I didn't feel like wearing jeans today, so I just wear some leggings with a long sweater, a tank top, and black flats. But when I got to the mall, I felt reallyy insecure. Everyone seemed so much more stylish than me, so much more thinner and prettier than me. And Ed just kept making it worse. He kept whispering in my ear- look, she's sooo much thinner than you. And prettier. I bet she's not in recovery. You shouldn't be either. Remember how fun it used to be when you would under eat and go shopping? Me: yeah? Well now you totally ruined the fun because you already ate what you normally would in one day. Me:Well, so? Shopping can still be fun.. No it won't and you know it. Don't eat dinner tonight. And skip that latte you were going to get Starbucks too. You're getting too fat and your legs are looking fatter than usual.
So, Ed was being a pain in the butt today. I didn't buy anything shopping and came back home pretty sad and frustrated. My mom tried to make me feel better by telling me no, my legs were definitely not fat and I was probably one of the thinnest girls at the mall. I told her that was a total lie, and we didn't talk the rest of the way home.
I'm not sure what to do now. I wish that I could work out, like work out some frustrations. I loved when me and my mom had a gym membership. I would meet up with friends, work out, then we would go swimming or go in the hot tub. It was fun, I really liked going to the gym. It wasn't really a place of torture, it was really fun and I always loved going there. But now whenever I bring up a gym membership, my mom says no working out until I'm healthy. Which is NOT going to happen. I can't really watch a movie or knit or something. The only thing that seems to cheer me up is my dog.
My dog is pretty amazing. I love her to death, she always knows when I'm upset. Like whenever I'm trying to work out when I'm not supposed to, I take a break and she holds me down and sits by me. Or if I'm trying to do sit ups in my room, she hides under my bed and whenever I go down or take a break, she licks me and tries to make me laugh. She's smarter than a lot of people think, and I'm glad to have her in my life. Hopefully she'll cheer me up tonight.
So, I guess I might try to have dinner, but I'm not sure. All I want to do is play with my dog, then watch desperate housewives with a bowl of frozen yogurt.
So Ed, there will be a time where you will not make me feel worthless and bad about myself everyday. I'm going to win this thing, and one day you will be out of my life forever.