I'm home alone all day, so I usually text my mom. Sometimes she doesn't respond and I get even lonelier than before. I have my dog, and the computer, and sometimes I have classes but I don't think it's enough sometimes. Me and my mom got in a fight because I felt lonely.. kind of. I was really really cold today and I looked in the mirror and was afraid. I'm just.. too skinny. So I asked my mom if she could pick up Culver's. Fast food right now is really the only way for me to gain weight. Sorta. It has a lot of calories, so I get less for more. I don't usually over think the calories of it. At home, there's only healthy food. Which I like, but on days where I feel like that, it's good to eat fast food.
She said no and we got in a fight about other stupid stuff and I got really sad. When I'm feeling sad or hopeless and there's no one around me, I think of destructive things to do. Cutting, Running, drinking wayy too much water, bottle of pills.. etc. I know it's so bad, but these moments happen. It's why I should make a list. A list of things to make me feel better when I'm feeling down. I've been forgetting about it, but I'm finally going to make it. I need it. I need a list of little things to cheer me up.
What my mom has to understand though, is that I need someone. I'm home alone all day and if talking to her only for a little bit each day while she's gone making me feel better, then she should do that.
The reason I couldn't get Culver's myself is because... well.. I don't exactly have my permit yet. I know it's so bad but I took the drivers ed class two months ago. And I've been meaning to take the test and then go in for behind the wheel lessons, but I'm scared. Last time I drove, my dad put too much pressure on me to stay behind the line or something and I accidentally drove the other way into a ditch. I probably shouldn't be practicing without a permit but it was up north and no one was around. It wasn't on a highway or popular road and if cars came by, we would drive to a dirt road.
Driving just scares me. I always see car accidents and mean crazy drivers. But, I just need to get over my fear. I need to move on. I need to study for the permit test, actually finally take the test, and get behind the wheel lessons. And by doing this and finally getting my license sometime later, I don't need to wait for my mom to drive me everywhere. I can go places by myself. I can go take a walk in a popular place or go to the mall or go look at new schools. Doing something instead of just sitting at home.
Like I said, I have put thought into a public/private school. But I'm not sure. I think I'm scared because my old school was so bad. One time there was even rumors of a shooting. It never happened but it really could have. At my old school, the people were just awful. They were so mean and snotty. There was chew in the sink, wet paper towels on the wall in the girls bathroom, people skipped class for 15 Min's and then came back high. It was sad. I don't want to be at a school like that. I want to be at a school where I don't look around and feel alone.
I'll keep looking. In the meantime, I have to start looking for jobs. After I get my license. Or before. Wow I have a lot to do.. but being busy is better than being sad.
Isn't it cute? This is definitely going on the happiness list.
I'm sorry you had a tough day. Being alone is the worst, and being bored triggers my ED. Good for you for recognizing that you need to get some calories in you. Don't get too discouraged about the driving - it's taking me a long time to get comfortable out on the roads. You have to move at your own pace. I personally enjoy school - sure there are bad kids, but overall it helps to keep my mind off of the ED thoughts. But you're right - being alone and sad is not good - you need to be happy in the place that you choose. Stay strong! =]
ReplyDeletethat pic is soooo cute!!
ReplyDeleted you are perfectly justified in not wanting to be alone~aside from the ed~people in general dont like being alone for too long!so see if u can make some arrangements to be more social ane hey~im just on the other end of this cmment so feel free to mail me if ur lonely
f
xxxxxx
I'm an introvert by nature. However, I do get lonely. It's not from not socializing "enough", but I get that way because I don't feel I am able to share my feelings with others. Even in a company with others, I do find myself feeling lonely, and it is a very common feeling among people with ED. Keep your chin up.
ReplyDelete*HUG*
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had a tough day, Danielle!! I struggle similarly with being alone- I too need to be busy and have a lot of stimulation to feel happy and productive. I love your idea of making a list of things that make you happy- then when you're upset, you don't have to think of things in the moment (which is so hard to do!), you can just pull out your list and you'll have ideas right there.
I'm sorry that your old school was so awful- it makes sense that you would be apprehensive to go to a private or public school after your experience, but it doesn't hurt to check a few out. I know that especially if you go to private school, you are much less likely to have to deal with that type of thing. If you find a small one, too, you can integrate yourself socially again without having to worry about it being too overwhelming. Just my thoughts!
Driving is a big step- don't get down on yourself for being scared. I think it's awesome though that you want to face your fears! Studying for the permit test is another way to keep busy, too.
Stay strong and take care of yourself, Danielle! <3 I will be thinking of you!