Monday, September 27, 2010

One step forward, two steps back

I've realized that I've made so many strides in recovery. I'm not obsessed with working out anymore, I actually like my body now, and I'm not counting calories anymore. That huge! But all of a sudden, I feel different.

I'm not quite sure what happened, but suddenly, I almost feel like I'm falling back into my old patterns. Calories seem to matter more, I feel like I've gained weight again, and i don't want to gain weight. But why is it all of a sudden different? I don't understand. I've been doing the same thing I've been doing. It's strange. Recovery is so confusing, but I wish it wasn't this confusing.

Another good thing was, i did get my period back! I shouldn't be excited about that, but i am because it means I'm getting healthier again. I can't let myself fall back into my old patterns. I really can't. I want good health but i also still have a strong desire to be skinny. I'm suddenly afraid of gaining weight again and i hate that. I'm still not at the healthiest weight. But i really like my body right now. I'm afraid that if i gain weight, i won't like myself anymore.

I know this is stupid to think this way. The number on the scale shouldn't matter and the size of clothes I'm wearing shouldn't matter. But it does. To the eating disorder and to me. But to let go of this eating disorder, i have to learn to love myself. No matter how much I weigh or what size I am.


  1. Woo-hoo, congrats on getting your period back!!! I'm glad you're excited, it's good that you're happy about this sign of health- I know I did a dance around my room when I got mine back! :-)

    Recovery isn't a straight line, it's a lot of ups and downs- it's normal to be tempted to fall back into old behaviors, you just have to fight that urge with all that you have!!! I can definitely relate to the strong desire to be skinny... That's one of my biggest struggles right now. Just a suggestion- do you think it would help to stop weighing yourself, and leave it to doctors to monitor your weight? I know that thought must be scary (I know it was to me!), but if it's the number that's contributing to you feeling this way, it might be beneficial to take the number out of the picture.

    Stay strong, Danielle!!! You have come so far and I know you can do this!!!

    p.s. This is forever_hopeful, I changed my screen name to my actual name :-)

  2. I can't really say anything helpful because I'm so messed up right now as it is :P but like you've said on my blog, just try to focus on what is healthy for you. Try not to think of food as calories, but as fuel your body needs to survive. And that is really wonderful about your period coming back :) getting healthy is a great thing :)