Thursday, December 9, 2010

Day by Day

Yesterday, was a really hard day for me. I got up, ate breakfast with my mom at 9 and then at 11:30 I started getting hungry. So I put a Amy's Vegan Wrap in the oven and took a shower. After I got out, I had to figure out what to eat with the wrap.

I started panicking. I had no idea what to eat with the wrap. So I got out 4 strawberries. No big deal. Then I ate a handful of white chocolate chips and two spoonfuls of ice cream. Still, no big deal right? I went downstairs to eat, then came back upstairs and hour later and realized I wanted a cliff bar. I panicked for about a half hour, deciding to eat that cliff bar. So I ate it, with another handful of white chocolate chips.

Then, things took a turn for the worst. I began adding up the calories and I was already in the triple digits. Something I usually don't get to until the end of the day. I started pacing back and forth, then walking across one side of my house to the other. Then I turning on the radio and started running. Then a little boxing.

It wasn't a long time, only 22 minutes and I took breaks in between each one but I shouldn't have been working out at all! I started drinking a ton of liquids after that, to almost wash everything out and decided not to eat dinner.

Well 6:00 rolls around, and my parents start making dinner. I get so afraid and try to think of every possible excuse not to eat. Push the food around the plate, drink water first, etc. But when I got to the table, I was surprised that I wanted to eat. I was really hungry. So I ate a good dinner, then a pudding snack. And I was actually proud of myself. I was really full, and it was okay. I didn't feel fat.

So, I've decided to come up with a new plan for myself. No more triple digit calories a day. Nope. I'm gonna eat what a normal person my age would eat. (okay, maybe a little less. Depends on the person I guess). I'm going to work hard at recovery. I'm going to buy bigger clothes, and be scared at first, but I'll get used to it.

I actually really like this new food freedom. I can almost eat whatever I want. It feels so freeing. Yeah, I'll still do the workouts today but to be honest it gives me a lot less anxiety about eating. I'm not going to work out to certain extremes, I'll just do a small amount. Just an amount that isn't too high and one that relieves my anxiety about calories.

I will recover from this. But, I will not be trying to undereat again. Nope. That is not possible in recovery. I will work out, but like I said, only small amounts. I actually like working out. It feels good. I want my fit body back, not a bony one. I don't want people to look at me and question if I have anorexia. I want to be a good example for other girls. I don't want to have an eating disorder anymore. Hopefully, I will be free one day.


  1. Danielle, I'm so proud of you. With this kind of determination you WILL be free. i can relate to every single feeling and thought you described, but once you let go of the calorie counting and tell ED to "SHUT UP" you can just allow yourself to eat when you feel hungry. it is so freeing and relaxing. please take care of yourself and remember how good it feels to be healthy. it is scary, but it takes courage and that makes you strong and beautiful.

    much love xoxo

  2. I agree, it's so liberating to be able to eat whatever you want. And after a while you realize that being comfortably full is a nice feeling, and hunger is not AT ALL appealing.

    Proud of you for eating dinner, it was the right thing to do. Keep up the good work.

  3. I second everything that Emmy has said!! I am so proud of you for eating a good dinner after your difficult day and committing to recovery!!! I am glad that you are finding it freeing to be able to eat what you want. When I was in intensive treatment, my case manager always told me that "calories" are really "energy"- it's important to remember we need a certain amount just to function, not only physically but mentally, too! Therefore, if you are eating enough to fuel your brain, it becomes easier to think rationally and push away the ED thoughts. Keep staying strong and taking it one day at a time. <3

  4. Just to be clear, I understood this as you don't get to "triple digits" until the end of the day, meaning you don't hit 100 calories until dinnertime? I hope I'm wrong and I misunderstood. That's very dangerous Danielle. Of course you need to eat enough calories for your height and age. It's so important to recovery. As much as it feels wrong and uncomfortable, you have to push through it. Once you're fueling you body properly, you will notice how much better you feel and how much you you've changed for the better.

    <3 Tori

  5. @Tori, Ohhh no I never meant that haha that would be scary! I meant the end of the triple digit range meaning 800 calories. Thank god I'm not doing that anymore though.

  6. Hey Danielle! This was lovely to read , I hope you carry on with your new found freedom! F xx

  7. Danielle! I'm so proud of you. This realization is amazing. You have it in you to beat this!!! The freedom is amazing and it frees us from the SHIT that ED straight jackets us into!

    Stay strong!!!
    <3 <3

  8. I'm so glad you have a new plan! Things seem to be looking up for you, good job. I love your new outlook on things and don't give up, you're doing great.

  9. Thanks everyone for the supportive comments(: And @missy, I have my formspring connected with facebook and I have a picture on there. I may make one for my blog when I share a picture, but I don't want to share a picture until I'm in a healthy place.

  10. Yuck and Yay.
    Sometimes thats what a day brings.
    A little yuck a little yay....all in the process of learning and growing!

    Remember what you wrote:
    But when I got to the table, I was surprised that I wanted to eat. I was really hungry. So I ate a good dinner, then a pudding snack. And I was actually proud of myself. I was really full, and it was okay. I didn't feel fat.

    Your body is talking to you again!
    That's all it is. Your metabolism is adjusting.
    Feed the hunger...get uncomfortable...keep eating and it gets easier!