Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Like I said before, I have been struggling lately. I've been eating 1,200 calories a day for a long time. Before it was okay, it was enough to keep me full. Now, my stomach has expanded and it wants more food. I was really hungry yesterday so I really didn't eat much of my dinner. When I'm not properly fed or anything, I really crave sweets. So I had 4 cookies with some frosting. I know that's not a good dinner at all, but I really couldn't help it. I tried to eat my dinner, but it just wasn't doing it. Maybe because it was something I didn't like very much. I'm not sure. But yesterday was definitely not a good day for me.

I've been trying to get myself to eat more but it's hard. The ED always jumps in and says sure. if you work out for 45 minutes. Or it says no, just drink some water. Or do you want to become more fat then you already are? Drink some water. You'll be fine. You don't really need food. I know all of these are lies. But it's hard. It's so hard to separate the eating disorder thoughts from my own. But now, I'm going to do it. I have to think long and hard about each decision I make. When I go for a walk I have to think, does the eating disorder want this? Or do I want it? The same thing is for my weight. I want to gain weight. The eating disorder does not want me to gain weight. And the same is for a cookie. But almost different. I have to think, have will I feel after I eat this cookie? Good? Then I will eat it. If not, then I won't eat it.

I realize now that the eating disorder never ever wanted me to gain weight. Even at my lowest weight. It had a fit when I gained 4 pounds in 11 days. But I needed that. I was really underweight. I still am. But the thing is, I don't want people to be afraid of my body. I don't want people to say oh my god. She's so thin. I want them to say wow. she looks great! I used to want the first one. Not anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that a body gotten with anorexia, isn't a body worth keeping at all.

So what now? Hmm.. well first I need to increase my calories. I already came up with different breakfast ideas that contain more calories. They're healthy, but not the healthiest thing in the world. But honestly I don't care anymore. I want to be able to eat a veggie burger without the ED coming in and saying do you know how many calories that is?! Put it down NOW. Don't eat it. You don't want to be fat, do you? I want to be able to eat frozen yogurt and a veggie burger for dinner without any guilt. I want to be able to eat at a restaurant without panicking. I want to be able to be free. Free from this illness and able to live my life the way that I want to.


  1. Hey Danielle, i think its great that u see and understand the importance of letting go of anorexia, increasing your intake and getting to a healthy weight. It wont be easy and at times u may not want to do what it takes, but just remember that you know whats right for YOU and what will benefit you longterm, just stick with that. Im here to help. fi xx

  2. I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time :( I don't really know what to say... I'm sorry. I know you're strong enough to overcome ED though.

    Also, I'm so, so sorry that my blog posts were so negative and you stopped following me. I never meant to. Thank you for all your kind helpful comments. I will still be reading your blog posts! :)

  3. Love that quote....So many times I act out of fear....I'm afraid to eat this or that because of what MY ED might feel like afterward....etc.

    Like you, I am just so sick of it!

    It sounds like we are both fed up...and ready to just ... idk... eat! Gain weight!

    The hard part is putting that into motion.


  4. Danielle, I've been reading this blog for a while now and I've never commented but I just wanted to say that I think it's so brave of you to write these things for the world to read. Your struggles are relatable to me.

    XO Danielle