Sunday, December 12, 2010

Shopping with Ed

Today, I decided to go shopping. I needed to get out of the house, and I also needed to buy bigger clothes. I was really excited about shopping.. until Ed decided to make a surprise visit.

I didn't feel like wearing jeans today, so I just wear some leggings with a long sweater, a tank top, and black flats. But when I got to the mall, I felt reallyy insecure. Everyone seemed so much more stylish than me, so much more thinner and prettier than me. And Ed just kept making it worse. He kept whispering in my ear- look, she's sooo much thinner than you. And prettier. I bet she's not in recovery. You shouldn't be either. Remember how fun it used to be when you would under eat and go shopping? Me: yeah? Well now you totally ruined the fun because you already ate what you normally would in one day. Me:Well, so? Shopping can still be fun.. No it won't and you know it. Don't eat dinner tonight. And skip that latte you were going to get Starbucks too. You're getting too fat and your legs are looking fatter than usual.

So, Ed was being a pain in the butt today. I didn't buy anything shopping and came back home pretty sad and frustrated. My mom tried to make me feel better by telling me no, my legs were definitely not fat and I was probably one of the thinnest girls at the mall. I told her that was a total lie, and we didn't talk the rest of the way home.

I'm not sure what to do now. I wish that I could work out, like work out some frustrations. I loved when me and my mom had a gym membership. I would meet up with friends, work out, then we would go swimming or go in the hot tub. It was fun, I really liked going to the gym. It wasn't really a place of torture, it was really fun and I always loved going there. But now whenever I bring up a gym membership, my mom says no working out until I'm healthy. Which is NOT going to happen. I can't really watch a movie or knit or something. The only thing that seems to cheer me up is my dog.

My dog is pretty amazing. I love her to death, she always knows when I'm upset. Like whenever I'm trying to work out when I'm not supposed to, I take a break and she holds me down and sits by me. Or if I'm trying to do sit ups in my room, she hides under my bed and whenever I go down or take a break, she licks me and tries to make me laugh. She's smarter than a lot of people think, and I'm glad to have her in my life. Hopefully she'll cheer me up tonight.

So, I guess I might try to have dinner, but I'm not sure. All I want to do is play with my dog, then watch desperate housewives with a bowl of frozen yogurt.

So Ed, there will be a time where you will not make me feel worthless and bad about myself everyday. I'm going to win this thing, and one day you will be out of my life forever.


  1. I'm sorry that ED ruined your shopping trip. You are so right though, there will be a time when ED will be far in the past. Don't give in. Don't give up. Keep on fighting! That time can be sooner than you think.

    I understand about your dog. Animals are so great at helping us in recovery! I went down to the barn to see the horse I train yesterday and just working with him improved my mood so much!

    Stay strong! Thanks for your support! I hope your week gets better from here!


  2. yes, Ed will be out of your life. I'm sorry he's torturing you and making you feel so badly about yourself, but as long as you keep moving forward (play with your dog and eat that frozen yogurt!) you will feel better. it sucks, it takes a long time, and it takes a lot of hard work and persistence but I really believe in you. keep on :) xoxo

  3. shopping is such great retail therapy. But anything that ED bumps into turns into hell. Just know that you are stronger and you can do this. Hang in there. I know you're strong!!!

    Hang in there babe, you can do this. stay strong

  4. I have similar experiences like that when shopping-everyones apparntly prettier, more successful, a better person-than i am! i know this isnt true, i know im a good person, i know im not fat! but i use that feeling as a motivation to recover futher and get healthier, because i know ed is taking away from the person i really am.

    You are a great person too-and u deserve to have normal, latte filled, dress buying shopping trips!

  5. I hate shopping with ED!!! I've been there girl, I know how it is. <3 That said, I have some suggestions for you!

    - Maybe it would help to go with a supportive friend who can reassure you if you start to get anxious. You might also feel less alone with ED, too- being distracted by someone to talk and laugh with, just like you went shopping with your friends awhile ago and had a good time and didn't worry about food.
    - Try to try clothes on w/o looking at the size- this is where a friend can help out.
    - I haven't tried this, but I've heard it's helpful w/ anxiety about clothes sizes- cut out the tags from your clothes with the sizes in them. Even though you know what size you are, it might help to not have to see it every day. It might make buying bigger clothes later easier as well.

    Keep fighting and staying strong! You can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    p.s. I'm glad your dog helps you! My dog helps me as well, I went home this weekend from college just so I could spend time with him, and I've eaten better the past few days than I have in the last 2 weeks. Love pet therapy!!!

  6. Just a little bump in the road,my love. Don't let it stop your from going shopping next could go tomorrow and have a fabulous experience.


  7. I know what this is like, just when you think you are going to get five minutes away from ED, he jumps on in! I always have to go shopping with someone else, I cannot cope with shopping alone. Sometimes buying clothes from the internet is easier, I know I prefer trying things on with no one else around, except my mum, and the stress is much less.
    But you have the right mentality, that you will get away from ED, you will get better, and it will be easier.
    Stay strong x