Sunday, October 3, 2010

Struggles in shopping

Warning: long post, feel free not to read.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I actually went shopping for jeans. And the weird part is, I didn't feel bad about it. Maybe that's because when I went to Express, I guess their jean sizes are messed up because I was still a zero. And it was still somewhat baggy on me. Weird.. I didn't lose weight? I guess I have to remind myself that every store is different but still.. why do i feel a small sense of accomplishment from this?

I'm glad that today was a good day of shopping for me (even though the outfit i bought was expensive) but it usually doesn't go this way. See, i usually have a lot of difficulty finding jeans. My hips are a bigger than my legs so the waist is often tighter than the legs are and it usually makes me feel fat. But I have to realize that, that's just the way I was made. I have to be thankful for the things god gave me instead of trying to get rid of them. Every time I try on jeans and they don't fit quite right I think of ways I can work on my waist and make them even with my legs. But again, I shouldn't do that. This is just the way I was made and I should appreciate what I have.

One thing I've realized is that I hate eating out. Me and my mom went to see a movie today and she got a pretzel.. while i brought mini oranges to a movie theater. Yup. While I see this as a better choice, I also think: am I depriving myself? I didn't eat very well today, so I think so. My lunch, shouldn't of even have been considered a snack it was so small. I should of had a better lunch, but that bring me to another issue of mine.

I.. don't like spending money on food. Whenever my mom goes to the grocery store, i feel bad because I feel like she's spending a ton of money. But why don't I feel this way when we buy clothes? When we buy clothes, I don't feel this way. Maybe because clothes get a lot of use out of them and food you can only eat once, depending on how much of one thing you buy. Anyway, when she buys the food, I almost don't want to eat it because I want to save it and make it last so we don't have to go shopping in a long time. I know this is dumb to think this way because I'm usually not the only one eating them.

Which is why when I got home, I ate whole wheat waffles instead of a proper dinner and a small slice of cheesecake. And then i still somehow felt hungry so i ate a cinnamon bar. I hate the guilt of "eating too much". It really sucks. I felt so guilty I jogged in place and ran back and forth.

I know I shouldn't feel this way because I probably ate a normal amount like other people eat (or less). I just want to overcome this disease. I don't want it to take over my life or other person's lives for that matter. I want this disease to not exist anymore and for that to happen, I have to overcome this disease before I start helping other people.


  1. Shopping has always been very difficult for me, and I tend to fixate on a specific size or buy something that I want to fit into to "one day". More recently I have been trying to shop a little for things that I feel confident in.

    I'm sorry that you're struggling with guilt and eating. It's all a part of the lies that ED tells us. Hope you have a good day. =]


  2. I hate and love shopping for clothes. I love the fact that my shirt size remains the same from when I was in high school, and I hate how my pants size is always changing (UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN). I am glad you wrote about this because I do feel like I am weird for feeling this way.

  3. Hi Danielle! Thanks for leaving comments on my blog. Brioche is bread but with more lots more butter in it.

    My advise would be to eat small meals within the day. If you feel you overeat say lunch, then have a light dinner. Just don't deprive yourself with any kind of food imo. Eat in moderation would be the key. I eat chocolate everyday for that matter and my weight has been constant for many years but of course i eat everything in moderation as well.