Ugh. Another day, more food to eat, blah. I know i probably sounded really determined yesterday, but unfortunately, that comes and goes. Sometimes i eat every meal and don't feel guilty at all. And then sometimes, i pick at my food and feel guilty because i didn't know the approximate number of calories i ate and feel like a complete failure. This was one of those days.
It started out pretty good, until i got to the kitchen for breakfast. I'm at my family's cabin, and the food that i brought, was in my dads car. My dad was gone. So i refused to eat anything for 2 hours and then finally i ate some mini muffins. They were stale.
Lunch was also bad. I ate a ton of fruit and mostly picked through everything else. I feel really bad about it but i can't help it! I didn't really like anything. By the time my dad got back, i was already done with lunch and was pretty mad.
For dinner, i had poptarts. I know my dietitian won't be very happy when she reads my food list sheet, but i wasn't really planning on eating dinner anyway. So this is a step up from not eating.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day and i'll be more in control. But the sad part about recovery is, i never really feel that in control. People are always monitering how much food i eat, how much water i drink, and how much i exercise. And at the moment, i'm not allowed to exercise. Which really upsets me. I was just planning on going on a short, 15 minute walk but i can't even do that. I'm not allowed.
And knowing that i'm not in control, makes me want to go back to my old ways of barely eating anything and overexercising. But i know that isn't right. Whenever i have these feelings, i just picture myself in a hospital bed and it all goes away. Because that's where i'll end up if i don't recover.
So for now, i'll try to stick to my meal plan, do other things to keep me busy from exercising, and work through recovery. Recovery is hard, but i'm determined to overcome this disease.
I can SO relate to feeling out of control in recovery- you said perfectly what I am always thinking. It is incredibly scary to give that kind of power to one's treatment team (especially when ED's are about control). Good for you for realizing though that trusting your treatment team is what is best for you- that takes a lot of strength. I am so proud of you for staying focused on recovery and being so determined!!! It will be worth it in the end, and you can do it!!!
ReplyDeleteRecovery is hard, but it is SO worth it! I know that it's difficult being constantly monitored. It's hard when it feels like you have no control. You just have to remember that with ED, even though it feels like we have control, we really don't. The disorder does. Recovery is the only way for you to regain control even if it doesn't seem that way at the moment. Hang in there. It is always hard, but it does get easier. Like anything that is worth something, it takes time. You can do it. :)
ReplyDeleteThat mental pic of you being sick and in the hosp. should be there in your tool chest. You can pull it out when you feel like you don't want to eat and ask yourself what not eating get's you. Stay strong and remember that they are trying to help you and doing it for your own good.
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