Monday, November 29, 2010

A New Start

Today, I went to the clinic for the first time. I was actually kind of scared at first, but the closer I got to going there, I didn't really feel scared at all. What's there to be scared about? I'm not going into inpatient and someone isn't going to shove food down my throat.

The assessment actually went really well! I had my blood work done in another building and then went to the eating disorder building. It's so nice in there! Everything is so clean. There's four levels of care, so I may not even see the inpatient people.

After we got there, me and my mom just did some paperwork, and then I answered a huge survey and had blood pressure, height, weight, and all that done. Then I talked to the doctor or assessment person, and told her what I wanted, what I need help with, and what I'm scared of.

At the end, my mom came in and we all talked and the doctor changed the diagnosis. She says I have EDNOS (eating disorders not otherwise specified) because I now get my period every other month and I'm doing so much better than when I first went in to the other clinic. But, that diagnosis somehow makes me mad. But why does it matter? Why do I want anorexia? I don't. I used to see EDNOS as people who couldn't starve themselves good enough (this was very much Ed's idea as I write it. It sounds stupid and insane.)

So when I left the place, I almost didn't feel good enough for anorexia. But now that I think about it, who cares what I have! I still have an eating disorder and I need help for it. It doesn't matter which one it is, I just need help to recover from it.

But all in all, I like the new clinic. Sure, it's an hour away and I'm probably going to be there for 3 hours a week but I really like it. And the best part is, they don't just randomly throw a therapist, dietitian, and physician at me. They see who works best with me.

After the assessment was over, I went to eat lunch at the cafeteria and saw that my mom, was on her phone. Again. Every time we're at some kind of important eating disorder appointment or modeling thing, she's always on her phone. It really makes me mad because it seems like I'm not important. Like she cares about talking to other people and work more than me.

I also got really mad because I needed her at that moment. I was so worried about calories at the Cafeteria and I had no idea what to get because I didn't know the amount, so I usually have her there for support. I was so tempted to just not get anything because she was making me so mad. But in the end, I got a chocolate pudding parfait (which I ate half of) and a snack meal thingy. (hard boiled egg, grapes, fruit dip, and a lemon poppy seed muffin which I ate half of because it was really hard and gross).

But, my mom had to make me mad again, and said that the lunch I was eating was not good enough (she didn't say that exactly, but it sounded very similar) and that I should get pizza. We argued, I was tempted to work out and not eat because I lost my appetite but I ate it. And you know what? I was actually full! I was so proud of myself. It wasn't a uncomfortable fullness or a half fullness, I was full and I didn't drink any water with my meal either.

So despite what happened, I still felt pride from feeling full. And I think that's something I need to do every day.


These are my new boots/slippers. They're so comfy! This isn't the best picture but oh well. I really like them.

Cake Batter Ice cream, yummy. I had this yesterday for lunch because I was feeling sick. I forgot how good it was, it tastes so good! Almost better than real cake batter.

Has anyone ever tried these before? They're pretty amazing. I haven't had them in a while (still haven't opened them, salt is not good on a sore throat) but I can't wait to have them again! This is probably the only microwavable thing I really like. It tastes almost like restaurant fries.

This was the cutest movie ever! I'm so glad I watched it. It's so funny too. And Jimmy Fallon is in it!

Have a great night everyone!


  1. Oh I love cake batter ice cream. I always order Birthday Cake at Cold Stone (a very rare treat, but I always share it with Stu and it's worth buying).

    I am glad your assessment and overall experience went well.

    It sounded like your anger did surface a lot today, and you seemed to handle it appropriately.

    And no, you are not stupid; ED is stupid. :)


  2. I am so glad that your first time at the new clinic went well, Danielle!! I am so proud of you for how hard you are working- you truly inspire me to do the best I can in recovery and to stay positive! Keep us updated- can't wait to hear about your awesome new treatment team (your former therapist wasn't good enough for you, I'm glad you're getting the quality of care you deserve!).

    I'm sorry about your mom not paying attention to you during lunch- I can only imagine how hard that must have been! Do you think you could talk to her about how it makes you feel when she's on the phone while she's with you, or do you think it would make things worse? Also, when you develop a good relationship with your new therapist, you can have him/her help you discuss these things with your mom. With my own parents, I find that they genuinely want to help, they just don't know what is upsetting/triggering for me unless I spell it out for them.

    As far as your feelings about being diagnosed with EDNOS, I know where you're coming from b/c my current diagnosis is EDNOS. You know what I found out though recently? 70% of people with eating disorders are diagnosed as EDNOS, and most people who are recovering from Anorexia are diagnosed as EDNOS at some point. It does not make your eating disorder any less valid. It does not mean you do not need help in your recovery. It is just a label- it doesn't define you. As far as your ED's perception that people w/ EDNOS can't starve themselves well enough, here is something that might give your ED a different perspective: when I was in a really bad place and eating less than 500 cals a day and exercising and very malnourished, I was EDNOS. It's just a label- in the end, all people w/ EDs are dealing w/ similar struggles.

    Keep up the great work Danielle! As always, love reading your blog. <3

  3. I'm so happy that you like the new clinic! It sounds like they are really good. I hope that you have a good experience there! And you should be proud of yourself - sometimes others don't realize that we are winning HUGE battles by just doing little things!

    I just got my first pair of slippers - and my feet are so happy! =D

    Keep it up! Stay strong!

  4. Yay! Your new boots look adorable and warm!

    The new clinic sounds like a good thing; I'm glad you've liked it so far.
    Cafateria food = not always the tastiest =/ But, I'm glad you were able to feel full and accept it! That always seems to be a tricky thing for me...
    Keep up the amazing job and have a great week!<3

  5. Hey Danielle! i hope you get better sooon!!! and i know your mum does care, she might just have a funny way of showing it, and i know thats hard too! but by restricting-youre only punishing yourself, not your mum. chin up deary! xxx

  6. Before doctors had even diagnosed my ED at all, I saw a dietician and she told my mom that it didn't seem like I had an eating disorder at all. It just goes to show, professionals don't always know exactly how to pinpoint and help an eating disordered patient. It's a mental disease and most of is in our head where others cannot go. We can choose how much to divulge about our disorder and how much to keep to ourselves. But I know that you're doing the right thing by seeking help. I hope that you keep progressing!

    <3 Tori

  7. So proud of you! I thought the same thing when I started getting periods again, that I wasn't "good enough" for anorexia. But honey, it just means you're too good for anorexia! You are stronger than it is and you're making beautiful progress. <3

  8. Those boots are adorable! :)

    Don't beat yourself up about not "being good enough" for anorexia! I so wish I could go back and undo all the damage that's been done to my body. I believed I wasn't "good enough" for anorexia and it only hurt me more and more. Truth is, Ed would never have be satisfied until I was dead. That not living at all much less being free!

    I'm glad you were able to go to the clinic! I love my support team and am so glad now that I have them...This isn't always the case though because they ask tough questions and have given me hard challenges.. But they only do it because they want me to be happy and healthy - ED FREE!!

    You are fighting hard - keep it up!! <3