Friday, December 10, 2010

I will never be fat

The ED has told me many lies, but the biggest one was that I'm going to be fat or I was fat a few years ago. That is a complete lie. I was downstairs yesterday watching TV when a slide show popped up on my mom's computer. It was from about 3 years ago and it was when we went on vacation to Florida. As I looked at the pictures, I realized something. I was never fat. At all. I don't gain weight in one area, I just gain it all over. The picture made me realize what a lier Ed was. It was kinda sad. I've had this fear of getting fat for months and months, but that's never going to happen.

Even if I do start eating when I want again (which I am. but sometimes someone else influences that) I will never become fat. Even if I never work out, I will not be fat. I will always be small and it's time that I start realizing that. Yes my weight will go up and I won't be bony and anorexic anymore, but I'll never be fat. It's not in my genes, and it's just not possible. So Ed, you can shove your lies up your butt and leave me alone. I don't want you in my life anymore, nor do I need you.

But, one problem that I'm dealing with is other people. J, like I mentioned before, is like me. She's very tall (taller than me) and very very skinny. I'm just afraid when I start gaining weight, she's going to stay the same and I won't feel good around her. Or is that another lie, Ed? What should I do? I want to help her, but I have to help myself first. I know she's struggling because she doesn't eat much of a breakfast or lunch but I'm not sure what to do. She never makes it clear that she is struggling, but I can see that she is.

Hopefully, I'll get everything sorted out soon. I'm going shopping soon for backup clothes or bigger clothes in the next size up, I'm hopefully going to start working out soon and I might even start cooking more. I'm so glad that I have this new freedom with cooking/baking too. Before, I was a huge calorie counter and counted every single thing that entered my mouth. Now, I could really care less. Yes, I do have a number in my head that I'm striving towards, but I'm trying to forget about numbers all together.

So Ed, I'm strong and I will beat you. You'll see. I won't have an eating disorder for long.


  1. :) you are seriously such an amazing inspiration. that post was what I needed today to start out the day. YOu will NEVER be fat. you WILL ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL :)


  2. It's crazy how we think we were even fat in the first place, huh? I hate the lies but I've recently learnt to laugh them off. I like to think of the "voice" as my own personal joke book in my head. It keeps crackin' jokes left, right and centre and I just laugh 'em off. That's all you can really do. Believe in yourself :)


  3. I just say we do away with the F word all together. It's just an ugly word.

    People have fat on their bodies, yes. Everyone does! You need it! But why do we call people fat? There is a possibily for everyone to become over weight, but it's not something to be deathly afraid of. There is so much more to life, and so much more we should focus our attention on.

    You will never BE fat. No one IS fat. We are people, not fat.

    <3 Tori

  4. Oh thus is such a great thing to write about!! Seriously like, what even is this whole "fat" phenomenon! Ridiculous! Heath should be our number one priority! Xx

  5. I loved your post! All ED tells us are lies lies lies. The fat lie is one of his favorites I believe.

    YAY!! I'm so excited for your new found freedom with food! It is so freeing to crave something then eat it. This past Thursday a friend brought his famous(and delicious) chocolate fudge.. Oh how bad I wanted it! Everyone always said it was the best and now a whole tin was sitting on the counter...I wanted it but my ED kept throwing numbers around in my head and running his annoying lie tape. That tape has come to bore me, so I enjoyed not one but two pieces of fudge! DELICIOUS!! Nothing is a sweet as freedom!

    You are SO beating your ED!

  6. Wonderful post, Danielle!!! You are absolutely right! Keep talking back to the ED voice and working towards trusting your body. About J- you're right that before you can help her, you have to help yourself. It is also highly possible that you can help her by helping yourself- you can be a role model to her to show that recovery really is possible and worth it. Keep up the great work girl. <3

  7. I love this, Danielle!! The title alone makes me smile! You are being incrediably brave and your progress shows in your positive attitude.
    I have the same problem - comparing myself to other people. I have to tell myself that it's just another one of ed's ways to trick us. I'm slowly figuring it out. I know you can too!
    Stay strong!<3

  8. Repeat after yourself.
    I quote:
    " I want to help her, but I have to help myself first."

    Do It.
    Come on.
    Im waiting...

    No. Out loud. Come on now..
    " I want to help her, but I have to help myself first."

    Okay. While your at it?
    "I will never be fat."
    Out loud.
    And again. And repeat.