A year's difference

I try to think of what life was like last year and it's so hard to imagine. I was a completely different person then. I cared too much about what other people thought of me and I had toxic friends. The ED wasn't very present then, but it was still in the back of my mind. Just very quiet.

Last year, I had friends who decorated my locker at school on my birthday. This year, no friends. But honestly, I'm happier now. Which is weird but I don't have friends. Yes I have to get friends, but it's so hard to find GOOD friends.

See, my friends last year were toxic. Sure, we had our good times, but the drama outnumbered the good times. They made me feel so bad about myself, and at the time, I didn't even realize it. Now, I do. Friends are caring, loving, and supportive. They accept you for who you are and love you for exactly you. My friends last year did not do that. They treated me badly without me realizing it. They made fun of my parents and disrespected me and my home. They left messes everywhere they went and treated people badly. But, they weren't all bad. Just misguided, like everyone else my age is.

I do realize that I have to get friends and they will make my life better but it's hard. I've been isolated for months, and the ED encouraged that. The ED told me that when my friends left me, people would love me if I lost weight, and that never happened.

But honestly, friends aside, today was a pretty great 16th birthday for me. I went to the cheesecake factory and ate a good amount of food and it felt pretty good too.

I realize that friends are probably a step in the recovery process. I just have to learn to get over my fear of getting toxic friends. There are good people out there. I just have to find them.

What life is like without an eating disorder

What is life without an eating disorder? I'm not sure because I've had one for so long. Not as long as some other people, but still a long time. And I keep trying to think what life would be like without anorexia, but it's hard because I feel like I've had this for so long.

I guess like without an eating disorder would be life with happiness. Life without worrying about stomach fat, exercising, overeating, and how many calories are in this food or that food. Life without an eating disorder would mean I would be free. I would be free to make my own choices without someone in my head telling me what to eat and when and how much to exercise. Life without an eating disorder would be amazing. I wouldn't have to worry how fat or skinny I am because I would be skinny. And I would believe that for once in my life.

Life without an eating disorder equals hope. Hopefully, I'll be free one day. Then I can help others like me.

One step forward, two steps back

I've realized that I've made so many strides in recovery. I'm not obsessed with working out anymore, I actually like my body now, and I'm not counting calories anymore. That huge! But all of a sudden, I feel different.

I'm not quite sure what happened, but suddenly, I almost feel like I'm falling back into my old patterns. Calories seem to matter more, I feel like I've gained weight again, and i don't want to gain weight. But why is it all of a sudden different? I don't understand. I've been doing the same thing I've been doing. It's strange. Recovery is so confusing, but I wish it wasn't this confusing.

Another good thing was, i did get my period back! I shouldn't be excited about that, but i am because it means I'm getting healthier again. I can't let myself fall back into my old patterns. I really can't. I want good health but i also still have a strong desire to be skinny. I'm suddenly afraid of gaining weight again and i hate that. I'm still not at the healthiest weight. But i really like my body right now. I'm afraid that if i gain weight, i won't like myself anymore.

I know this is stupid to think this way. The number on the scale shouldn't matter and the size of clothes I'm wearing shouldn't matter. But it does. To the eating disorder and to me. But to let go of this eating disorder, i have to learn to love myself. No matter how much I weigh or what size I am.

Self Esteem

On a scale of one to ten, my self esteem is probably a three. I know that's a low number, but it's going up!.. Until yesterday.

Unfortunately, i didn't get to model in the show. But that was okay, because I was really really scared because I'm not that experienced. I got to do the "grunt work" but I liked it! It was pretty fun. I like doing any kind of work, so i was happy.

It was what happened later, what made me feel really bad about myself. I was gonna go backstage to help dress the models but the fashion coordinator switched me out to the main room so i could watch the show. My job was to sit at this booth and let people know about this really cool online store. The other older girl i was working with explained it to me once and i was kinda confused but i just wanted to roll with it. Anyway, when the runway show started, she walked away and left me there by myself. Which is okay, i LOVE runway! It's pretty amazing to watch it all. But after the first show ended, the creepy older guy came up to me. I can't remember exactly what he said, i just remember him really intimidating me and making me feel really bad about myself and coming closer and closer to me. So, that's what made me feel really bad about myself and made me self esteem go even lower. Which triggered the eating disorder.

When I'm feeling really sad, or really bad about myself, i think of ways i can change the way people think about me. I know i shouldn't do this, but i can't help it. The first thing the came to mind, was lose weight. If i lose weight, he probably wouldn't have came up to me in the first place and started (flirting?) with me. I would be so scary looking like before, no one would ever do that to me again.

I know this isn't a good thing to think, and now that i do think about it, i don't want to do it. Although i have lost two pounds without trying (because I've been struggling lately) it would be easy for me to lose the weight but I'm not going to do that. The easy was out, isn't always the best. And I'm never going to see that guy again! He made another girl feel the same way i did and was escorted out by security and banned from coming to any of the fashion events ever again.

Next time, I'm definitely going to be by people or backstage helping the models. Or maybe even modeling myself one day(: Modeling is my dream, and I'm not going to let anything get in the way of it. Recovery is best for me right now and i can't go against it. I want to recover. I want to have more self esteem. And i have to recover to do that. Not lose weight.

New Surprises

When I woke up this morning, i just thought it was going to be a regular boring day. Until my mom surprised me again. The fashion coordinator emailed her and said she needed another model in the runway show! So i pretty much get to model! I don't think I'll get paid but still, it's such a great opportunity. At first i wasn't that excited, but I'm kind of weird like that. I have a really slow reaction to things and usually get excited an hour or two later.

The best part about it is I'll probably still be able to help out with behind the scenes stuff an hour or two before i model. The only thing that I'm really worries about is the sizes. She said i had to be a size two but i think i am? I'm not sure. My sizes are kinda weird right now because I'm in transition. My size zero jeans still fit so i should be able to be a size two.

But why am i obsessing about this? I shouldn't be obsessing about this but i can't help it. I've been worried about sizes and what I'm going to look like later. But i know in my conscious mind, I'll look good if i just eat healthy and exercise. I look like a stick now, and for some reason i like that.

Yesterday i put on an outfit and it made me look really skinny. And i liked it. But i shouldn't! I really shouldn't because I'm still not at the healthiest weight i can be at and I'm not supposed to look this way. I shouldn't be thinking up ways i can stay this way or planning when not to eat.

But I'm sure these are just the feelings that are supposed to be part of recovery. I cant just automatically be cured. It takes time and patience for me to get better. I just need to stop listening to these thoughts. I'll recover if i just stop listening to them.

Happiness

I can't remember the last time I was really, truly happy. It was a long time ago that I had a big happy smile on my face. Except today. Today, I had a pretty good day. Sure, I didn't eat that well, but I got over it and didn't feel guilty that I had too much of one thing. And It's only one day. I can pick myself up again tomorrow and start over.

I think the main reason I'm really happy today is because I'm finally involved with something. It's something I was kinda unsure about before, but now I'm really excited! I'm helping a fashion coordinator with Fashion week in the twin cities and I'm becoming her assistant on Friday. I can't even begin to describe how huge this is. It's just.. amazing! The twin cities never had a fashion week before soIi came at exactly the right time. It was meant to happen. And also, I've always wanted to see what the behind the scenes stuff was and I could also get a job someday out of this! And it's all thanks to my mom. My mom is so great. My birthday is coming up in two weeks and I was telling her how I didn't want it to be my birthday because I was so lonely so it wouldn't be a good birthday so we might as well just forget my birthday all together. So she called up this fashion place and asked if I could help! Thank you so much mom. If you ever read this, just know how much I appreciate you for all you do for me.

Anyway, I get to work there from 3-11 pm on Friday, running around and helping with things here and there. Hopefully I can take pictures but I might be really busy.

All in all, life seems great right now. It really does. This is the first time I've been really happy in months and I hope it lasts.

The evil voice returns

Okay, i think I'm a failure. Kind of. A little. Lets just say.. the weekend didn't go very well. See, my cousin was having a baby shower so me, my mom, and my grandma, drove 5 hours to see her. As soon as i thought about the trip, i instantly panicked. oh my god, what do i eat? when do i eat? what if they judge me on what I'm eating? What if i eat too much? Honestly, it didn't go too bad. But the ED thoughts were very very loud. Saturday was probably the worst day.

The day started out okay, i had an unhealthy breakfast of Starbucks light mocha frappuccino and we started driving. When we got there, the food didn't looks too good so i just grabbed a diet Pepsi and planned not to eat as long as i possibly could. That wasn't very long though. As i was drinking the Pepsi, my hand kept shaking from lack of food and it really scared me. Why am i so picky? Why can't i just eat something and stop putting so much thought into it? I ended up eating a cheese sandwich and a cupcake. Of course the ED didn't like this because there was a lot of cheese on the sandwich and it made me feel guilty and count calories.

Dinner wasn't the best either. I got a salad and a coffee ice cream thing from Wendy's and picked though the whole salad. But why am i doing this? I did so well on Friday. I didn't count calories at all that day and i consider that a huge step for me because counting calories is a habit. I don't understand why the eating disorder thoughts are returning and becoming really loud again. Every time i look in the mirror, i don't see what other people see and when i got home, i weighed myself. And to top it off, the eating disorder is telling me to restrict again.

I know that i can't listen to it. I have to fight back. I have to tell it, no! I'm not listening to you anymore. I want to be happy and you won't let me do that. I can't listen to it. I have to fight and challenge it as much as i can. I'm going to win this fight. ED won't be a part of my life anymore and i will be happy. Anorexia does not equal happiness.

Perfection

I never used to be the one to cry over my body. And bad part is, I've been doing it a lot lately. I'm not getting sad over my body now, but over the body i might have. Of course, i know this is stupid and useless but i really can't help it. I don't really know why I'm doing this. I guess the need to be perfect is still there, which i hate. No one is perfect. Not even celebrities. So why do i want to be?

I'm trying to have the ED not control me, but it is one way or another. I still panic if a food is a certain number or calories and still feel bad if i eat more than i normally do. Only now, i eat pretty healthy and don't starve myself and try really hard not to look at calories. I really wish calories was never.. invented. Or found out about. It makes everything worse and people with ED's aren't the only ones obsessed about calories. Other people are too. It seems like in today's society, everyone is. Society shines a light on really thin people and says they're perfect. But does that mean everyone else fails in comparison?

In god's eyes, we're all perfect. Just the way we are. There's no need for diets, botox, plastic surgery, or any other thing because we're perfect just the way we are.

One thing i have decided to do differently, is eat every three hours. It doesn't overwhelm me and it feels great for now. The only thing i need to worry about now, is portion sizes. I'm not going to be perfect, and i have to accept that. Imperfection is perfect.

Little problems

The past week, I've been so confused. Since I've been eating more and trying not to aim for 1,200 calories a day anymore, I've been a lot more conscious of what i put into my body. These are some of the questions I've been so confused about for the past week: When should i eat? Every four hours? What if i eat 200 calories every 2 hours? Wait.. how many calories would that be? Will i ever be normal again? How much water should i drink a day? Should i stop buying fat free stuff? How much and how often should i work out? Will i look how i looked three years ago? Ew i don't want to look like that, gross! Did i gain ten pounds when i was on vacation last year? I think i had a good body before then. I hope these questions will eventually go away. They're so annoying and they always send me worrying and then i go looking at old pictures of myself and worry some more.

I know these problems aren't that big of a deal but this truth is, i don't want to look how i did three years ago. I never worked out then and i ate however i wanted. Was i happy? Wait.. i was happy then. Weird.. i wasn't working out then. But maybe i was one of those people who didn't care. Who didn't care what size of jeans i was wearing, who didn't care what my weight was and didn't care how i ate. I was a normal person back then but have i changed for the better now?

When i think about the body i want, i picture my body before my family went on vacation last year. I was eating normally, snacking on 100 calorie snacks, not counting calories, working out regularly, and wasn't too obsessed about what i looked like. I was happy.

So how can i be how i used to be? By having snacks in my diet. I've got the whole three meals a day thing down, now i just have to add in little snacks. I'll recover from this illness. I know i will.

Thank you

This is probably a really different post for me. I just wanted to say to all those for supporting me.. thank you! You have no idea how you've helped me. Your encouraging comments and support keeps me going everyday. Seriously. If i was all alone and had no one with me, then i don't think i would continute this. I would want to die. But i noticed every since i mentioned recovery from anorexia or something, people have been so willing to help me. i love that. I love the help and support everyone have given me.

One thing i haven't really done yet, is weigh the pros and cons of anorexia. I think there will be more cons than pros which is good but i'll see what comes up.

Pros:

I get to be really thin

People will focus on my weight instead of my personality

I get a "high" from getting dizzy when i don't eat anything

I get to model and could be on the runway in no time

Cons:

I looked like a little kid

I could die anytime if i keep continuing it

Models get thin gradually. If i was already thin, i think people would not want to hire me

I could have a heart attack

I hate being isolated with everyone because i'm affraid there's going to be food around

I guess there is more cons than pros. And that's a good thing! When i look at the reasons why i want to have an eating disorder, they seem sad and weak. I want to be strong. I want to make a difference in the world. And most of all, i want to recover from this illness and come out a better person.

Bad Cravings

I know I was talking about healthy eating last time but for some reason I've been craving junk food lately. Weird.. i don't like junk food that much and the only junk food i keep in the house is pop tarts, which i eat for breakfast and i occasionally bake healthier sweets. I really really want to eat healthy but for some reason, i really want a poptart right now. But i already had some this morning. This is why i don't like keeping these in the house. I eat them, and then i feel bad about it later. I hope these feelings eventually go away and i feel great about what I'm eating. But part of me feels that it almost keep me like, in check. I want poptarts now but I'm unsure about eating them so I'm not going to have them.

I wish it wasn't a constant battle with my eating disorder. For example, if i have this, then i can't have this and then i can have this. Or i can eat all this and then I'll be closer to my goal weight and then i can have permission to work out and then I'll be able to do whatever i want and they won't watch what i eat anymore. Perfect. I wish i could be like my parents. They eat whatever they want. But then again.. they never work out and they're not in shape. Not that I'm judging or anything. I want to be in shape. I don't want to be unhealthy anymore and I want to eat healthy things. With the occasional unhealthy thing. Is that bad? One thing I'm going to let go of, is the guilt of eating more than i planned to.

Last Christmas was probably the worst. I was at a healthy weight and i was working out normally but i was still secretly obsessed and the eating disorder was still there. I remember making a cheesecake but no one was eating it so i felt like i had to eat it. I ate three or four slices along with dinner and lunch and felt incredibly guilty about it. Christmas was at our house, so i figured I'll work out. So i workout out, at Christmas, when my whole family was over. It sounds so bad now that i write it. I know that I'll be incredibly glad when that obsession is gone but.. how long is that going to take?

I'm just glad i have a little bit more freedom now. Sure, the thoughts are still there but I'm doing better. Before, if i ate a small roll that was 100 calories over my daily limit, i would feel like I'd instantly gained 5 pounds and would stand for a long time in the mirror picking out flaws about myself. Compared to then, i guess I've come a long ways. Now, all i need to do is regain balance. Eat healthy, work out everyday, and enjoy the occasional treat. Hopefully I'll get there soon and overcome this.

Healthy Eating

What is healthy eating exactly? My eating is so up and down, I'm not even sure. Lately, I've been feeling that I've been eating really unhealthy. I mean yeah, i eat a lot of fruits and lean cuisines and stuff but i feel like i eat a lot of bad stuff too. But maybe that's just my eating disorder talking. The thing is, when i eat healthy no matter what the portion amount, i feel good about what i ate. If i eat say, a chicken strip basket with fries and a medium chocolate shake, then i don't feel good about what i ate and i feel like i ate way too much.

Back when i was only eating 500 calories a day, i had it in my mind that healthy food wasn't good. I would only eat like a donut and a small candy bar because it would satisfy my cravings and i was only eating so little so i might as well eat what i want right? Well, now i want to eat healthy. And eating healthy doesn't mean depriving yourself of sweets or pizza or something. It means eating it in moderation. So i don't get sick of it. And so i don't feel bad about it.

It's weird, when i list off my favorite foods now and compare it to back then, it's completely different. I used to love chocolate and eat it everyday but now i actually prefer fruit over chocolate! But my all time favorite food is Green tea. I loveee anything green tea. Green tea ice cream, green tea frappuccino's, green tea cake, they even make green tea Kit Kat's! Too bad they only sell them in japan.

When i think about recovery, it seems so hard. So much like a long road ahead that never ends. I did see my nutritionist today though. She said i was looking so much better, i had a smile on my face, and some color to my face too. And when i think about how miserable i used to be, recovery suddenly seems worth it. Weight gain doesn't feel as horrible anymore and life seems great. Getting up every day doesn't feel like a chore anymore, and I love that.

The "fat" model moments

You know the more you know that you can't do something, the more you want to do it? It used to be that way with me and eating. After each meal i would say: i can't wait to eat again! Which is really sad. Now, it's like that with modeling. I keep telling myself: You can't model. Models are super skinny. You might as well give up now. You've never going to get anywhere in the industry looking fat. And now that i think about it, it's probably the ED telling me this. Not myself. But still, every time i think about modeling, i think I'll never be able to do it again because i won't be thin enough. Until i read something that changed my mind. I was reading seventeen magazine when i saw an interview with Tyra Banks. If you don't know who she is, she used to be a runway model and created her own signature walk, she was the first black woman on the cover of sports illustrated, and she created America's next top model. She's basically my role model. I mean, she went from being a supermodel to creating her own talk show and created her own company! Anyway, she was talking about dreams and who inspired her to go after her dreams. She said: "If someone slams the door in your face, go through a window. If the window is locked, go through the back door. If the back door is closed, climb on the roof and find your way in through the attic. There is a way to your goal. Just figure out how to get there".

At that moment i knew, i can be a model! I could be the first normal size model and maybe i could pave the way for other models. Models wouldn't be pressured to be super skinny anymore. They would just be beautiful and average. Young girls wouldn't be pressured to be really thin anymore. That's my new dream. To change how the world thinks.

I know it's a big dream, but i hope one day to accomplish it.

Labor day madness

Labor day. I swear, it's my least favorite holiday. Is it even a holiday? I'm not sure. My parents are fighting (for the first time), my eating disorder is out of control, and i was up at my cabin all weekend.

I like my cabin. I do, it's just.. my eating issues get worse every single time i get up there. There's just so much food up there. It seems like everyone's always snacking and there's always food around to eat. The weekend went pretty well. The only day that was really bad was Saturday.

Donuts are my weakness and they were sitting right there too. So i had one. And i was debating whether or not to have another one and i decided hey, i need to gain weight. The faster i gain weight, the sooner i get permission to work out and the sooner I'm on my own, right? So i grabbed another one and before i started to eat it, my mom grabbed it out of my hands and said, leave some for everyone else! They aren't yours. I don't know why that made me sad, but it did. She said it in front of everyone and it made me feel really fat for some reason. And it REALLY triggered the eating disorder. I immediately started thinking: well if I'm really fat, then I'll skip lunch. Then dinner. Heck, I'll not eat for four days! There. Who's the fat one now?

It's sad how those thoughts appear out of nowhere. In the end, i did end up eating lunch and dinner and eating pretty normally for the weekend but not eat was always in the back of my mind. I'm glad that my mom didn't let me have the donut but i really wish she hadn't of made me feel so bad about it. And she explained later that she didn't want me to feel fat, she just knew i would feel bad about it later if i did eat the donut.

I was really surprised about one thing this weekend though. I realized that every time i go shopping, i don't feel fat anymore. I feel.. like a stick. I know i need to gain weight and I've fully accepted and embraced that now. Now, instead of being afraid of how I'm going to look in clothes I'm excited about the clothes that i get to wear now. Because every time i go shopping, the clothes i want to wear don't fit me. They're too big. Even bracelets. Which is weird because bracelets always fit me before.

At least now that i started recovery, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see my life getting better. And i know that once I'm fully recovered, my life will be amazing. I can't wait.

Crazy thoughts

The other night, i was looking at some old pictures of myself. These are pictures of before i got really sick and restricting and they were taken in April. As i looked at them I thought: am i crazy?! I even looked super skinny there! Why oh why did i start destroying my body?! what's wrong with me? Why didn't i see that? Why do i see that now? why am i so stupid?

I probably weighed 20 pounds more there. And i did look good! But I hate that i didn't see that. That i was so selfish that i wanted to look even thinner when in reality, i didn't need to lose any weight at all.

But one thing that really scares me is what if i don't look like that when i gain all the weight back? What if i gain even more weight and become fat because they'll never let me work out? This I know is the ED thoughts. The What if? thoughts.

The worst part is, i can't seem to get rid of them. No matter how hard i try. They're always in the back of my mind. They're always saying: eat less. please eat less. recovery is stupid. it doesn't matter. give up. I know you're going to.

Stupid ED. I really wish this disease didn't exist. At least I know that when I overcome this, I'll be much stronger. There's nothing stopping me now.