Thursday, January 13, 2011

Weight Exposure

I'm always really nervous when I have to see my weight. Is it too high? Too low? Will Ed like it and try to manipulate me? For the last few months its usually been the last one.

On Tuesday I had the weight exposure with the family therapist. I was so scared at first but after I saw it, I was actually surprised. My weight is actually pretty low. I've always thought that it was a little higher, but its pretty low. After I saw it, we started talking about my growth chart and what weight would be normal for me if I didn't have an eating disorder. I was surprised that my goal weight was actually pretty normal too. Like its in the healthy range and in my growth chart range or whatever.

I did meet with the doctor too, and she said I still haven't gained any weight! I was really surprised. I've actually been putting a lot of effort into eating more. But we met with the nutritionist and I said I could start adding dessert at lunch and dinner. Like yesterday I had 2 mini donuts from Starbucks and the dessert for dinner I had some splenda jelly beans. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I have to start small or else I get tooo overwhelmed and scared.

I know gaining weight is going to be scary. I've been underweight for 9 months. Thats not good at all. I almost got a message from God the other day. It was like he said, stay the same and never recover and die a little young (30-40 ish) or recover, gain, and live a long happy life. It was weird. I knew it was from God because it was almost like a lightbulb moment, and thats usually when God talks to me but I don't realize its him at first.

When I really thought about it, it made sense. Who would really want to have an eating disorder forever? And worry about all the food they've eaten everyday? Label each day as a "binge". A fail day. Then eat much less tomorrow. Thats no way to live. We need food to live, its as simple as that. From now on, I'm going to make sure to feed all of my body, not just parts of it.

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This was probably the best protein bar I've had so far. Chocolate chip cookie dough, yumm(:



I read this a few days ago. Its actually pretty good! And it actually wasn't triggering much at all. The pictures at the end of the book scared me though. But I think they were almost meant to do that. The ending was good at least, she recovered in the end(:



Dinner a few nights ago. My cravings are weird. One day I crave snacks like these, and then another day I crave a pizza and a chocolate chip cookie. Weird.



Coconut milk yogurt(: This is my favorite kind.



Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with mango and pineapple chunks(: It's really good.



My dog Baily(: I'm not sure what she was doing..




Have a great day Everyone!

14 comments:

  1. Cute dog! And I love those 'lightbulb moments' when you hear God so clearly. I hope you are able to up your intake so that you don't freak out, well done girl!
    xxx

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  2. I'm glad that your are seeing your weight for what it is and aren't letting your ED manipulate the numbers!

    LOVE chocolate chip cookie dough - though I've never had that bar. btw - your dog is seriously adorable!!

    Gaining healthy weight is hard Ed wise but I also found it was hard as far as eating enough! My nutritionist and I sat down for lunch together (that was scary) where we both brought our own lunches....After getting our lunches out mine looked pretty pathetic compared to hers..We talked about how much nutrition I needed for my height, age, and with recovery she said my body would need almost 1000 extra just to rebuild all the damage I've done!! It was a HUGE eye opener for me.

    Yes, feed your body not just parts of it! =) You deserve to be happy and have a healthy body! <3

    ~Lily

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  3. Yes! Do it now. Before you get to be my age!

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  4. you have your whole life ahead of you, start living it your way :) your dog is so cute xx

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  5. Glad you liked the book! It was really good book--very sad though--but the pictures toward the end scared me as well because it was like if I continued down this path then I was going to end up looking like that.

    I understand your fear of gaining weight. I feel the same way. It terrifies me, but guess what--we need to take care of our bodies and love them in the way we deserve to be loved.

    Keep up your great work!!

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  6. Sweetie, it's good that you are trying to gain. And if it happens quickly DO NOT BE FRIGHTENED! I gained quite quickly and then it tapered off and I stopped gaining at the low end of the healthy BMI range. Now I have to start gaining AGAIN! But I'm excited about it :D

    xxx

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  7. Dearie, it's so good of you that you are trying to gain weight by starting small. Baby steps! Like Katy said, even if it does come quickly, it will be okay because your body needs the nutrients that you will be putting into it. Think of it as gaining strength (inner and outer) and energy.
    I've never read that book, but am very glad it wasn't triggering for you! Adorable dog and lovely snacks.
    You deserve to be happy-->always!
    xoxo

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  8. Gaining weight is hard work as all these lovely ladies said. But it is so worth it for you! You are doing fabulous!<3

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  9. So happy you had a "light bulb moment". Moments like that are what keep me motivated and moving in the right direction.

    And your food looks yummy, especially the coconut yogurt. I need to find a way to try it someday.

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  10. That protein bar looks good... and I've gotta try the coconut milk yogurt! :)

    I'm glad you're taking things slow so you don't get overwhelmed. Go you!

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  11. :) the clarity is always something to be thankful fore and also something that can be fleeting so it's good that you're holding onto it. You deserve it and dude- that protein bar- I am right with you on that one :)

    xoxo

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  12. p.s. i tagged you in the stylish blogging award :) http://serendipitousmornings.wordpress.com/2011/01/14/still-in-style/

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  13. You know, I am between 30 and 40 years old and I feel like it was only yesterday that I was a teenager. So dying at this age would feel just as horrible as at a younger age.

    I struggle with eating too. Reading about others' experiences give me encouragement. Thank you for yours, sweet you!

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  14. oh iv been dying to read unbearable lightness.. and zone bars are amazing!!

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