It was only later that day, that it got really difficult. It was around dinner time, but I didn't want to eat. I felt like I had had too much earlier so when my mom asked me what I wanted, I struggled to answer, and said nothing. I wasn't really in the mood to eat. So of course, she did not listen and made me dinner.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I don't like other people making me food. It's almost like.. I don't trust them? (does anyone else have this problem?) I don't know why. I like making food for other people, but I hate when people make food for me. Sometimes they say that they're returning the favor, but I don't really see it as a nice gesture, I feel bad that food might go to waste.
Anyway, my mom made the food and called me to the table. I had no appetite. It was completely gone. I had absolutely no desire to eat. At all. So I did the ED trick, pushed it around the plate, messed around with it, took very very slow very small bites, drank the water first, but I guess luckily I was not fooling anyone. My parents got really really mad at me, and I hate when people are mad at me. It really stressed me out, so I got a really bad stomach ache. But my parents wouldn't believe me. They thought I was faking it and kept telling me to eat. Then, they began taking things away from me. Like my cell phone, Internet (which I really need to do school!), car rides, even occasionally hanging out with friends.
Eventually they got fed up and left me alone upstairs by myself. I didn't know what to do. My people pleasing attitude told me to just eat it, the ED told me to hide the food, but I didn't listen to either of them.
I ended up convincing my mom to read some ED articles on the NEDA website and now she's starting to read some ED parent books. So I guess it's a start.
I did eat something later though. The rest of the cake batter ice cream (yum!) but my mom of course, had to comment on that:"Do you really think that's a proper dinner?" "why don't you eat ____?" Me: "Well, I just don't feel like eating anything right now. Can't you just be happy that I'm at least trying?". So she just left me alone again.
Each time something like this happens, it makes me want to go away. Go away to a place where people understand me. Like an inpatient clinic in Texas, or California. I know I'm not that bad so I probably couldn't go there, but I want to. I'm so tired of people telling me to eat and if I do eat, they criticize me for what I'm eating. I can't help it/: I'm a sweets person. I like sweets. The ED says I should limit my sweet intake, but I don't listen to it. I like sweets and I am going to enjoy them. Even if I just have sweets for breakfast and then try to have proper meals later, I am still going to have them.
I will try harder this week. Hopefully I can just silence the voices around me (and the voice in my head) and just eat. Even if it's eating alone, at least I'm trying.
Hi Danielle! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I see you have two blogs, so I wasn't sure which to comment on (both look good!). Hang in there with the ED recovery! I know that the "helpful" comments from mom are so frustrating... my mother is STILL in denial that I ever had an eating disorder, despite meeting ALL the medical criteria for being anorexic, and she would make lots of comments about my "weird eating habits" and such (she still does at times!!). You are doing well just by listening to your body and eating what you want to! I went through a TERRIBLE sweets stage! lol It's normal. So keep doing what you're doing, and feel free to contact me if you need any help/support. I may be able to help!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your having a rough week! =( HUG!
ReplyDeleteSounds very familiar though.. My parents were, and sometimes still seem to be control freaks when it comes to food. This was really hurting me. My therapist had a rule for them for a while - don't comment, don't not notice, don't speak...or something like that. I needed to learn to listen to my body no matter where I was, who was there, what time it was...But I too didn't like to eat someone elses cooking.. So for a time I got my way and still do. I am know trying to work at slowly entering back into eating with my family and whatever they make- but I choose how much I want of what they make and what I want to major on. Talk about this with your nutritionist or therapist if you can (unless your parents are in the meetings. Mine were for a while but then they backed off a little).So keep fighting! You can never please everyone and your relationship with food is yours - not your parents. (I don't want to sound mean because they are only doing this because they love you and genuinely want you to be "all better". At least that's what my parents wanted. )
Nothing beats doing YOUR best!!
Stay strong!
Hang in there Danielle! You can do this. You are winning this battle, even when it's hard. Keep on fighting!
ReplyDeleteYes, I struggle with the same dislike of other people making my food. I want to know exactly how they prepared it so that I can figure out how to adjust my food intake - but that's ED talking so I'm trying to let go.
I love those Eleanor Roosevelt quotes!
Remember: never, never, never give up! -Winston Churchill
Hang in there. Everybody else are right. We are here for you. I know you are there for YOU even though you don't feel that way lately. It is not easy.
ReplyDeleteI love sweets too! I have a sweet tooth which is something my ED dislikes big time. But I don't listen to my ED and allow myself to enjoy what I want to enjoy. Life is too short anyway.
Remember, you may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. It's my favorite quote by Maragaret Thatcher.
Hugs.
I don't have too anybody trying to fix meals for me all the time, but I can imagine I wouldn't be too thrilled about it. Basically it would be a wrench in my routine. I always know what's in everything I eat, because I make most of it. But when I do go out and eat food at a restaurant or someone else's house and food that they make, I get anxious and over analyze it. I'm a lot better than I use to be. I use to just flat out refuse or eat very little, but now I make myself act normal and try to see it as exposure therapy. The more we do it, the easier it will be! So just keep telling yourself that once you eat and do what you have to do, it will be one step closer to having your normal eating habits back!
ReplyDeleteAnd girl, if you feel like you need to be inpatient at a clinic, then take action and reach out to someone to let them know that! If you fee like you could really benefit from it, then why wait until it might be too late and you start to regress in recovery intstead of progress?
Hope things get better!
<3 Tori
Your words:
ReplyDeleteI don't like other people making me food. It's almost like.. I don't trust them? (does anyone else have this problem?)
Yes! It is VERY common amongst people with ED.
I am wondering what is preventing you from going to residential treatment.
If its really the feeling that you are "not that bad" please just erase that and pursue it.
And eat as many sweets as you like. For you, in my opinion, the most import5ant thing is that you are eating. The nutrition and balance can come later.
Eart ice cream for breakfast and cookies for dinner....just EAT.
~Missy
I hate it when other people cook for me. Even my boyfriend, and he's a chef! Eventually he kicks me out of the kitchen when he cooks because I won't stop stressing out about every little thing. I think it stems from the whole issue of wanting to control everything. Sometimes we have to give up control. Sometimes we just have to trust, to let go.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that your Mom is reading articles and trying to understand what you're going through. My mom never did those things when I was struggling, and I always wished she would have.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. I know sometimes eating seems like an insurmountable task, but you've got to do it. It's for the best, even when it doesn't feel like it. <3