Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Still Sick

warning: may be triggering
I'm stuck. Today, my period came back and I know I should see that as a good sign, but I don't. The ED keeps taunting me saying it came back already?! you're so fat. Please lose weight you're so worthless. I'm so sick of looking at myself, all I see is fat. All I see is a problem that needs to be fixed.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I skipped breakfast, lunch, and only ate dinner on Friday. I even tried to work out, but I ended up barely doing anything because I was so weak from lack of food. And today, I also ate less. Not a lot less, but I also biked and walked today and it's less than I usually eat.

I really wish I wasn't stuck on the roller coaster of emotions. Sad, fat, guilty, depressed, happy, hyper, mad. All happening within one day. I just want to jump off because I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle the guilt of eating more and gaining weight. It's too much for me to handle. I freak out over a 1/2 lb gain!

I realize now, that I am not perfect. There is no way for me to be happy 24/7. But something needs to change. I had an appointment with my doctor today, and she thinks I need a new clinic. Sure, this one has gotten me far, but I need to move on. Or else I'm going to keep on going backwards in recovery.

I have to keep reminding myself why I want recovery. I want it because:
-I want to be able to eat whatever I want, and work out every other day
-I want to bake without worrying if I'm going to eat too much
-I want to eat at the cheesecake factory and be able to eat the next day
-I want to have a normal mind. Meaning, no guilt over eating or thinking about food too much
-I don't want to be overly cold anymore
-I want to have kids one day (before I'm 28)

I need recovery. I want it, but I'm afraid. Afraid of being fat. Afraid of feeling worthless all the time. But the truth is, I'm sick of this. I want to eat at least 1,500 calories and work out and not feel guilty. I want to have the energy to run 5 miles.

I guess I'll just see what happens. I know what is best for myself, but it's hard to actually do that. The ED, is NOT going to win. I will win this fight, even if it takes forever.


  1. I am all too familiar with this roller coaster of which you speak. It is a constant struggle, but it is so worth it. Every postitive decision and small triumph counts. You may feel afraid, but you are brave for taking on the huge task of recovery and all you can do is keep plugging along.
    Stay strong; you can do it! <3

  2. thinking if u d :)
    recovery is like a sea, sometimes choppy and tempestuous and sometimes calms and peacful. ED will throw so many things at us as we start to show signs of being well, and yea,it is tough, but its up to us to not let these things drag us under, we must keep wimming and keeo our heads above water and the sea will calm once again. I promise. I know its frustating at times, but we have to believe that it will be worth it. Youre not alone in doing this, rememerring that helps me in my struggles. take care hun. and eat up!!!:)

  3. Hang in there Danielle. I consider my ED recovery a lot like a dance; I have probably said this a few times already, but it is the only thing that really makes sense. You take a step forward then 2 steps backward.

    When that happens (mini-relapse) then be gentle with yourself. That does happen!

    When that happens; find a courage in yourself, then take that one step forward even if it means eating just one large meal or eating more snacks, but do not stop eating. Then start from there. Eat in smaller portions if that helps. When you feel grounded then continue your recovery.

    Getting your period is actually a very good sign. It means you are taking care of yourself! It does not mean failure.

    Hang in there.

  4. You will win. You are a beautiful and strong person, Danielle. I have struggled with so many of these issues. One day, we will be free of this disease! Celebrate even the smallest victories, and don't be too hard on yourself. There will be hard days, but it is all progress.
    Stay strong.

  5. Danielle,

    I'm thinking of you, and I really wish I could give you a hug right now! I'm sorry that you're in so much pain- I know the roller coaster of emotions well and it's so hard- I can relate to feeling like it's all too much to handle. Remember though, that you are STRONG and there is a light at the end of the tunnel- this journey to health is probably the hardest any of us will ever have to face, but in the end it will be so worth it. You are so much more than your eating disorder- we all are. You have amazing reasons for why you want to recover- look at that list if you ever start to question if you really want it- you have such a beautiful, bright future ahead of you.

    I, too, have struggled with fear holding me back in my recovery- it's scary to let go of something that has been a security blanket for so long! I think it's awesome that you're getting a new treatment team, though- I feel like it will get easier over time to trust the recovery process once you have a therapist that you really trust to look out for you and understand where you're coming from.

    One day at a time, Danielle. A slip doesn't erase all of the hard work you've done and the progress you have made. Keep fighting and know that you truly have what it takes to beat this illness. I believe in you!!!