Wednesday, October 6, 2010

It's happening again..

I think I was doing pretty good for a while. I didn't work out, listened to my hunger cues as best as I could, ate three meals plus one snack a day and didn't exercise. But now, it seems like everything is taking a turn for the worst and I don't know what to do about it.

I can't really remember when or why I took a step backward and started calorie counting again, but It's happened again. I tried the best I could to stop it, but it's happening again. I taped over the calories of all my food so I couldn't know the number and.. it's not working. Sometimes I get so paranoid I peel back the tape and look at it. The only thing I haven't looked at are my meat replacement chik'n nuggets. I'm not sure why, but it doesn't seem to matter very much.

Another thing I have a problem with is snacking. There's not really any snack food in my house, only when I bake. But I guess I get so hungry, I just snack. Like today. I baked today and ate two cupcakes. One at 11 and the other at 1. I guess the ED thought it was too much, so I skipped my afternoon snack and had a somewhat reasonable dinner. Then the ED started up again, and I supposedly decided to go on a walk. Don't get me wrong I love walk, but that wasn't my idea to go for one. It was the ED's. After the walk, I had two servings of grapes and some tea. Then my dad was having another cupcakes, so I decided to have one too. Immediately I started panicking. Crap, how many calories is in this? I'm so dumb I already ate a lot today. I know! The cupcakes I baked were 300 calories each. I'll just add everything up on the calculator.. 1,210?! What?! I thought I ate more! This is what used to go through my head. Now, it's happening again.

One thing I can do, is buy food at the organic store and have my mom tape over it so I don't even have a chance of looking at it. Maybe even double tape it so I can't look at it at all. Then, I have to plan my meals. I used to think that planning meals was an ED behavior, but it actually isn't. It's useful. It helps me from under eating, worrying about calories, and overeating.

Even though I took a step back, I still have to realize my progress.
-I'm eating more than I used to
-I actually enjoy exercise that isn't extremely grueling and exhausting
-My hollister size 0 jeans don't fit anymore, and I didn't get upset. I got over it within a day
-I'm a vegetarian and it was actually MY decision. I enjoy eating meat replacement things. I care about animals a whole lot, and this is my way of showing it.
-I shop organically now. Before, I was scared because I thought the calories were too high, so I stuck to diet food. Now, I could care less! Plus organic farmers treat their animals better, so I don't feel guilty eating their cheese or milk.
-I actually recognize the ED voice
-I.. like eating

I think these strides in my recovery are great. Now I just have to keep going. I have to realize my mistakes, find a solution, and get over them. I will get over this disease. It is not going to win.


  1. These things happen sometimes. We all take steps backward in recovery. The important thing is to realize it (which you have) and focus your energy into leaping forward. I'm so glad you can recognize the ED voice. And I'm also glad that you can see how far you've come. You've made SUCH progress! You should be so proud of yourself!

    I've never thought about taping over the calories on foods. That's a good idea. I too think I would peel the tape back and peek, though. Could you cross over the calories and things with a permanent black marker maybe?

    Good luck, sweetie. Don't let this derail you. You're doing great!

  2. i think the strides in your recovery are great too! celebrate every little thing - it's all steps towards an overall success, even if some are backwards and some are fwd :)

  3. Slips happen!thats ok, the key is to admit it to yourself and others and then go about making changes to it, it is possible. It is so great to remember all of your achievements so far, keep focusing on them and the other progress you can make, you wont let this beat you :)

  4. Oh that does happen a lot to me too (about taking a step back). ED is a battle, really. I am glad you are doing so well and overcoming your battles with ED!

  5. Aww I'm sorry that you've been having a hard time :( But that's great that you're getting better! And you realize that you're slipping back and that it's bad, which is awesome. Stay strong :) You can totally beat ED!