great day everyone!<3(:

Making a difference

As soon as I realized that I actually did want to recover, I wanted to help others recover too! Because recovery is so hard to do on your own! You have to face the table every day and eat, and be brave. For a while, I wasn't very brave. I would talk to other people who had an eating disorder, and they would beg me to eat more and I would tell them I don't feel like trying. I was too scared to face the demon, to stare it in the face and tell it that it was wrong.

It took me a long time to actually face the demon instead of just listening to the lies it told me. For a long time, I wore a size that was almost too small for me because I liked the small size, not the actual clothes. I would ignore the risks and still eat less because thats all I knew how to do. Now, everything has changed.

I'm not afraid anymore. I don't want to be cold anymore or have my brain shrink from lack of food or even have my heart shrink! Before I went to the new clinic, I didn't even know these things. I didn't know the heart shrunk. It did, because its a muscle and when you have an eating disorder, you get really weak.

I want to live now. I want to make a difference. Not gaining weight, isn't going to make a difference. I have to eat more than the average person eats and face my fears because I want to live. Being underweight for so long, is not living. I don't want people to ask me if I'm anorexic on formspring, and I don't even want them to question if I have an eating disorder anymore. I want to be healthy, strong, and beautiful.

We can all beat this. Don't be afraid, we can do this<3

I always listen to this song when I'm feeling sad, it always makes me feel better and stronger.

You CAN recover

Many people with eating disorders, die from it. Others never recover. I used to think that I would never recover. I used to think that I would never recover, and stuck eating 800 calories a day or less than that. Being cold alll the time and feeling trapped. Never going out to eat. Isolating myself.

Now I realize that I really can recover. And so can you. I know sometimes it feels so hard to even try to eat. We make up excuses like "I have no appetite" "I don't feel like trying to eat more today" "I just wanted to listen to Ed today, he was too strong."

But you know what will happen if you keep giving in to those excuses?



Isabelle Caro died from eating disorder complications. She was so strong, but she let the disease get the best of her. She's such an inspiration to me, and I'm going to keep fighting and keep eating so I can inspire other people just like she did. I hope one day I can be completely recover and help other people get recovered too. You don't have to live with an eating disorder forever. There is hope.

Update

Sorry I've been gone the past week! I've been trying to stay off the computer a little bit. I'll try to at least blog though(:

Everything has been going pretty well, I guess. I've been a little happier so I think the prozac is starting to kick in. I've also been eating more and I'm trying to at least fit in one snack. So far I've gained like 1 lb but that isn't much. I thought I had gained 5, but of course that was just Ed trying to manipulate me again.

I was talking with the family therapist about weight and body image and we started working on ways to fight back to Ed. Like if he said;

-Don't eat that brownie or else you'll get fat.

I could say;

-Actually, I won't get fat. I need to gain weight and eating one little brownie won't make me gain a ton of weight. Besides, I like brownies(: They're good and I'm not going to let you stop me from eating it.

Or if he says something about me like;

-Your legs are fat. Go to a gym already! No more sweets. And it's 1000 calories a day from now on, okay?

I could say;

-My legs are not fat and I am not fat. I hate that word! Stop calling me fat and stop bullying me. I want to live my life and not have you tormenting me.

So far I've said those things back and he doesn't have a response(: The past few days I've even had some fear foods too! Like a nutella sandwich. I've always been afraid of nutella because of the calories, but now I think it's really good! I had a nutella sandwich like two days in a row I liked it so much. I also had a regular peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Before, I would eat the frozen kind because it had the calories on the back but now I like making it myself. And I even added extra peanut butter this time(:

Have a great weekend everyone! I might update again this weekend.

Weight Exposure

I'm always really nervous when I have to see my weight. Is it too high? Too low? Will Ed like it and try to manipulate me? For the last few months its usually been the last one.

On Tuesday I had the weight exposure with the family therapist. I was so scared at first but after I saw it, I was actually surprised. My weight is actually pretty low. I've always thought that it was a little higher, but its pretty low. After I saw it, we started talking about my growth chart and what weight would be normal for me if I didn't have an eating disorder. I was surprised that my goal weight was actually pretty normal too. Like its in the healthy range and in my growth chart range or whatever.

I did meet with the doctor too, and she said I still haven't gained any weight! I was really surprised. I've actually been putting a lot of effort into eating more. But we met with the nutritionist and I said I could start adding dessert at lunch and dinner. Like yesterday I had 2 mini donuts from Starbucks and the dessert for dinner I had some splenda jelly beans. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I have to start small or else I get tooo overwhelmed and scared.

I know gaining weight is going to be scary. I've been underweight for 9 months. Thats not good at all. I almost got a message from God the other day. It was like he said, stay the same and never recover and die a little young (30-40 ish) or recover, gain, and live a long happy life. It was weird. I knew it was from God because it was almost like a lightbulb moment, and thats usually when God talks to me but I don't realize its him at first.

When I really thought about it, it made sense. Who would really want to have an eating disorder forever? And worry about all the food they've eaten everyday? Label each day as a "binge". A fail day. Then eat much less tomorrow. Thats no way to live. We need food to live, its as simple as that. From now on, I'm going to make sure to feed all of my body, not just parts of it.

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This was probably the best protein bar I've had so far. Chocolate chip cookie dough, yumm(:



I read this a few days ago. Its actually pretty good! And it actually wasn't triggering much at all. The pictures at the end of the book scared me though. But I think they were almost meant to do that. The ending was good at least, she recovered in the end(:



Dinner a few nights ago. My cravings are weird. One day I crave snacks like these, and then another day I crave a pizza and a chocolate chip cookie. Weird.



Coconut milk yogurt(: This is my favorite kind.



Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with mango and pineapple chunks(: It's really good.



My dog Baily(: I'm not sure what she was doing..




Have a great day Everyone!

Weekend

Thank you all for the wonderful comments!(: Sorry I haven't commented on blogs lately! I've actually been very busy for once! That and my computer got a virus:( so I have to go on my ipod or use my moms super slow computer which I'm on now. Hopefully it will get fixed soon.

The weekend was actually really fun!(: Friday I went shopping with my mom and read the book The Lovely Bones (has anyone read it or seen the movie?), On Saturday I had Christmas with my dads side of the family (I know, late, but it always is), and today I met with some cousins & family at a restaurant to see my cousins new baby.

The weekend has been pretty good eating wise too. I actually have a goal weight in mind for me for once. Not for doctors, my parents, or my eating disorder (because Ed doesn't want me to gain!) for me. It's at the low end of the healthy range, but it's in the healthy range and I think thats all that matters.

I've been pretty happy lately too. I guess the key to being happy is being around people you love all the time(: Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!

Four things

I've been meaning to do this for a while. Thanks Missy!

Four words/phrases I use way too much;

-Like. She was all like, I was like

-OMG!

-Yeah, for sure

-This isn't a word, but I use way too many smiley faces!(:

Four Things I'm passionate about;

-Stopping hate. There has been so much hate on formspring lately. People calling each other fat. I'm trying to stick up for each person that has been called fat/a mean thing

-Animals! Specifically dogs

Thats my dog Baily and me(:

-Volunteering

-Raising awareness about eating disorders

Four things you'd discover upon meeting me (in real life);

-I'm funny

-I'm pretty much always wayy too late or way too early

-I'm kinda shy (but not as much as I used to be! I'm finally breaking free of that)

-I can never sit still. Thats probably why I hate video games!

Four things I've learned from the past;

-God's love is unconditional. No matter what you do, God will always love you

-True friends don't treat you like crap

-Be yourself. You were born an original, don't die a copy

-Laughter is the best medicine

Four things I eat that freak people out;

-Tofu

-Green Tea Frappuccinos

-Coconut milk yogurt

-Chik'n nuggets

Yum:D

Four tv shows I love;

-Degrassi!

-Glee

-Make it or break it

-90210

Four tv shows I loved;

-Zoey 101

-Spongebob

-The amanda show

-The Hills

Four things I'm looking forward to;

-Starting a new school

-Moving to a warmer place

-Meeting true friends

-Finally recovering from my eating disorder

Four things I love about winter;

-Cute winter clothes

-Christmas

-Taking peaceful walks in the snow with my dog

-Drinking lattes and eating soup

Four ways poor nutrition destroyed my body;

-Being cold. All the time!

-Sometimes having trouble breathing as a result of not enough food

-Cold/purpleish hands

-Depression

Thanks for reading!(:

Progress

Last night, I went to the clinic again. They never show me my weight, and the family therapist said I could probably start seeing my weight and growth charts and stuff soon. So after that we saw the nutritionist and that went well also, and I got weighed and stuff and met with my doctor. I think she was almost sorta mad, because she said that I made no progress so far. As in, I have not gained any weight since we started at the clinic a month ago.

I'm not sure why that made me mad and happy and the same time, but it did. I think Ed was happy because he had fooled me into thinking I'd gained at least 5 lbs so far and I was mad because recovery isn't always about the weight. Yes, I do have to get to a healthy weight so I can actually work out again and finally get rid of Ed, but just because I'm not gaining any weight so far doesn't mean that I'm not doing any mental progress.

I've made so much mental progress since getting to the clinic. Like;

-I'm no longer afraid of pasta. Like last week my mom was going grocery shopping and I asked her if she could pick up mac & cheese too. The regular kind. That's totally out of character for me! I haven't asked that in months.

-I'm eating more than I have been in 6 months

-I'm finally incorporating more protein into my diet

-I'm actually starting to be a little okay with weight gain. Before I was REALLY afraid. I would do everything not to gain weight. Now, I'm fine. Weight gain is scary, but I have to gain to live.

-I'm no longer afraid of eating out. Before I would "plan" to eat less the day before eating out, or just avoid it altogether. Now I don't really care and eating out is actually really fun!


So, recovery is NOT just about the weight but I will try harder to gain weight. And not count calories. That's really hard. Even though I'm not actually getting a calculator and counting, its a habit to just estimate and count in my head. Just staring at a piece of food and knowing the calories then adding them up. It's a really bad habit. I'll have to try really hard to break it. I'll do everything I can to not be threatened with inpatient again. I can beat this awful illness without inpatient.

New years

On new years last year, I was sitting at my grandmas house watching her dog and watching Degrassi because she was in the hospital. I was really sad & bored because it wasn't how I wanted to spend my new years. This year, was much different(:

I was sitting on the couch on new years eve watching degrassi (of course..) and feeling sad when C texted me. She asked if I could sleep over at J's house and I was soo excited! I'm not about to become best friends with them and tell them everything, but it was fun hanging out with them. We all took turns talking to J's boyfriend (we're all good friends with him), goofing around, and then making cake balls. We did play black ops too, but that wasn't very fun.

We stayed up until 5, so the next day I was really tired! Even after going out to eat with my mom and having 2 large glasses of diet coke, I was still tired! I feel asleep at around 3, then woke up at 6 and I was still really out of it. I've been thinking about the new year, and new years resolutions and it made me think of the sleepover with J and C again.

I was playing truth with J's boyfriend over the phone (like truth or dare, except we just do the truth) and he asked if I could change one thing about myself, what would it be. And, I actually couldn't think of anything! Before when I was letting my eating disorder control my every move, I would of said a lot. But now, I'm actually happy with the person I am. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I've always felt insecure about myself, wishing I wasn't this or that.

Now that it's the new year my only resolution is to accept myself. I think it'll be a resolution that I'll be able to accomplish for once(:

I thought this was kinda cute(:


Happy New year Everyone!