Saturday, September 25, 2010

Self Esteem

On a scale of one to ten, my self esteem is probably a three. I know that's a low number, but it's going up!.. Until yesterday.

Unfortunately, i didn't get to model in the show. But that was okay, because I was really really scared because I'm not that experienced. I got to do the "grunt work" but I liked it! It was pretty fun. I like doing any kind of work, so i was happy.

It was what happened later, what made me feel really bad about myself. I was gonna go backstage to help dress the models but the fashion coordinator switched me out to the main room so i could watch the show. My job was to sit at this booth and let people know about this really cool online store. The other older girl i was working with explained it to me once and i was kinda confused but i just wanted to roll with it. Anyway, when the runway show started, she walked away and left me there by myself. Which is okay, i LOVE runway! It's pretty amazing to watch it all. But after the first show ended, the creepy older guy came up to me. I can't remember exactly what he said, i just remember him really intimidating me and making me feel really bad about myself and coming closer and closer to me. So, that's what made me feel really bad about myself and made me self esteem go even lower. Which triggered the eating disorder.

When I'm feeling really sad, or really bad about myself, i think of ways i can change the way people think about me. I know i shouldn't do this, but i can't help it. The first thing the came to mind, was lose weight. If i lose weight, he probably wouldn't have came up to me in the first place and started (flirting?) with me. I would be so scary looking like before, no one would ever do that to me again.

I know this isn't a good thing to think, and now that i do think about it, i don't want to do it. Although i have lost two pounds without trying (because I've been struggling lately) it would be easy for me to lose the weight but I'm not going to do that. The easy was out, isn't always the best. And I'm never going to see that guy again! He made another girl feel the same way i did and was escorted out by security and banned from coming to any of the fashion events ever again.

Next time, I'm definitely going to be by people or backstage helping the models. Or maybe even modeling myself one day(: Modeling is my dream, and I'm not going to let anything get in the way of it. Recovery is best for me right now and i can't go against it. I want to recover. I want to have more self esteem. And i have to recover to do that. Not lose weight.

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