Weight gain? No thanks!

My therapist says that as I get towards a healthier weight, then I'll have a healthier mindset too. Well.. It doesn't look that way. I remember last year when I was at a healthier weight and I wasn't happy. I told my therapist that and she said maybe it wasn't that I was unhappy at that weight, but something else was going on at that time. Not really. It always seems like my therapist over analyzes things but maybe that's her job? I'm not sure. I remember being completely miserable at a healthier weight. I remember just before I went on vacation last year I was clothes shopping. I'd just started a healthier diet and had lost some weight. I tried on a size whatever shorts and they were too small. This upset me. I wasn't happy and I think that was when the ED started up again. So I guess if I really think about it, I might of been happier at a heavier weight. But the thing is, I've been small for a long time. It's so hard to change. I don't like change. It sorta sucks.

Another reason I want to be small is for modeling. Modeling is my dream right now and they won't want me to be at a heavier size. If they tell me to gain weight, then I will. Sounds stupid, but it's true. I'm not sure why I would want to listen to them more than my own mom and my therapist & dietitian. Maybe because I feel like they're the boss. The agencies and designers are. What they say, goes.

I met with my dietitian on Monday night and she said that I'd lost a pound. I wasn't really that disappointed, just really surprised. I'm not trying to lose weight at all. I blamed the bike ride on the weight loss at first but she said it was probably just the amount of increased exercise. But I haven't really been exercising? I've decreased the amount of walks I've been taking and the amount of water I drink each day. But no matter how many good changes I seem to make, they're not good enough unless I gain 1/2 a pound or a pound.

My meals have really changed. I used to only eat just a microwavable diet meals like smart ones or lean cuisine for lunch or dinner but now I build my own meals. I put into consideration the amount of food groups I'm supposed to have a day and end up having at least 5 different food groups for lunch. My dietitian seems to like that more but it still doesn't seem good enough.

I also met with my therapist yesterday and we (finally) talked about body image. I told her what I've been seeing and feeling lately and she said not to trust mirrors. She said the longer you stare at something, the bigger it gets. And she asked me if I saw the pound loss when I looked in the mirror. And it's weird, I didn't see the weight loss at all. I thought I'd gained at least a pound. She also said that I can't gain 10 pounds in a week. It will actually take me months to get there. That was sort of a relief to me so I'm a little less worried about that.

So what do I need to work on? Increasing calories, Really really trying to ignore the ED voice instead of just listening to it. And try to make a good impression on the new modeling agency I'm going to today. The top agency I visited a few weeks ago still hasn't called us yet. This new one, called us and actually asked us to come see them! I've never heard of this agency before so we'll see if they're legit or not. But I really hope they are because I really want to get a job.