New Surprises

When I woke up this morning, i just thought it was going to be a regular boring day. Until my mom surprised me again. The fashion coordinator emailed her and said she needed another model in the runway show! So i pretty much get to model! I don't think I'll get paid but still, it's such a great opportunity. At first i wasn't that excited, but I'm kind of weird like that. I have a really slow reaction to things and usually get excited an hour or two later.

The best part about it is I'll probably still be able to help out with behind the scenes stuff an hour or two before i model. The only thing that I'm really worries about is the sizes. She said i had to be a size two but i think i am? I'm not sure. My sizes are kinda weird right now because I'm in transition. My size zero jeans still fit so i should be able to be a size two.

But why am i obsessing about this? I shouldn't be obsessing about this but i can't help it. I've been worried about sizes and what I'm going to look like later. But i know in my conscious mind, I'll look good if i just eat healthy and exercise. I look like a stick now, and for some reason i like that.

Yesterday i put on an outfit and it made me look really skinny. And i liked it. But i shouldn't! I really shouldn't because I'm still not at the healthiest weight i can be at and I'm not supposed to look this way. I shouldn't be thinking up ways i can stay this way or planning when not to eat.

But I'm sure these are just the feelings that are supposed to be part of recovery. I cant just automatically be cured. It takes time and patience for me to get better. I just need to stop listening to these thoughts. I'll recover if i just stop listening to them.