Okay, i think I'm a failure. Kind of. A little. Lets just say.. the weekend didn't go very well. See, my cousin was having a baby shower so me, my mom, and my grandma, drove 5 hours to see her. As soon as i thought about the trip, i instantly panicked. oh my god, what do i eat? when do i eat? what if they judge me on what I'm eating? What if i eat too much? Honestly, it didn't go too bad. But the ED thoughts were very very loud. Saturday was probably the worst day.
The day started out okay, i had an unhealthy breakfast of Starbucks light mocha frappuccino and we started driving. When we got there, the food didn't looks too good so i just grabbed a diet Pepsi and planned not to eat as long as i possibly could. That wasn't very long though. As i was drinking the Pepsi, my hand kept shaking from lack of food and it really scared me. Why am i so picky? Why can't i just eat something and stop putting so much thought into it? I ended up eating a cheese sandwich and a cupcake. Of course the ED didn't like this because there was a lot of cheese on the sandwich and it made me feel guilty and count calories.
Dinner wasn't the best either. I got a salad and a coffee ice cream thing from Wendy's and picked though the whole salad. But why am i doing this? I did so well on Friday. I didn't count calories at all that day and i consider that a huge step for me because counting calories is a habit. I don't understand why the eating disorder thoughts are returning and becoming really loud again. Every time i look in the mirror, i don't see what other people see and when i got home, i weighed myself. And to top it off, the eating disorder is telling me to restrict again.
I know that i can't listen to it. I have to fight back. I have to tell it, no! I'm not listening to you anymore. I want to be happy and you won't let me do that. I can't listen to it. I have to fight and challenge it as much as i can. I'm going to win this fight. ED won't be a part of my life anymore and i will be happy. Anorexia does not equal happiness.
Please don't feel like a failure! Everyone has slips, especially when the ED voice is so strong. It sounds like you're continuing to work hard to fight it, which is awesome! You're fighting back as best as you can, and that is what is important.
ReplyDeleteAbout the ED voice getting louder: a social worker at the recovery program I did a few months ago told me that it's normal for the ED voice to get louder as you stop restricting. It kind of "freaks out" b/c you're not listening to it, so for awhile it is going to be really loud... But over time, as it sort of realizes that the thoughts aren't going to make you restrict, it gets softer and softer until eventually, someday, it is gone. So keep fighting the ED thoughts, and eventually they will go away! But try not to worry about them getting louder, b/c it's all part of the recovery process.
Keep staying strong, Danielle! You are doing great!!! <3
You're right. Anorexia does NOT equal happiness. It's just the opposite. That voice can be so loud sometimes and so difficult to ignore. The good thing is that you can at least recognize it as the voice of anorexia. For so long (at least in my experience) our voice and the voice of anorexia mesh into one and it's hard to tell them apart. Once you can identify it as your eating disorder speaking, you can choose to ignore everything it says. Because it's all lies!
ReplyDeleteTake care. You can do this!