Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Everything always works out in the end

Rawrrr. I was so freaking angry today. I think today was one of the worst days ever.

See, I told you all that the maudsley approach was the treatment that I was doing (not by choice) well today, my mom decided to stay home with me since I usually get pretty lonely and sad and depressed.

Yesterday, we got in another fight, and I was really sad so she decided to stay home with me half the day today. I felt like such a failure from the night before because I'd skipped lunch, ate dinner, then eaten a few sweets after dinner. I was at my usual amount of cals at the end of the day, so I'm not sure why I felt like such a failure. Probably because I'd not listened to the ED when I was apparently supposed to. or maybe because I felt out of control? I was supposed to restrict because of the holidays, but I'm slowly realizing that I don't really want to.

Anyway, when I woke up today I felt so bad, so.. fat. So when my mom asked me what I want for breakfast, I said nothing. So she made me something she thought I liked, but I really hated. I did not want to eat what she made me at all. So I picked it apart, and threw the main parts of the meal away and ate very little. She got kinda mad, and said that we would not leave until I ate the breakfast.

I isolated myself and tried to calm down while she was making lunch. I got to the table at lunch time, and she had made a huge lunch. I had no idea why she did that because I had struggled so much at breakfast, and just seeing it made me sick. So I ate almost everything she made, except the sandwich. I'll admit, the sandwich was scary. It had two of my fear foods on it, avocado and oatmeal bread. I ate 1/4 of it, and she said I had to finish the whole sandwich. We got in another fight.

My dad got home and my mom told him what happened, and she left for work. Then, me and my dad got in another fight about eating. I was so worn out about fighting and crying, I took a 3 hour nap.

Then dinner came around, and me and my dad got into another fight. I locked myself in my room and actually started packing my bags. I was so tired of crying and I just wanted to go to my grandmas house because she doesn't even really know I have an ED. And I never fight with her.

So, my dad broke in my room and he actually started crying too. After actually seeing my dad cry, we got things straightened out about 2 hours later when my mom got home. Well.. after more fighting and tears on my end.

We decided to make a meal plan, to write down what I eat the day before. I can mostly decide what to eat for breakfast & lunch (but they supervise) and they decide what to eat for dinner. I like that plan, that way they aren't making things I don't really like. And when we write it down, we can make sure I have all the food groups that I need.

So in the end, everything does truly work out. I got the support that I needed, I got everything fixed with my nutritionist, & I'm getting two more people added to my treatment team. A physical therapist to figure out exercise and a psychiatrist to help me deal with the weight gain and not feeling fat when I get to a normal weight and stuff like that. And, I'm baking a tonn tomorrow, so that was for sure be fun(: Everything will be okay. I have to work hard to beat this, but everything will work out in the end.


  1. So sorry you had such a tough day! This post brings back a lot of memories. I felt very similar emotions when I first started the recovery process. It is very difficult, but it *will* work out in the end. You can do this! Even if your parents are arguing with you, just remember that they only want you to get better, but it's confusing for them too. They probably feel just as stuck and scared as you do. From my own experience, you have to learn to work together (which isn't easy).

    You said something very important here: "I was supposed to restrict because of the holidays, but I'm slowly realizing that I don't really want to."
    Whether you realize it or not, I think that shows tremendous progress. I am wishing nothing but good things for you! Keep fighting this.

    God bless and Merry Christmas

  2. It really is a struggle for control that you're tyring not to lose. But I say it would be so much easier if you just let it go! You promised to try this approach and the only way to do that is to give up the control. I'm glad you aren't giving up though. Or running away like you almost did. You're parents really love and support you, I can tell. They don't want to make this process uncomfortable, but to be honest, it will be uncomfortable for awhile. But it gets better. Just like you said. It works out!

    I wish I could be there in person to cheer you on girl! I have a feeling you're going to be just fine though!

    <3 Tori

  3. I'm sorry that you had a day like this! Sometimes recovery sucks. But it will get easier, so stick with it. Keep fighting!

    My parents love to push food on me. They are no longer allowed to comment on how much I eat or try to get me to eat more. Following the meal plan is my responsibility. But just like lifeafteranorexia said, this is scary for them too and you need your parents on your treatment team. I'm glad everything turned out okay.

    Hugs! Have a great Christmas! Don't give up, you're making so much progress. Keep up the positive attitude!

  4. Awww, Danielle!
    I'm so sorry for all the fights and tears.
    Believe me, I've been though it all. And it's no fun.
    But I know you can do this. You have the strength to recover. I hope everything works out between you, your family and your new plan - I'm praying for you, girl!
    Your parents love you, and the only reason why they're fighting is because they're worried about you, and because they want you to recover and be healthy. Try to understand their side.. even though I know it's hard.
    Happy Holidays, girl!
    Wish you a Christmas full of love, peace and health! Try making a plan to enjoy everything you want to on Christmas. If it looks good, eat it :D
    Love you, girlie!

  5. Ugh girl I can relate to what having such a stressful day is like. However, the best part of this is that you ended everything on a good note. I can imagine how hard this approach is for both you and your parents. You want your parents to be there as a support and as a friend, but now they have to enforce rules that your ED hates, so it can really put a strain on your relationship if you're not careful. I really admire how you handled things though, and I think your plan is good. Put a little trust in your mealplan and in your family. They really do want the best for you and they see your potential. We all see your potential, so hang in there and blog if you need support :)
    Keep with it girl!
    <3 S

  6. Sorry you had such a rough day. :( Unfortunantly, you'll go through bad days during recovery when it doesn't seem worth it. But it is! And you seem to have turned the day around. :) Fighting with your parents is totally normal in recovery - you just have to remember that it's really ed fighting. That's not an excuse, of course, but it is important to remember that YOU want this and that YOU love your parents. And they love you and want to help you, too.

    Keep up the good work! Merry Christmas!<3

  7. So sorry you had such a hard day... This post brought back a flood of memories from when I first started with my treatment team... This is the hard stuff but you can push through it!

    I'm kind of at the same point as Liz with food, I'm in charge of my food with my nutritionist and my family doesn't tell me how to listen to my stomach b/c I can do that ( or try my best). It's my job to eat healthily NO MATTER WHAT..

    Remember, recovery isn't about the food but the emotions hidden behind the food.

    I hope you have a Merry Christmas! ED FREE!!!

  8. Oh, wow. That is so rough! I am so thankful to God that your parents are so involved, however.
    They are in pain, as well. Remember that. Your mom doesn't want to make you a sandwhich you dont want. She wants things to be like the "old days" you know? They are doing what is best and you know that, of course. (0:

    Hey -- since you are gaining more choices with the meal me this challenge. Please?

    Make a concentrated effort to incorporate the "fear foods" ....could you maybe have a tablespoon of guacamole if that was the only "unsafe" thing you do that day besides dinner? Please try and stretch your comfort zone cause it gets so much easier. Trust me.
    Baby steps....but steps.