Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Stopping the lies

I've recently been reading Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer and I can't seem to stop reading it! She made me realize the ED voice even more. I realized it was with me when I looked in the mirror, ate out, and really just thought about food overall. After thinking about it, these are some of the conversations I realized I do not have with myself, but with the ED.

To eating out:
Ed: Remember, look at the calorie amount BEFORE you go out. Or else only get vegetables
Me: But the fried rice looks really good!
Ed: Oh my.. xxx calories for one serving! No. You are getting the vegetables.
Me: .. Fine.

To eating at home:
Ed:You should find that diet journal that you used to have
Me: The one that counted all the calories, fat grams, everything?
Ed: Yeah, that way I can control what you eat more.. I mean, you can control what you eat
Me: I honestly would rather eat xxxx calories a day. Not your amount.
Ed: Welll, if you do that you have to work out. Finding the diet journal would be a good idea
Me: ...Fine.

To looking in the mirror after a "binge":
Ed: Whoa, look who's gotten fat! You shouldn't eat tomorrow.
Me: But I just got all my favorite foods! I want to eat them..
Ed: If you eat a small amount and work out it should be fine
Me: But i don't want to do that either
Ed: You're going out to eat on Thursday. You have to prepare for that so you don't swell up like a big balloon. Drink lots of water so you don't get full. Do sit ups and squats too. Your legs & stomach are really fat.
Me: I think that you're just telling me that. What if I'm actually really skinny and listening to you will make me look like a walking skeleton?
Ed: It won't. Just listen to me, just this once.....
Me: .....Fine.

Wow, that is NOT me saying those things. Yeah, it seems really crazy at first to have a conversation going on inside your head but if that was a real person talking to us, would it seem as crazy? No. It wouldn't.

If we see Ed as an actual person, maybe we really can stop the lies. Sometimes, you really think that it's you saying these things, but it's not. It's the eating disorder. The eating disorder is making me think every time I eat out I have to look up the calories before. If the calories are not on the website, I can not eat there. Or, if the calories on the entree I want are too high, I can't get that. If I go to a restaurant, I have to get a small salad. Without dressing, cheese, and the things that actually make the salad taste good!

But you know what? I want to eat out without looking at the menu beforehand! I want to go shopping without the ED whispering fat in my ear, or saying good job if I'm thin that week. I want to be able to eat whatever I want and not look at the calories at all. I want to go to a restaurant without trying to scope out the lowest calorie thing on the menu, because my mom usually gets something really good and I'm sitting there with a small cold salad.

These are things that I am going to tell the new clinic when I see them after thanksgiving. The new clinic will hopefully help me eat more because I've been eating even less lately, maybe they can even eat with me sometimes? I hope so.

A new thing I've wanted to start doing is Favorites of the Week. Whether it's a favorite video, food, books, I'll be sharing the favorites of the week every week(:

I'm really loving Breakfast Cookies lately. They're really good! A little more expensive than other cookies, but they're organic and they're reallyy good.

Amy's brown rice, tofu, and vegetable bowl. I've been eating this for a long time and it's really good! I think my favorite part is the tofu.

Chobani Greek yogurt! This is the fruit on the bottom kind. This is also really good(: I love it because it has 14 grams of protein in it and it's different from regular yogurt.

Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer. If anyone hasn't read this yet, you have to read it! It's a great book and it really opened my eyes to a lot of unsolved issues.

And lastly, the movie Billy Madison. Adam Sandler is in this one and he's hilarious! He makes the whole movie. I watch this whenever I'm sad and it always cheers me up.

Hope everyone has a good day!(:


  1. It's amazing how real these conversations in our heads are. Sometimes I find myself actually replying out loud to the voice in my head (don't worry, I don't usually do this when other people are around). It actually makes me angry to have this constant dialog going on in there. But the sooner you realize that there is an ED voice in your head, one that you DO NOT have to listen to the sooner you can start doing what YOU really want.
    Hope the new clinic is everything you hope it to be.

  2. I really want to read that book. It does sound like a good book; would you recommend it, and does it have good pointers?

    I am currently reading Life Beyond Eating Disorder. You should read it. It is a great book!!!

    As for my Ed thoughts; "you are fat" is always so automatic when I look at myself in the mirror. What I do is reply with an affirmation. It does help.

  3. Yep. I have those "conversations" all the time. It really is kinda crazy isn't it? Oh, and please try not to let the ED voice win...don't make me have to worry about you!:p
    I love your idea about favorites of the week! Amy's foods are good and I've never had a Breakfast Cookie, but now I really want to find some!

  4. I totally always forget about trying to separate anorexias voice and my voice, thanks for pointing it out ;) I too want to go to a restaurant and order what I want rather than envying others choices!! Challenge set!! thanks for your lovely comment on my blog :) xxx

  5. Good luck at the new clinic! I have these conversations with ED too, all the time. I seem to be much more aware of them now as I am working toward recovery. Thanks for a great post. =)

  6. Really good book! My nutritionist had me read it a couple months ago..It was a HUGE breakthrough for me to see that Ed's thoughts and mine weren't the same...I'd read a chapter of the book and be like 'wait, how did she write what I'm thinking?!'
    Eating out is very difficult. I don't do it a lot because...I'm too scared I guess..To make matters worse our family goes to a lot of the same restaurants IF we actually go out...And I have all my favorite entree's memorized for the # of cals. And it's hard to forget!

    Ohhh!! Yummy! I love Greek yogurt! For a pep up breakfast I love to have Greek yogurt, homemade chewy peanut butter granola, and frozen blueberries! plus some other stuff, I love to mix things!! Have you hear of the Stoneyfield's rewards program? I use it a lot and have gotten 15 or more containers of FREE Greek yogurt using it! I don't know if they have free coupons for the smaller Greek yogurt with yummyness on the bottom though, I always get the plain so I can use it like sour cream on soups and add some spices for dressing on salad in addition to eating it for breakfast.

    Kick Ed good! He's a big jerk!

    Stay strong!Hug!= )

  7. I always found it so difficult to separate the ED VOICE as people say from me. But it is really really really useful isn't it? I loved this post. All of the sudden you heard "YOU"

    One day I had this really negative mean thought come into my head and It hit me like a hammer.
    The thought was about another person and the food they were consuming *blushing* and I was like..."whoa." That thought was not me! I am a nice person! I love people.
    That's when I started to really "get it." So keep practicing, I am.

  8. Glad you like the book. I loved it too. It was a huge eye opener. Also I LOVE AMY's brown rice bowl. It was a new food for me but I love it. But it's rice and that is a fear food so ED tell's me I can't have it too often.