Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holidays and Eating Disorders

The holidays are always a really hard time for me. I'm a natural people pleaser, so I always care a lot what people think of me. This, is usually how it's gone the past year.

I'm dangerously underweight in the summer, no one says anything except a little cousin. Then comes winter and there's a 25 lb difference. Still, no one says anything. Do they notice? Well, probably. But even if they still don't say anything, seeing people I haven't seen in a long time makes me so nervous. I feel like I have to restrict days prior to almost like, cope with it.

I guess I almost got lucky this year, because it's going to be mostly kids at Christmas eve this year. Mostly because of family drama, which I guess isn't that lucky, but still.

I'm trying to shake the feeling that I don't have to restrict because no one will probably be commenting on my weight, but I'm still really worried. I know I can't get "fat" from the amount I'm eating (but it's still right for me. I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full) but the worry just keeps on coming. There are so many times when I say- I wish I never had an eating disorder but how will that help anything?

I really want to get off this stupid roller coaster. One day I'm so positive and happy, and the next day the eating disorder is really hard and I'm depressed once again.

Another thing I'm worried about, is eating at the clinic today. I wasn't worried at first, but now I kinda am. We're having spaghetti and I haven't had that in months (not counting the smart ones spaghetti). It's a huge fear food for me. And, I honestly don't crave it very much. I guess, I don't crave food right now. I know that's the ED doing that, but the only thing I usually want is breakfast. That's the easiest meal of the day.

Ugh, sorry this was such a downer post. I should look on the positive side of things now. I got presents wrapped, my aunts dog is leaving soon (I had to watch her for the day yesterday.. she's just.. I'll write about her later), Christmas is on Saturday, and I'm baking all day Thursday with C and hopefully I'll get to make truffles. And my mom has most of next week off, so hopefully we can volunteer somewhere.

It will get better. Maybe if I keep saying that, it will actually start to happen.


  1. Aww, you can do this! The emotional toll that fighting ed takes on us sucks, but don't give up. Remember, we are so much harder on ourselves than any one else is and worrying about what other people think is not worth it. You (along with your team) know what's best for you!
    I hope this week goes well for you. You are doing amazing - never forget that!<3

  2. It is a very hard battle, but you are doing beautifully. Do not worry about having a "downer" post. You are entitled to feel this way. It's a freaking hard thing to live with. So, you said it perfectly...it's a roller coaster ride.

    You have an ED for a reason. It is to show you that you are A STRONG young woman.

  3. Believe!!! It will get better if u keep a positive outlook! Keep as consistent as u cab through ups and downs and eventually recovery will become more evenly going in the right direction . Xx

  4. You don't need to apologise hun, sometimes you just need to rant!
    I'm sorry you are struggling right now, maybe try and remember the reasons for going into recovery? Just to remind yourself why you are still keeping going with it.

  5. In order to get off of this rollercoaster, you have to start working on why you are resorting to your eating disorder as a way of controlling your life. I find that when I'm having a hard time or when things in my life are changing when i don't want them to, the thoughts become rampant and too hard to resist - it WAS my means of coping with life. Does this make sense?

    Spaghetti isn't anything to be afraid of, hun. I eat spaghetti every week because it's so easy and delicious! It's full of protein, low GI carbohydrates and let's face it, it's fun to eat. When I have new foods to try and get the thought that I'm not craving it, I realise I'm not craving it because I haven't had it in so long. For example, I don't eat pizza therefore I don't crave it. But If I ate pizza regularly, my taste buds would be accustomed to it and therefore I would want it more often.

    Put a smile on your dial, Sweetie. You're worth it :)


  6. You've given me such support- it's time to return the favor. You WILL get off the rollarcoaster- we both will. With hard work, we will get there. YOU HAVE IT IN YOU. I know you can make it.

    And i'm sure, I'm 100% positive that the weight you are at now is a healthy, beautiful weight.

    You can do this. I believe in you.


  7. Danielle - you are so strong and such an incredible person. Having an ED sucks big time, and nothing I can say takes that away. But you are such a huge inspiration to me. You are making progress each time that you take a small step. Keep taking those small steps, even if you are the only one who sees them. Thinking of you! Hugs!

  8. Christmas for me is going to be a bit different this year too, for various family 'drama'. Don't you hate that?!

    But I want to really encourage you to do your best to put aside your disorder that day and trying your hardest to not listen to that voice telling you to control what you eat. Take everything one day at a time and try to focus on things that you know is more important this season. You really inspire me with your urge to volunteer. Your hearts in the right place, and soon your head will be compleatly void of ED's minipulation too!

    <3 Tori

  9. Don't allow your ED to steal your Christmas. This is your time to be around your family - you should not be worrying about food or your weight. It is no triumph to be tiny in summer. It is a triumph to be free and liberated and happy. Embrace yourself; you can be strong and overcome this.