The future

This year, has probably been one of the hardest years of my life. It started off okay, then gradually got worse and worse as my eating got worse and I isolated myself even more, but now, I think it may finally be starting to get better.

I have decided to go back to a public school. Not my awful previous school, but a brand new one, by my mom's work a half hour away from home. I like the idea of it, a fresh start. I'm going crazy being locked up in the house all the time. I can't live like this anymore. It's going to be a little scary to start a new school, but I gotta do it. Once this semester of my online school is over, I'm starting a new school.

At first I wanted to go back to my old school, but then I realized that was a lie. My friends, are not real friends. Yeah I'll still talk to them, but they're just not there for me. C gossips like there's no tomorrow, and J is still in denial struggling with her eating disorder.. and she's usually not there for me. When she is there for me, its usually only for a week, then the next week I don't hear from her. Oh well, just best not to dwell on it. It just wasn't meant to be. I hope they're happier in the future.

I finally met with a physical therapist, and I learned a lot. I learned how the body works, and how when I was only eating 500 calories a day, I was only feeding one part of my body. No wonder I was close to dying! It made me feel a lot better about eating. She said still no cardio, but a 30 minute walk once a week won't hurt. I'll need permission from my doctor though. She did say I could do yoga and pilates! I did an abs pilates tonight.. I did it before, and it's hard! But I wasn't thinking about the calories burned, I was thinking about my form in pilates, and stuff like that. I kinda liked that(: I can't wait for the snow to melt so I can start running outside.. I miss running!

I also met with a psychiatrist. The bad part is.. I have depression. But I already knew that. The good news is, she prescribed me with depression meds. I kinda feel a little more hopeful knowing things might get better.

I forgot to mention, last night me & my mom stayed at a hotel too! See, the roads are super bad, and there was ice storms in the forecast for when I was supposed to go to the clinic an hour away, so we just decided to stay at a hotel by there. It was so nice! We ate at the restaurant, and I ate soo much! For me anyway, my stomach is probably the size of a small pea right now.. oh well, I need food(: I skipped breakfast, and had a super tiny lunch. From now on, I'll make sure my meals are planned. My mom is helping me too, she's gonna premake my lunches and arrange them in the fridge or write them down on paper and set them on the kitchen table.

I have learned so much in the past year. I'm so much stronger. And smarter. I finally have the knowledge to beat this. I know that I need food to live, to function. Without food, I can't even put my makeup on! I have difficulty breathing. I'm "high" and numb. I can't really live life without food. Gaining weight is going to be scary, but I'm gonna do it. I want my strong body back. I want to run again! I want to fully live again. Now, I'm on my way getting there.


Oh one more thing! This video is really cool(: I saw it a few days ago, and I love the message of it.



Have a great night everyone! And happy new years!(:

Calorie Counting, something that needs to be gone

I've struggled with calorie counting for months now. Because with an eating disorder, gradually comes calorie counting. At my worst moments, I count every single thing that enters my mouth. One pita chip. A bite of a cupcake. Gum. Everything is added up and memorized for the end of the day total.

Now is realize, calorie counting is a load of crap. Why do we count our food? Why? Some of us are food conscious, wanting to lose or gain weight. Sometimes with me it's like an OCD thing. I used to double and triple check the "total" at the end of each day.

But in the end, was I happy with calorie counting? Of course not!! 100 calories over my desired amount, and I'm dubbed a failure.

This is why, I'm wanting to try intuitive eating. I know it's not really something other people think I should try just yet, but it feels right. Last night, I felt like eating what my mom was making for dinner (cheese filled pasta shells with a pasta sauce and a salad) then eat a coffee cup full of frozen yogurt with ff reddi whip and white chocolate chips on top. At first, Ed kept telling me- do you KNOW how many calories are in that pasta? Look on the back? I looked. So? It's not that much. Ed-well, still. Pasta is off limits! Me- Haha maybe to you, but not to me! And I ate it. It was really good! I may not like spaghetti anymore, but I still like other types of pasta. My fear of pasta is gone:D Yay olive garden! There's this breaded lasagna I've been wanting to get for months, it's my favorite thing on the menu & it's an appetizer, so now I can finally get it!

So, calorie counting only leads to bad things. It leads to me starving myself.. and my grandpa and dog telling me to eat!

See, my grandpa passed away about 4 years ago. I was really sad for a long time, but eventually I just accepted it. Then, I forgot about him. But starting about a month ago, I've been starting to smell random food. Subway, Pizza hut, stuff like that just in the air, around me. When that usually happens, I'm usually very hungry and have skipped a meal and am home alone. No one in the neighborhood is cooking something like that, so I figured it must be my grandpa! He loved food, and I think he wants me to eat. To cure my relationship with food. My dog plays a part in that too.

Yesterday, I didn't know what to have for breakfast so I got a bowl of cinnamon sugar pita chips. I knew they were high calorie, and I was home alone and worried, so I called my dog over. I was on the couch, and put some chips out for her to eat, to share them with me. I'll never forget the look she gave me. It was kinda like- this is your medicine. Eat it. Please, I can't eat that. It was so weird! It took me 5 minutes of me convincing her to eat it that she finally did.

I also did end up talking with my mom, and she said that she felt helpless in trying to help me. I never knew that! So I told her that we had to work together, and that I need her help, but I can't have her controlling everything I eat.

Everything is finally starting to look better(: I just have to keep working at this, and not give up. I think I would rather weigh a litte more and be free, then be sickly skinny and miserable anyway.

I love my dog

Last night, was probably better eating wise than Sunday because Sunday, I went to bed hungry and ate way below my usual amount.

I'm not really sure why eating was so hard on Sunday, but it just was. I couldn't stand to eat anything, and my mom didn't really help me much at all. I want her to care, but I don't want her to control me either.. if she can't find a balance then I'll have to just try to take care of myself. I'm on my way there at least!

Yesterday, was okay. For dinner we ate out like we usually do at night (we're trying to stop) and I had a baked potato w/ broccoli, herbs, and cottage cheese. It was delicious! And I had fries and a smoothie with it too. I thought for once it was pretty balanced, I was kinda proud of myself(: And that I allowed myself to have fast food fries. I haven't had those in months!

When we got home, I watched some Degrassi and then went on Facebook. But something on there triggered me.. I'm not sure, I just kept comparing myself to some of my friends. Saying they were much much thinner and prettier than me. So I felt horrible and didn't even want to go to bed.

I always get really depressed at bedtime anyway, so with this hanging over my head I felt awful. I really wanted to talk to my mom and try to feel better, but she just kept saying go to bed over and over again, so I just went and cried by myself.

After she finally came to find me 20 minutes later, I was still really sad. But, my dog made me feel so much better! She kept trying to lick me and sit by me, and she wouldn't stop licking me until I felt better and stopped crying. If I stopped crying and then started again, she tried again too! There's no way feeling sad around her, she just doesn't let you!

So, I'm really thankful for my dog. Even if I have to fight by myself, this is one battle that I'll win.

Christmas

Christmas, wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My normally crazy family, was actually somewhat normal this time(: My aunt is getting a divorce and she usually starts drama, but this time she was very happy! And she wasn't pretending either. And my grandma! She was soo happy:D Usually she complains a lot and talks to people about her health problems but she didn't say a word about them all night! I was so happy for her(: I missed that grandma, I feel like I haven't seen that side of her in a long time.

Eating at my uncles house, actually went okay. I did skip breakfast that day which helped relieve my anxiety a bit, and I ate pretty balanced there too. I did drink an awful lot of diet coke and powerrade zero, but I didn't feel guilty about food the whole night.

The only problem that night was, I didn't want to open my presents along with everyone else. We went in order from youngest to oldest, each person being on display and 5 different people taking pictures of that person. Everyone kept bugging me to open them, but I just ended up opening them up when everyone was playing games. It's not that I was being snotty or anything, I just didn't want to be on display for everyone. I'm not sure why I'm okay with that with my dads side of the family.. maybe because I feel more comfortable with them. On my moms side I almost don't feel as accepted. Like I have to watch what I do or say.. I feel kinda judged with them. Oh well. It was all okay in the end(: I spend most of my time there playing games & playing with the dog.

Christmas day, actually went okay too(: I spent most of the day opening presents, but my favorite part was when my dog opened her presents! She's so funny(: After that, I curled my hair & got ready to go out, and me and my mom went searching for restaurants (my dad was too lazy to get off the couch..). We ended up going to Denny's and I was so happy because they actually have a veggie burger on the menu now!:D Yayy! It was okay, but I was still happy that they had something different. After that we saw Little Fockers(: It was soo funny!

The only bad part about Christmas this year was that I wasn't very excited. I was mostly worried about food and weight and such. But I'm getting two more people added to my treatment team on Wednesday & Thursday so I will get more help(: My family will get help with finding a balance of help and control. I can't have them not caring what I eat (like today!) but I also can't have them control every thing that enters my mouth & not giving me any encouragement about eating.

It will all get better eventually. God is on my side, he will help me out of this<3(:

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This is my aunts dog that I was taking care of last Monday(: She's soo cute! She never really leaves your side which can get kind of annoying, but she's still fun.

This is me in my Express Christmas outfit(: I was kinda afraid to post pictures of myself at first because I didn't want to trigger anyone or anything like that but I want to finallyy post pictures. I'm not really afraid anymore.


My cute Christmas tree:D



My backyard! Look at all the snow!



I finally curled my hair with my new no clip curling iron(:



I think this is my new favorite song, I listen to it whenever I'm sad and it always cheers me up.



Have a great night everyone! I hope you all had a great Christmas!(:

Everything always works out in the end

Rawrrr. I was so freaking angry today. I think today was one of the worst days ever.

See, I told you all that the maudsley approach was the treatment that I was doing (not by choice) well today, my mom decided to stay home with me since I usually get pretty lonely and sad and depressed.

Yesterday, we got in another fight, and I was really sad so she decided to stay home with me half the day today. I felt like such a failure from the night before because I'd skipped lunch, ate dinner, then eaten a few sweets after dinner. I was at my usual amount of cals at the end of the day, so I'm not sure why I felt like such a failure. Probably because I'd not listened to the ED when I was apparently supposed to. or maybe because I felt out of control? I was supposed to restrict because of the holidays, but I'm slowly realizing that I don't really want to.

Anyway, when I woke up today I felt so bad, so.. fat. So when my mom asked me what I want for breakfast, I said nothing. So she made me something she thought I liked, but I really hated. I did not want to eat what she made me at all. So I picked it apart, and threw the main parts of the meal away and ate very little. She got kinda mad, and said that we would not leave until I ate the breakfast.

I isolated myself and tried to calm down while she was making lunch. I got to the table at lunch time, and she had made a huge lunch. I had no idea why she did that because I had struggled so much at breakfast, and just seeing it made me sick. So I ate almost everything she made, except the sandwich. I'll admit, the sandwich was scary. It had two of my fear foods on it, avocado and oatmeal bread. I ate 1/4 of it, and she said I had to finish the whole sandwich. We got in another fight.

My dad got home and my mom told him what happened, and she left for work. Then, me and my dad got in another fight about eating. I was so worn out about fighting and crying, I took a 3 hour nap.

Then dinner came around, and me and my dad got into another fight. I locked myself in my room and actually started packing my bags. I was so tired of crying and I just wanted to go to my grandmas house because she doesn't even really know I have an ED. And I never fight with her.

So, my dad broke in my room and he actually started crying too. After actually seeing my dad cry, we got things straightened out about 2 hours later when my mom got home. Well.. after more fighting and tears on my end.

We decided to make a meal plan, to write down what I eat the day before. I can mostly decide what to eat for breakfast & lunch (but they supervise) and they decide what to eat for dinner. I like that plan, that way they aren't making things I don't really like. And when we write it down, we can make sure I have all the food groups that I need.

So in the end, everything does truly work out. I got the support that I needed, I got everything fixed with my nutritionist, & I'm getting two more people added to my treatment team. A physical therapist to figure out exercise and a psychiatrist to help me deal with the weight gain and not feeling fat when I get to a normal weight and stuff like that. And, I'm baking a tonn tomorrow, so that was for sure be fun(: Everything will be okay. I have to work hard to beat this, but everything will work out in the end.

Holidays and Eating Disorders

The holidays are always a really hard time for me. I'm a natural people pleaser, so I always care a lot what people think of me. This, is usually how it's gone the past year.

I'm dangerously underweight in the summer, no one says anything except a little cousin. Then comes winter and there's a 25 lb difference. Still, no one says anything. Do they notice? Well, probably. But even if they still don't say anything, seeing people I haven't seen in a long time makes me so nervous. I feel like I have to restrict days prior to almost like, cope with it.

I guess I almost got lucky this year, because it's going to be mostly kids at Christmas eve this year. Mostly because of family drama, which I guess isn't that lucky, but still.

I'm trying to shake the feeling that I don't have to restrict because no one will probably be commenting on my weight, but I'm still really worried. I know I can't get "fat" from the amount I'm eating (but it's still right for me. I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full) but the worry just keeps on coming. There are so many times when I say- I wish I never had an eating disorder but how will that help anything?

I really want to get off this stupid roller coaster. One day I'm so positive and happy, and the next day the eating disorder is really hard and I'm depressed once again.

Another thing I'm worried about, is eating at the clinic today. I wasn't worried at first, but now I kinda am. We're having spaghetti and I haven't had that in months (not counting the smart ones spaghetti). It's a huge fear food for me. And, I honestly don't crave it very much. I guess, I don't crave food right now. I know that's the ED doing that, but the only thing I usually want is breakfast. That's the easiest meal of the day.

Ugh, sorry this was such a downer post. I should look on the positive side of things now. I got presents wrapped, my aunts dog is leaving soon (I had to watch her for the day yesterday.. she's just.. I'll write about her later), Christmas is on Saturday, and I'm baking all day Thursday with C and hopefully I'll get to make truffles. And my mom has most of next week off, so hopefully we can volunteer somewhere.

It will get better. Maybe if I keep saying that, it will actually start to happen.

It's beginning to feel a lott like Christmass(:

It's FINALLY starting to feel like Christmas. I'm so glad. And I'm so happy(: for now anyway, I really hope that it lasts. This may be a quick post but who knows, I talk a lot(;

I think I'm starting to feel happier because I'm getting out a lot more. If I just stay locked up in the house for days, of course I'm going to get depressed. I'm not talking to anyone or really doing anything.

I have been going for a few walks lately. They're so much fun(: I usually don't go for very long, and I have to bundle up a lot, but they're still fun. I usually go with my dad and my dog and have a latte afterwards. The chai tea latte from Dunn bros is my new favorite.

I also went Christmas shopping alll day today. I got my mom these yummy truffles from See's candy, and some fuzzy socks. They're soo soft!

I got my dog a tonn. I love my dog(: She makes me happy so I got her a lot. I got her a cute pink coat, 2 toys, some new chewies, and some gourmet treats that she loves. I'll post pictures of her in the coat later(:

I think it's starting to feel like Christmas again because my mom put up a cute Christmas tree in the living room and put presents under it. I already opened one, it was an outfit from express:D I love express, I already know the shoes I'm going to wear with it also. I'll post pictures of the Christmas tree & my Christmas express outfit sometime later.

So this weekend has been really fun. I saw the movie how do you know yesterday at like 9:30 pm and it kinda sucked, but I liked going out late. I also ate at this cute buffet style restaurant called Q.cumbers and it was so good! My fear of eating out no longer exists. I don't want to limit myself, so I've ate out a lot lately. And surprisingly, every time I go out my portions aren't huge, they're pretty normal sized. I'm glad that I'm able to eat out without worrying again(: I missed eating out and not restricting the day after.

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I almost forget these this week! Good thing I remembered(:

I lovee frozen yogurt(: I really like the soft serve kind, but this is the next best thing.

This tastes amazing with white chocolate chips or yogurt chips

My mom made this salad for me a few days ago(: It's soo good! It's basically just cheddar cheese, apples, and lettuce. I haven't found a dressing I like yet. I kinda like french, so maybe I'll try that next time.



This was the cutest movie ever. I know that I say that a lot, but it really is. The guy is like, totally perfect(: People called him a nerd throughout the movie, but he's soo not. Another great John Hughes movie.

This is probably my favorite naked juice. It's fruit andd vegetables. I love it.

And lastly, my favorite quote of the week(:



Have a great night everyone!

I will never be as bad as I used to be

I've had so many thoughts about my past lately. Maybe because I'm really depressed all the time, but I just keep remembering them.

I used to always think about my old friends, but now that I talked to them again and know that it may not work out between them, I don't think about that at all anymore because I no longer miss them.

I've really been thinking about one time in particular.

I was at my cabin, it was July. It was deep in my eating disorder. I was only eating less than 500 calories a day. My body looked like a 10 year olds. But, I remember that I wanted to recover, but something was pulling me back. I now know that was my eating disorder, but I was so torn and lost at the moment, I had no idea.

I decided to bake at the cabin, and when I always bake, I eat. I baked sugar cookie bars and these s'mores bars. I decided to only eat one of each, but that didn't happen.

What happened was, I baked the sugar cookie bars, and ate a ton of mini chocolate cookies along the way, along with some frosting, and 1 sugar cookie bar when they were done. To a normal person, they probably wouldn't feel that full, but to me I felt awful. So I did what I always do when I feel bad about what I ate, I drank tons of water. I was even more full after that, and I still felt awful so I took a nap.

The rest of the day, only kept getting worse. I kept eating more and more and cooking, and I felt so bad about it. I vowed not the eat the next day.

After dinner that day, I was still extremely guilty, so I jumped in the lake by our cabin and started swimming, to burn calories. I was still really full too, so I didn't swim much. But it felt good to exercise, I almost got a high from it in a way.

The next day came around, and all the food was still there. I was so tempted by it. So I drank water and skipped breakfast. But I started getting hungry, so I started eating. I couldn't stop, so I came up with a "plan".

I took a lot of sweets downstairs into the bathroom, and started chewing and spitting. I was eating some too, which I felt bad about so I tried to throw up. It didn't work. So I begged my mom to go swimming, and I started swimming again, even more than before. That was probably the worst weekend of my life.

I'm not sure why I keep remembering that. I always think about it almost every day. Maybe I was close to happy then, but I don't think so. I just remember that being one of the worst times of my eating disorder. I remember another really bad time, but I'll write about that later.

I have been trying to find ways to make me happy, but I'll write about that later too. This post was mainly to vent. Maybe I'll finally start to forget that bad weekend now.

But we always have to remember, we can't be jealous of those thinner than us. Because in reality, we're jealous of their illness, not of them.

Anger.

FML, FML, FML, FML, FML.

I feel like screaming right now. And throwing things. Violent much? .. I guess. I'm so mad right now. And sad. I have mixed emotions I guess.

I was excited to go to the clinic tonight because 1. I get out of the house & 2. I get help from my eating disorder.

Well.. that didn't seem to improve my mood. I was in a good mood until I got there. See my therapist, is super nice and understanding. But she doesn't help me deal with the feelings of eating more. I guess I can deal with them myself, but I'm still mad. But not really about that. She was happy that I started eating more and we're going to have a "family dinner" at the clinic next week & she's going to observe it.

We're going to have spaghetti.. which I pretty much hate. Or, well I guess the ED made me hate it. I'm more open to eating it now, but not with garlic bread. The ED sees that as a pound of fat that's just going to cling to me forever. Not really, but I still feel.. I don't know.

Anyway, after that I met with my doctor there. She said that I'd lost weight probably because my metabolism had gone up from eating more, and that I shouldn't work out. Even after I told her my workout plan, and even after I diminished it to walking with my dog for 20 minutes, she said no working out.

After that, I met with my dietitian. That's what got me angry. And sad. I felt like, attacked the whole time. She pretty much threw my vegetarianism out the window and said I should start eating meat again for protein. Then, she told me no more diet snacks (even though I don't purposely buy sugar free pudding.. that double chocolate kind is the kind I like, and it just happens to be sugar free), then she told me to have a snack after breakfast, after lunch, and after dinner. Even if I was still really full. So I told her maybe I could try some soy pudding and she said that would probably be good but then I should stop clinging to organic foods(she didn't exactly say that, but it was like that).

So, the night did not go well. The dietitian even told my mom that she should start eating meat again to like, help me start eating it! No. Thanks. I was so mad and frustrated. I was so sad too because she was not nice to me the whole session. She rarely smiled at all, I felt like she was lecturing me. I mean, she's a nice person but I don't know what happened. I feel like I almost did something wrong like I usually do.

I always feel like I'm the one that did something wrong. Me, J, and C hung out again on Thursday, but they haven't talked to me much since. I feel so stupid. Why don't they like me? We had so much fun & we laughed the whole time we hung out. When are people ever going to care?

I guess, I just have to do things my way. I'm not going to live for someone else, I'm living for ME. I'm gonna eat the way I want to eat. Not the way my mom wants me too, not the way my "team" wants me to, and especially not the way my eating disorder wants me too. From now on, I come first. Not my eating disorder. Not other people. I am so done people pleasing and eating disorder pleasing. It's time I start getting MY life back.

To start doing that, I'm going to start volunteering. At animal shelters and stuff like that. I'm going to try to find people that love and care about me. And I'm going to start going for peaceful walks with my dog again. Because I want to. If my ED wants to go for a walk, then I will eat something and not exercise at all that day. Because I'm living for myself now.

Hope

I've been feeling really hopeless the past few days. The ED monster has been really hard.

I haven't been able to get away from him.

Until now.

I was watching multiple videos on YouTube about anorexia hope. I couldn't find any good ones, so I decided to create my own hope.

I went to the mirror, and started taking pictures. Ed planned to take over. But what really happened, was I saw myself. It was like seeing myself for the first time. The girl I saw in the mirror didn't look at all what I usually see. She was sickly skinny. She looked sad.

I'm going to keep those pictures, whenever Ed feels like lying to me. Whenever I'm having a hopeless day, to prove that I'm not what he says I am.

Also, I'm going to get a gym membership. Nooo, not to lose weight. I made a promise to myself. Only workout for 20 minutes. Don't workout if I feel fat. Or if I feel like I ate too much. I don't want working out to be a cover up for what I'm really feeling. I want it to be motivation for me to get healthy. I don't push myself when I'm working out. I can't, my body can't handle it.

I'm also, not going to rely on calories anymore. An 800 calorie sandwich, is not going to kill me. It's going to make me healthy. And it wouldn't hurt me to eat one of these either.

I actually eat one every day for breakfast. With soy milk(:

And, I'm going to change this blog name to Beating Ed. Because that's what I'm going to do.

Everyone has hope inside them. All you have to do is go to the light. It will help you get out of this horrible place. You CAN recover. All you need is a little hope, and people to guide you to it.

And always remember this.

<3 Have a great night everyone!

Shopping with Ed

Today, I decided to go shopping. I needed to get out of the house, and I also needed to buy bigger clothes. I was really excited about shopping.. until Ed decided to make a surprise visit.

I didn't feel like wearing jeans today, so I just wear some leggings with a long sweater, a tank top, and black flats. But when I got to the mall, I felt reallyy insecure. Everyone seemed so much more stylish than me, so much more thinner and prettier than me. And Ed just kept making it worse. He kept whispering in my ear- look, she's sooo much thinner than you. And prettier. I bet she's not in recovery. You shouldn't be either. Remember how fun it used to be when you would under eat and go shopping? Me: yeah? Well now you totally ruined the fun because you already ate what you normally would in one day. Me:Well, so? Shopping can still be fun.. No it won't and you know it. Don't eat dinner tonight. And skip that latte you were going to get Starbucks too. You're getting too fat and your legs are looking fatter than usual.

So, Ed was being a pain in the butt today. I didn't buy anything shopping and came back home pretty sad and frustrated. My mom tried to make me feel better by telling me no, my legs were definitely not fat and I was probably one of the thinnest girls at the mall. I told her that was a total lie, and we didn't talk the rest of the way home.

I'm not sure what to do now. I wish that I could work out, like work out some frustrations. I loved when me and my mom had a gym membership. I would meet up with friends, work out, then we would go swimming or go in the hot tub. It was fun, I really liked going to the gym. It wasn't really a place of torture, it was really fun and I always loved going there. But now whenever I bring up a gym membership, my mom says no working out until I'm healthy. Which is NOT going to happen. I can't really watch a movie or knit or something. The only thing that seems to cheer me up is my dog.

My dog is pretty amazing. I love her to death, she always knows when I'm upset. Like whenever I'm trying to work out when I'm not supposed to, I take a break and she holds me down and sits by me. Or if I'm trying to do sit ups in my room, she hides under my bed and whenever I go down or take a break, she licks me and tries to make me laugh. She's smarter than a lot of people think, and I'm glad to have her in my life. Hopefully she'll cheer me up tonight.

So, I guess I might try to have dinner, but I'm not sure. All I want to do is play with my dog, then watch desperate housewives with a bowl of frozen yogurt.

So Ed, there will be a time where you will not make me feel worthless and bad about myself everyday. I'm going to win this thing, and one day you will be out of my life forever.

I will never be fat

The ED has told me many lies, but the biggest one was that I'm going to be fat or I was fat a few years ago. That is a complete lie. I was downstairs yesterday watching TV when a slide show popped up on my mom's computer. It was from about 3 years ago and it was when we went on vacation to Florida. As I looked at the pictures, I realized something. I was never fat. At all. I don't gain weight in one area, I just gain it all over. The picture made me realize what a lier Ed was. It was kinda sad. I've had this fear of getting fat for months and months, but that's never going to happen.

Even if I do start eating when I want again (which I am. but sometimes someone else influences that) I will never become fat. Even if I never work out, I will not be fat. I will always be small and it's time that I start realizing that. Yes my weight will go up and I won't be bony and anorexic anymore, but I'll never be fat. It's not in my genes, and it's just not possible. So Ed, you can shove your lies up your butt and leave me alone. I don't want you in my life anymore, nor do I need you.

But, one problem that I'm dealing with is other people. J, like I mentioned before, is like me. She's very tall (taller than me) and very very skinny. I'm just afraid when I start gaining weight, she's going to stay the same and I won't feel good around her. Or is that another lie, Ed? What should I do? I want to help her, but I have to help myself first. I know she's struggling because she doesn't eat much of a breakfast or lunch but I'm not sure what to do. She never makes it clear that she is struggling, but I can see that she is.

Hopefully, I'll get everything sorted out soon. I'm going shopping soon for backup clothes or bigger clothes in the next size up, I'm hopefully going to start working out soon and I might even start cooking more. I'm so glad that I have this new freedom with cooking/baking too. Before, I was a huge calorie counter and counted every single thing that entered my mouth. Now, I could really care less. Yes, I do have a number in my head that I'm striving towards, but I'm trying to forget about numbers all together.

So Ed, I'm strong and I will beat you. You'll see. I won't have an eating disorder for long.

Day by Day

Yesterday, was a really hard day for me. I got up, ate breakfast with my mom at 9 and then at 11:30 I started getting hungry. So I put a Amy's Vegan Wrap in the oven and took a shower. After I got out, I had to figure out what to eat with the wrap.

I started panicking. I had no idea what to eat with the wrap. So I got out 4 strawberries. No big deal. Then I ate a handful of white chocolate chips and two spoonfuls of ice cream. Still, no big deal right? I went downstairs to eat, then came back upstairs and hour later and realized I wanted a cliff bar. I panicked for about a half hour, deciding to eat that cliff bar. So I ate it, with another handful of white chocolate chips.

Then, things took a turn for the worst. I began adding up the calories and I was already in the triple digits. Something I usually don't get to until the end of the day. I started pacing back and forth, then walking across one side of my house to the other. Then I turning on the radio and started running. Then a little boxing.

It wasn't a long time, only 22 minutes and I took breaks in between each one but I shouldn't have been working out at all! I started drinking a ton of liquids after that, to almost wash everything out and decided not to eat dinner.

Well 6:00 rolls around, and my parents start making dinner. I get so afraid and try to think of every possible excuse not to eat. Push the food around the plate, drink water first, etc. But when I got to the table, I was surprised that I wanted to eat. I was really hungry. So I ate a good dinner, then a pudding snack. And I was actually proud of myself. I was really full, and it was okay. I didn't feel fat.

So, I've decided to come up with a new plan for myself. No more triple digit calories a day. Nope. I'm gonna eat what a normal person my age would eat. (okay, maybe a little less. Depends on the person I guess). I'm going to work hard at recovery. I'm going to buy bigger clothes, and be scared at first, but I'll get used to it.

I actually really like this new food freedom. I can almost eat whatever I want. It feels so freeing. Yeah, I'll still do the workouts today but to be honest it gives me a lot less anxiety about eating. I'm not going to work out to certain extremes, I'll just do a small amount. Just an amount that isn't too high and one that relieves my anxiety about calories.

I will recover from this. But, I will not be trying to undereat again. Nope. That is not possible in recovery. I will work out, but like I said, only small amounts. I actually like working out. It feels good. I want my fit body back, not a bony one. I don't want people to look at me and question if I have anorexia. I want to be a good example for other girls. I don't want to have an eating disorder anymore. Hopefully, I will be free one day.

You are NOT your eating disorder

Today, I went to the clinic and met with my doctor, therapist, and dietitian for the first time. At first, it was the scariest thing ever. The dietitian explained to me that they will be using The Maudsley Approach. Basically, my parents (mainly my mom because my dad is just.. blah) would be in charge of all of my meals. They would eat with me, and they would make my food for me, until I got to stage two of the program, then the control would be handed back to me. NOT my eating disorder. If I would to lose any weight when they handed the control to me, the control would once again go back to my parents.

First, I was terrified. I wanted to throw up multiple times and become bulimic. That way, they would never know. I would still remain skinny. Was this my idea? No, now I realize this was definitely not my idea. I hate throwing up. It scares me to death. But handing the control over to my mom would be even scarier, honestly I trust my eating disorder more. Because I'm afraid of being "fat" like I was on the family cruise all those months ago. I'm afraid of being completely disgusted with myself. I would probably be like the girl I saw today.

I saw a girl at the clinic that made me very sad today. She was very thin, you could tell she had an eating disorder. My family walked into the main room on the first floor, and we saw her. She was exercising. No one except us payed any attention to her. She would jog a tiny bit, all hunched over. Her eyes looked lost and confused. She would jog all hunched over across the lobby, going around things so she could burn more calories. She made me very very sad. She made me want to cry. She made me want to go up to her and say- Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Probably not, I'm a random stranger, but I didn't do that.

When we were about to go up the elevator to our appointment, she was gone. About three hours later, we went down and she was back. I was so worried about her, because I knew how it felt. I didn't know what to do, no one seemed to notice except me and my mom. So we told the receptionist lady at the assessment area and she knew who she was. As we were leaving, we saw the lady look for the girl and I don't know what happened after that. I still worry about her now, because I know how frustrating it is. To be so consumed, to feel like a complete failure and that you have to burn calories. Tapping the foot, light jogging, anything to burn calories. I hope she gets the help she needs, I will be praying for her.

Ok anyway, the appointment went overall okay. I was happy with my "team" because everyone was so nice, yet so forceful and it seemed like they knew the eating disorder very well. It may be hard to hand the control over to my mom, but I'm willing to do it if it will cure me so I can run again. So I can live.To be free.

What we're going to do is, my mom will go grocery shopping for me. She will eat with me at every meal. Except lunch, that's where we're stumped. I have a webcam, and she's thinking about getting one so we can skype. And eat lunch together. I really like that idea, eating lunch over skype(: I like the idea of recovering, being fit and healthy instead of miserable, hungry, and super skinny. I want people to look at me and say- Wow, she's beautiful. Or, she's really fit and healthy or something. Vs: -She's skinny and beautiful. I wonder if she's anorexic. I bet she is.

That reminds me, yesterday I got asked another question on my formspring about myself. It went something like this:

Anonymous person: are you anorexic or naturally skinny

me: Why does it matter?

Anonymous person: oh and you don't have to answer you're just really pretty and skinny

me: Well thanks(: But someone doesn't have to be skinny to be pretty.

After that I think they said something like: I know, I just mean you have the whole package.

That made me also very sad/: Skinny is not beautiful. I have a disease. A disease that makes me depressed, unable to go out to eat, sometimes even not hang out with friends, a disease that makes me unable to go to sleep at a normal time at night. A disease that has controlled me for almost 2 years. A disease that I want to overcome.

I can't tell everyone now that I have an eating disorder. No. I will write a book later in life, when I'm recovered. I'll tell all the aspects of recovery and how you can get help. I'll raise awareness about the disease and hopefully bring hope to people's lives. Hopefully one day I can reduce the number of people in the world that have eating disorders. Because one day, I will be one more person that has completely recovered. One day, I will be one more person that is free.

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Omg, this post is so long. I'll get to the pictures now(: Thanks so much if you read every word, you're amazing!

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I made this on Sunday. Let me just say, this is one of the best things I've ever made. No guilt cheesecake! I love it(:

Chik'n nuggets(: These are the best thing to real chicken nuggets. I love this brand. They have amazing "chik'n" stuff.



I LOVED this idea(: One serving broccoli and cheese! They also have corn. I really liked this because I didn't have to measure it out.



This is a really good book. If you haven't read any of her other books, you should! They're all pretty good. I had to fight to put it down. I would have been reading for hours and been done with it if I hadn't of put it down(:




^^^^^YES(:

Then just a feel good video(: I love this song.

Have a great night everyone! <3

Skinny is a compliment?

This weekend, was probably the best in a long time. I hung out with J and C (I know I said I wouldn't hang out with them.. but I'm being careful) and we had a lot of fun! J only stayed over at my house for 3 hours because of babysitting but she texted me after she left and said that she had a lot of fun and she wanted to hang out again soon.

I was a little worried about just me and C hanging out by ourselves because we didn't have much fun in the past just by ourselves but I was surprised because we had a lot of fun too! We went to the mall and didn't buy anything, but we had a lot of fun just walking around and acting crazy in the mattress store.

I was worried that I would eat more when I was with them, but then I thought I don't even care if I eat more when I'm with friends! I don't want to be weak, tired, ready to faint, etc. I ate more on Saturday and I was okay with it. I had a really good dinner, but I think I might of ate too much too fast because I didn't feel good for a while after that. Maybe next time I'll just have to eat a little less or not eat everything in one sitting.

This weekend was fun, but one thing that confused me was that being skinny was considered a compliment. I don't really see how it is. I was complimented on how I was really skinny on my formspring last night and a lot in the past too. But how is skinny better than any other body type? We're all different, and that's whats makes us special. If every person was really skinny, I think the world would even be a little boring.

For me, I would rather be complimented on my personality. It seems like the world only focuses on the outward appearance, but I look at the heart. Hopefully, the world will change one day.

Depression

Last night, was probably the worst night ever. I was going to try to blog about it, but I couldn't seem to find the motivation to type anything. Or even eat. For a while, I couldn't even cry. Everything seemed so dark and bleak. All I wanted to do, was move. Somehow, I have it in my head that all my problems will go away if I move. No, they will still be there, but if I move somewhere warmer I will for sure be happier.

I have seasonal depression, so in the winter I get really really sad. Especially now that I'm home alone all day. There's some days I don't even leave the house.

Yesterday I just wanted to scream for someone to understand. My mom never seems to know what to do. I'm not sure why, she's reading a ton of articles and ED books. But last night, she didn't even notice that I had almost skipped dinner. Her best friends cat just died, so I guess her mind was on that a lot..

I don't mean to demand a lot of attention, I just want someone to care. To understand. To say, I know exactly how you feel.

I did end up eating dinner later, but it was pretty small and mainly centered around fruits and vegetables. I'm just so tired of all of this. I really want to move, I want to work out, to be able to eat more. I figure, weight gain will be a little easier if I don't notice it. Like If I'm doing tennis inside a lot, doing things I love, being happy. If I'm just sitting on my butt all the time, and eating more, I don't know what I'll do. I won't let that happen though. I don't know, I'll have to talk to my therapist when I meet her for the first time next week.

I'm just also tired of not being able to get to sleep. I try, and try but somehow I never get tired. I end up going to the kitchen, looking around, grabbing a glass of water and an applesauce and going to bed.

Sorry this post was totally pointless, I just had to get it alll out, and vent. I hope I dig myself out of this hole soon, because it's really getting bad. I hope God will guide me out of this mess. I just have to let him.

Stop trying to please others, and start trying to please yourself.

I've been feeling really hopeless lately. Yesterday and the day before, I've really struggled. I talked with my mom, and she said that she would turn off her phone and leave it in the car before we went into the clinic. So at least that problem was solved.

It was only later that day, that it got really difficult. It was around dinner time, but I didn't want to eat. I felt like I had had too much earlier so when my mom asked me what I wanted, I struggled to answer, and said nothing. I wasn't really in the mood to eat. So of course, she did not listen and made me dinner.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I don't like other people making me food. It's almost like.. I don't trust them? (does anyone else have this problem?) I don't know why. I like making food for other people, but I hate when people make food for me. Sometimes they say that they're returning the favor, but I don't really see it as a nice gesture, I feel bad that food might go to waste.

Anyway, my mom made the food and called me to the table. I had no appetite. It was completely gone. I had absolutely no desire to eat. At all. So I did the ED trick, pushed it around the plate, messed around with it, took very very slow very small bites, drank the water first, but I guess luckily I was not fooling anyone. My parents got really really mad at me, and I hate when people are mad at me. It really stressed me out, so I got a really bad stomach ache. But my parents wouldn't believe me. They thought I was faking it and kept telling me to eat. Then, they began taking things away from me. Like my cell phone, Internet (which I really need to do school!), car rides, even occasionally hanging out with friends.

Eventually they got fed up and left me alone upstairs by myself. I didn't know what to do. My people pleasing attitude told me to just eat it, the ED told me to hide the food, but I didn't listen to either of them.

I ended up convincing my mom to read some ED articles on the NEDA website and now she's starting to read some ED parent books. So I guess it's a start.

I did eat something later though. The rest of the cake batter ice cream (yum!) but my mom of course, had to comment on that:"Do you really think that's a proper dinner?" "why don't you eat ____?" Me: "Well, I just don't feel like eating anything right now. Can't you just be happy that I'm at least trying?". So she just left me alone again.

Each time something like this happens, it makes me want to go away. Go away to a place where people understand me. Like an inpatient clinic in Texas, or California. I know I'm not that bad so I probably couldn't go there, but I want to. I'm so tired of people telling me to eat and if I do eat, they criticize me for what I'm eating. I can't help it/: I'm a sweets person. I like sweets. The ED says I should limit my sweet intake, but I don't listen to it. I like sweets and I am going to enjoy them. Even if I just have sweets for breakfast and then try to have proper meals later, I am still going to have them.

I will try harder this week. Hopefully I can just silence the voices around me (and the voice in my head) and just eat. Even if it's eating alone, at least I'm trying.