Friday, December 3, 2010


Last night, was probably the worst night ever. I was going to try to blog about it, but I couldn't seem to find the motivation to type anything. Or even eat. For a while, I couldn't even cry. Everything seemed so dark and bleak. All I wanted to do, was move. Somehow, I have it in my head that all my problems will go away if I move. No, they will still be there, but if I move somewhere warmer I will for sure be happier.

I have seasonal depression, so in the winter I get really really sad. Especially now that I'm home alone all day. There's some days I don't even leave the house.

Yesterday I just wanted to scream for someone to understand. My mom never seems to know what to do. I'm not sure why, she's reading a ton of articles and ED books. But last night, she didn't even notice that I had almost skipped dinner. Her best friends cat just died, so I guess her mind was on that a lot..

I don't mean to demand a lot of attention, I just want someone to care. To understand. To say, I know exactly how you feel.

I did end up eating dinner later, but it was pretty small and mainly centered around fruits and vegetables. I'm just so tired of all of this. I really want to move, I want to work out, to be able to eat more. I figure, weight gain will be a little easier if I don't notice it. Like If I'm doing tennis inside a lot, doing things I love, being happy. If I'm just sitting on my butt all the time, and eating more, I don't know what I'll do. I won't let that happen though. I don't know, I'll have to talk to my therapist when I meet her for the first time next week.

I'm just also tired of not being able to get to sleep. I try, and try but somehow I never get tired. I end up going to the kitchen, looking around, grabbing a glass of water and an applesauce and going to bed.

Sorry this post was totally pointless, I just had to get it alll out, and vent. I hope I dig myself out of this hole soon, because it's really getting bad. I hope God will guide me out of this mess. I just have to let him.


  1. Aww I'm sorry hun :( Depression is the worst feeling in the world. I wish I knew what to say to help :/ is there anything you can do to keep your mind off it? Any crafts or anything? Knitting is fun and pretty easy... not that knitting will fix it, but at least if you're doing something you can focus on maybe it'll help keep your mind busy. I know I always feel so much worse if I'm just sitting home. It makes everything worse :/

    Hang in there. I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time :(

  2. Yes.
    Let Go and Let God.
    Only you can get out of this mess. Only he can help you.

    Your Mom can only love you to bits and peices.
    Maybe she noticed what you didn't eat but the books are telling her it is best to make no comments....

    If you are having trouble sleeping, ask for a noice machine for christmas.
    And get a nice heating pad. And socks.
    And just breathe.


  3. It's not a pointless post hun, you are expressing your feelings, and they are important :)

    I'm sorry you had such a rough night, and that you can't sleep. I know how much that sucks.

    Hand it over to God hun.


  4. What you need is a hobby! Find something that will be a creative outlet and something that inspires you. If you're still trying to gain a lot of weight, I wouldn't recommend exercising yet. But definetly get outside if that's what you like and maybe take short walks around your neighborhood? Read, draw, anything that takes your mind off of food and weight! Thankfully I have a part time job, helped a lot in the beginning to distract me some. If something sounds interesting in the job ads, maybe you should apply?! I know how restless this time is for you and winter gets me down in the dumps too. But it doesn't last forever, hun!

    <3 Tori

  5. I think sometimes action needs to precedes motivation and I think this may be true in your case. To get out of the way you're feeling you need to do actions that are completly against anorexia.

    I also think that during recovery. We come tonstages when we get frustrated with the while thing and go into all or nothing thinking, I've been there and gave wanted to 'run' but like u said, ur problems will just follow you!

    Doing things to make you happy xnd that represent you is s great idea!! It'll make you feel mire alive and ptobxy Nordic motivated! Take care Hun xx

  6. Aww, hang in there girl! WE all care about you! And God does too. I agree with Olivia, maybe do a bunch of crafts, look up random facts on the internet, read, write a story or poem, or anything that can keep you mentally busy. I've been through the whole "don't exercise" thing and it sucks. But the sooner you get to a good weight, the sooner you can start activity again.
    Have you looked into getting one of those special sunlight lamps? I've known a few people with SAD that got them and they helped alot.
    Anyway, I'm sorry stuff isn't going great, but just hold on and stay strong. I have faith that you CAN do this!<3

  7. lots of love. i wish my magic wand would work... x

  8. oh babe im so sorry :( hang in there xoxo