Sunday, November 21, 2010

Getting out of relapse

Sorry I haven't posted in the last few days! I've had so much on my mind.

Unfortunately, I've decided not to be friends with J again. I thought she had matured and grown, but I was wrong. She's blown me off and forgot about me three times. Oh well, there are better people out there.

I've also restricted food for the past 2 weeks. I'm doing much better yesterday and today, but I've skipped lunch for the past 2 weeks.

Why? Stress. Friends just keep blowing me off again and again. But, they're not friends! And they're not worth my tears. I want nice, caring people in my life. People that, will come over to my house at 3am if I'm having a horrible day, people that won't blow me off, people that care about me and about God. People that don't only care about themselves.

The ED has also been telling me to "prepare" for Thanksgiving. As in, restrict 200 cals or 400 cals below my usual amount. And attempt to exercise too. Has anyone else been dealing with this? Maybe it's just me. But, yesterday and today I really realized that restricting food isn't worth it.

Yesterday I was trying to go my science homework, when I started getting dizzy. I couldn't focus on anything at all. All I could think about was food. I started getting really irritated and angry too. I did eat dinner an hour after that, but I'm glad it gave me another reason why anorexia isn't worth it.

But the weird thing is, today is completely different. I ate a good breakfast and went into the car to go to church. 2o minutes after eating, I began feeling really weak. I felt really sluggish and couldn't keep my eyes open at all. It wasn't the food, I'd just eaten. It wasn't sleep because I'd gotten 8 1/2 hours of sleep too. Then what was it? I'm feeling really tired now after eating a good lunch. The really weird part is, 2 hours after eating, I feel fine. Ed tells me to skip dinner but I might try to have it. I don't know. I had lunch an hour ago.

So, life has not gone very well for me lately. Because I was feeling icky earlier, I had to tell my friend Z, who I was going shopping with later, that I couldn't hang out. At the last minute. I felt sooo bad. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that to people but I just did. Yeah, I did it differently than other people did, but I still feel bad. Really bad. I feel like a really bad person.

I realize now that I just didn't want to hang out with her. Conversation is always forced, and it always seems like she wants to hang out with other people instead of me. I feel bad about canceling at the last minute, but for once I don't feel bad the friendship didn't work out.

Friends should just be able to click right from the start. It shouldn't be forced. And if it is, then it isn't meant to be.

Anyway, even though I've been struggling lately, I'm going to try to overcome it. I have an appointment with the new clinic on the 29th. Ed is not winning. I'm going to win this fight.


  1. I understand where you are coming from. I am at this point in my life where I am beginning to realize that I need to take care of myself and not feel guilty about it. I am tired of having "fake" friends who are not truly there for me. I am tired of the drama. I am tired of having to take care of everybody else. Funny thing is that it has taken me this long to realize this.

    As for Thanksgiving, I am very nervous because it will be hard to eat with my family and having to deal with food. It's my first Thanksgiving that I will be having with my family in a couple years. It should be interesting.

    Hang in there, Danielle. I know you will get through this.

    DO keep us posted about your appointment and how it goes for you, okay?

  2. I'm sorry you've been having a rough time. Hang in there. My ED has been doing the same thing with thanksgiving, even though I probably won't be able to eat much because of my allergies! So don't worry, it's not just you!

    Don't let all the friend drama get you down. You are strong and can fight this, Danielle! Have a good night. =)

  3. Hey Danielle :) sorry to hear things aren't going great fir you at the moment. I think u know that u were using anorexia to deal with life, but that doesn't get us anywhere, lifes issues dont get solved by turning to anorexia, lifes issues and problems just increase if we turn to anorexia! Hope this week brings a fresh start for you hun. Xxxx

  4. Danielle,
    I've never commented your blog before but I'm so glad to have found it today : ).
    Thanksgiving is always so therapist told me this week that the holidays are major challenges because not only are we faced with numerous fear foods, but so much "family togetherness" can be quite difficult. Maybe you could try making a plan for this year of how you're going to handle Thanksgiving healthily. Do you have a mp and a nutritionist?? I'm sure she'd be happy to go over how to eat leading up to Thanksgiving with you. My nutritionist helped me figure out how our dinner will fit into my mp. Yes, it's still freaking terrifying! But better to know that I can make it work, if I really try.
    Hang in there hun. Keep pulling yourself up from the low you've had these past couple weeks. It's hard, but you can do it!

  5. The holidays are always a challenging time - more food plus decreased exercise equals more anxiety (for me at, least). But, you just have to take it one day, one meal, at a time and know that you've gotten through so many challenges and this will only make you stronger and better able to cope as the years go by. Whatever you do don't let ED tell you that skipping meals is ok! You might be feeling sluggish because your body is getting reused to having fuel? Idk just a thought.
    Hang in there, you are strong and loved! God will help you though everything!<3

  6. I feel the same way about the whole friend dilema. I have people who I could redily be friends with, but it's more like I'm just looking for more out of a friend that what they offer. I would love to have close friends who are good, caring people of God and would only want my best interest, and vice versa. I'm over the drama of highschool friendships. I don't want the same things I use to.

  7. Stay strong Danielle!!

    Holiday's always throw me off..Or used too..I want to make this year different, and fight ED all the way!

    Do you have a nutritionist on board to help with your recovery? My recovery team, Vicki (psychology) and Barb (nutritionist), are two of my best friends! I don't even want to think of where I'd be without them!!

    You're a winner!!

  8. ach...I know how you feel about eating good but still feeling the drag. It feels like it's too late, ya know? That's only because, it just goes to show, consistency is they key.

    I admire your sensibility to sort of call yourself on what is going on...that is progress.

    I, too, have found that niggling thought of preparing for Thanksgiving. Does the ED monster share a brain?

    Anyway...consistency. You are learning that one day, one meal, etc...does not affect your over-all sense of well being so just keep it consistent.

    I am larning that same thing.

  9. *HUG* Danielle, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with ED lately. The holidays are the worst- you're not alone, I struggle with the same thing, as do most people recovering from EDs I think. You're so right though- restricting food just isn't worth it!!! It may seem like it solves the problems of stress and frustration with friendships, but it just makes everything worse. I know you can get past this slip- I believe in you!!!!

    I'm sorry about J and Z- but you're right, there are much better people out there who deserve your friendship, and you will find them!!!

    Take care of yourself and keep fighting ED!