The past week, I've been so confused. Since I've been eating more and trying not to aim for 1,200 calories a day anymore, I've been a lot more conscious of what i put into my body. These are some of the questions I've been so confused about for the past week: When should i eat? Every four hours? What if i eat 200 calories every 2 hours? Wait.. how many calories would that be? Will i ever be normal again? How much water should i drink a day? Should i stop buying fat free stuff? How much and how often should i work out? Will i look how i looked three years ago? Ew i don't want to look like that, gross! Did i gain ten pounds when i was on vacation last year? I think i had a good body before then. I hope these questions will eventually go away. They're so annoying and they always send me worrying and then i go looking at old pictures of myself and worry some more.
I know these problems aren't that big of a deal but this truth is, i don't want to look how i did three years ago. I never worked out then and i ate however i wanted. Was i happy? Wait.. i was happy then. Weird.. i wasn't working out then. But maybe i was one of those people who didn't care. Who didn't care what size of jeans i was wearing, who didn't care what my weight was and didn't care how i ate. I was a normal person back then but have i changed for the better now?
When i think about the body i want, i picture my body before my family went on vacation last year. I was eating normally, snacking on 100 calorie snacks, not counting calories, working out regularly, and wasn't too obsessed about what i looked like. I was happy.
So how can i be how i used to be? By having snacks in my diet. I've got the whole three meals a day thing down, now i just have to add in little snacks. I'll recover from this illness. I know i will.
I think it would be great to get back to a place of not caring and being free from numbers and calories and quantities, they arent the important thing in life anyway.
ReplyDeleteOh and the questions will die down after a while, when we enter into a new pattern or behaviours, our minds can go a little question crazy with the new scenario we are in.
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I can relate to the worrying questions!!! I hear that they get quieter, and eventually go away, over time once one is further along in recovery. It's interesting; I have a similar experience with having been happier when I was heavier and eating more, but not wanting to go back to looking like that. I was the happiest I had ever been this time last year, and I was free of ED symptoms. It makes sense that you want to go back what your body was like before you went on vacation last year- since you were healthy, fit, and HAPPY then it sounds like a great goal to shoot for! You WILL get there! Keep working on the snacks and talking back to the worry thoughts, and in time you'll reach your goal.
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