I'm not quite sure what happened, but suddenly, I almost feel like I'm falling back into my old patterns. Calories seem to matter more, I feel like I've gained weight again, and i don't want to gain weight. But why is it all of a sudden different? I don't understand. I've been doing the same thing I've been doing. It's strange. Recovery is so confusing, but I wish it wasn't this confusing.
Another good thing was, i did get my period back! I shouldn't be excited about that, but i am because it means I'm getting healthier again. I can't let myself fall back into my old patterns. I really can't. I want good health but i also still have a strong desire to be skinny. I'm suddenly afraid of gaining weight again and i hate that. I'm still not at the healthiest weight. But i really like my body right now. I'm afraid that if i gain weight, i won't like myself anymore.
I know this is stupid to think this way. The number on the scale shouldn't matter and the size of clothes I'm wearing shouldn't matter. But it does. To the eating disorder and to me. But to let go of this eating disorder, i have to learn to love myself. No matter how much I weigh or what size I am.