warning: may be triggeringI'm stuck. Today, my period came back and I know I should see that as a good sign, but I don't. The ED keeps taunting me saying it came back already?! you're so fat. Please lose weight you're so worthless. I'm so sick of looking at myself, all I see is fat. All I see is a problem that needs to be fixed.
I have been struggling a lot lately. I skipped breakfast, lunch, and only ate dinner on Friday. I even tried to work out, but I ended up barely doing anything because I was so weak from lack of food. And today, I also ate less. Not a lot less, but I also biked and walked today and it's less than I usually eat.
I really wish I wasn't stuck on the roller coaster of emotions. Sad, fat, guilty, depressed, happy, hyper, mad. All happening within one day. I just want to jump off because I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle the guilt of eating more and gaining weight. It's too much for me to handle. I freak out over a 1/2 lb gain!
I realize now, that I am not perfect. There is no way for me to be happy 24/7. But something needs to change. I had an appointment with my doctor today, and she thinks I need a new clinic. Sure, this one has gotten me far, but I need to move on. Or else I'm going to keep on going backwards in recovery.
I have to keep reminding myself why I want recovery. I want it because:
-I want to be able to eat whatever I want, and work out every other day
-I want to bake without worrying if I'm going to eat too much
-I want to eat at the cheesecake factory and be able to eat the next day
-I want to have a normal mind. Meaning, no guilt over eating or thinking about food too much
-I don't want to be overly cold anymore
-I want to have kids one day (before I'm 28)
I need recovery. I want it, but I'm afraid. Afraid of being fat. Afraid of feeling worthless all the time. But the truth is, I'm sick of this. I want to eat at least 1,500 calories and work out and not feel guilty. I want to have the energy to run 5 miles.
I guess I'll just see what happens. I know what is best for myself, but it's hard to actually do that. The ED, is NOT going to win. I will win this fight, even if it takes forever.