I think I was doing pretty good for a while. I didn't work out, listened to my hunger cues as best as I could, ate three meals plus one snack a day and didn't exercise. But now, it seems like everything is taking a turn for the worst and I don't know what to do about it.
I can't really remember when or why I took a step backward and started calorie counting again, but It's happened again. I tried the best I could to stop it, but it's happening again. I taped over the calories of all my food so I couldn't know the number and.. it's not working. Sometimes I get so paranoid I peel back the tape and look at it. The only thing I haven't looked at are my meat replacement chik'n nuggets. I'm not sure why, but it doesn't seem to matter very much.
Another thing I have a problem with is snacking. There's not really any snack food in my house, only when I bake. But I guess I get so hungry, I just snack. Like today. I baked today and ate two cupcakes. One at 11 and the other at 1. I guess the ED thought it was too much, so I skipped my afternoon snack and had a somewhat reasonable dinner. Then the ED started up again, and I supposedly decided to go on a walk. Don't get me wrong I love walk, but that wasn't my idea to go for one. It was the ED's. After the walk, I had two servings of grapes and some tea. Then my dad was having another cupcakes, so I decided to have one too. Immediately I started panicking. Crap, how many calories is in this? I'm so dumb I already ate a lot today. I know! The cupcakes I baked were 300 calories each. I'll just add everything up on the calculator.. 1,210?! What?! I thought I ate more! This is what used to go through my head. Now, it's happening again.
One thing I can do, is buy food at the organic store and have my mom tape over it so I don't even have a chance of looking at it. Maybe even double tape it so I can't look at it at all. Then, I have to plan my meals. I used to think that planning meals was an ED behavior, but it actually isn't. It's useful. It helps me from under eating, worrying about calories, and overeating.
Even though I took a step back, I still have to realize my progress.
-I'm eating more than I used to
-I actually enjoy exercise that isn't extremely grueling and exhausting
-My hollister size 0 jeans don't fit anymore, and I didn't get upset. I got over it within a day
-I'm a vegetarian and it was actually MY decision. I enjoy eating meat replacement things. I care about animals a whole lot, and this is my way of showing it.
-I shop organically now. Before, I was scared because I thought the calories were too high, so I stuck to diet food. Now, I could care less! Plus organic farmers treat their animals better, so I don't feel guilty eating their cheese or milk.
-I actually recognize the ED voice
-I.. like eating
I think these strides in my recovery are great. Now I just have to keep going. I have to realize my mistakes, find a solution, and get over them. I will get over this disease. It is not going to win.