I wish it wasn't a constant battle with my eating disorder. For example, if i have this, then i can't have this and then i can have this. Or i can eat all this and then I'll be closer to my goal weight and then i can have permission to work out and then I'll be able to do whatever i want and they won't watch what i eat anymore. Perfect. I wish i could be like my parents. They eat whatever they want. But then again.. they never work out and they're not in shape. Not that I'm judging or anything. I want to be in shape. I don't want to be unhealthy anymore and I want to eat healthy things. With the occasional unhealthy thing. Is that bad? One thing I'm going to let go of, is the guilt of eating more than i planned to.
Last Christmas was probably the worst. I was at a healthy weight and i was working out normally but i was still secretly obsessed and the eating disorder was still there. I remember making a cheesecake but no one was eating it so i felt like i had to eat it. I ate three or four slices along with dinner and lunch and felt incredibly guilty about it. Christmas was at our house, so i figured I'll work out. So i workout out, at Christmas, when my whole family was over. It sounds so bad now that i write it. I know that I'll be incredibly glad when that obsession is gone but.. how long is that going to take?
I'm just glad i have a little bit more freedom now. Sure, the thoughts are still there but I'm doing better. Before, if i ate a small roll that was 100 calories over my daily limit, i would feel like I'd instantly gained 5 pounds and would stand for a long time in the mirror picking out flaws about myself. Compared to then, i guess I've come a long ways. Now, all i need to do is regain balance. Eat healthy, work out everyday, and enjoy the occasional treat. Hopefully I'll get there soon and overcome this.