Okay, i think I'm a failure. Kind of. A little. Lets just say.. the weekend didn't go very well. See, my cousin was having a baby shower so me, my mom, and my grandma, drove 5 hours to see her. As soon as i thought about the trip, i instantly panicked. oh my god, what do i eat? when do i eat? what if they judge me on what I'm eating? What if i eat too much? Honestly, it didn't go too bad. But the ED thoughts were very very loud. Saturday was probably the worst day.
The day started out okay, i had an unhealthy breakfast of Starbucks light mocha frappuccino and we started driving. When we got there, the food didn't looks too good so i just grabbed a diet Pepsi and planned not to eat as long as i possibly could. That wasn't very long though. As i was drinking the Pepsi, my hand kept shaking from lack of food and it really scared me. Why am i so picky? Why can't i just eat something and stop putting so much thought into it? I ended up eating a cheese sandwich and a cupcake. Of course the ED didn't like this because there was a lot of cheese on the sandwich and it made me feel guilty and count calories.
Dinner wasn't the best either. I got a salad and a coffee ice cream thing from Wendy's and picked though the whole salad. But why am i doing this? I did so well on Friday. I didn't count calories at all that day and i consider that a huge step for me because counting calories is a habit. I don't understand why the eating disorder thoughts are returning and becoming really loud again. Every time i look in the mirror, i don't see what other people see and when i got home, i weighed myself. And to top it off, the eating disorder is telling me to restrict again.
I know that i can't listen to it. I have to fight back. I have to tell it, no! I'm not listening to you anymore. I want to be happy and you won't let me do that. I can't listen to it. I have to fight and challenge it as much as i can. I'm going to win this fight. ED won't be a part of my life anymore and i will be happy. Anorexia does not equal happiness.