Tuesday, December 7, 2010

You are NOT your eating disorder

Today, I went to the clinic and met with my doctor, therapist, and dietitian for the first time. At first, it was the scariest thing ever. The dietitian explained to me that they will be using The Maudsley Approach. Basically, my parents (mainly my mom because my dad is just.. blah) would be in charge of all of my meals. They would eat with me, and they would make my food for me, until I got to stage two of the program, then the control would be handed back to me. NOT my eating disorder. If I would to lose any weight when they handed the control to me, the control would once again go back to my parents.

First, I was terrified. I wanted to throw up multiple times and become bulimic. That way, they would never know. I would still remain skinny. Was this my idea? No, now I realize this was definitely not my idea. I hate throwing up. It scares me to death. But handing the control over to my mom would be even scarier, honestly I trust my eating disorder more. Because I'm afraid of being "fat" like I was on the family cruise all those months ago. I'm afraid of being completely disgusted with myself. I would probably be like the girl I saw today.

I saw a girl at the clinic that made me very sad today. She was very thin, you could tell she had an eating disorder. My family walked into the main room on the first floor, and we saw her. She was exercising. No one except us payed any attention to her. She would jog a tiny bit, all hunched over. Her eyes looked lost and confused. She would jog all hunched over across the lobby, going around things so she could burn more calories. She made me very very sad. She made me want to cry. She made me want to go up to her and say- Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Probably not, I'm a random stranger, but I didn't do that.

When we were about to go up the elevator to our appointment, she was gone. About three hours later, we went down and she was back. I was so worried about her, because I knew how it felt. I didn't know what to do, no one seemed to notice except me and my mom. So we told the receptionist lady at the assessment area and she knew who she was. As we were leaving, we saw the lady look for the girl and I don't know what happened after that. I still worry about her now, because I know how frustrating it is. To be so consumed, to feel like a complete failure and that you have to burn calories. Tapping the foot, light jogging, anything to burn calories. I hope she gets the help she needs, I will be praying for her.

Ok anyway, the appointment went overall okay. I was happy with my "team" because everyone was so nice, yet so forceful and it seemed like they knew the eating disorder very well. It may be hard to hand the control over to my mom, but I'm willing to do it if it will cure me so I can run again. So I can live.To be free.

What we're going to do is, my mom will go grocery shopping for me. She will eat with me at every meal. Except lunch, that's where we're stumped. I have a webcam, and she's thinking about getting one so we can skype. And eat lunch together. I really like that idea, eating lunch over skype(: I like the idea of recovering, being fit and healthy instead of miserable, hungry, and super skinny. I want people to look at me and say- Wow, she's beautiful. Or, she's really fit and healthy or something. Vs: -She's skinny and beautiful. I wonder if she's anorexic. I bet she is.

That reminds me, yesterday I got asked another question on my formspring about myself. It went something like this:
Anonymous person: are you anorexic or naturally skinny
me: Why does it matter?
Anonymous person: oh and you don't have to answer you're just really pretty and skinny
me: Well thanks(: But someone doesn't have to be skinny to be pretty.
After that I think they said something like: I know, I just mean you have the whole package.

That made me also very sad/: Skinny is not beautiful. I have a disease. A disease that makes me depressed, unable to go out to eat, sometimes even not hang out with friends, a disease that makes me unable to go to sleep at a normal time at night. A disease that has controlled me for almost 2 years. A disease that I want to overcome.

I can't tell everyone now that I have an eating disorder. No. I will write a book later in life, when I'm recovered. I'll tell all the aspects of recovery and how you can get help. I'll raise awareness about the disease and hopefully bring hope to people's lives. Hopefully one day I can reduce the number of people in the world that have eating disorders. Because one day, I will be one more person that has completely recovered. One day, I will be one more person that is free.

Omg, this post is so long. I'll get to the pictures now(: Thanks so much if you read every word, you're amazing!


I made this on Sunday. Let me just say, this is one of the best things I've ever made. No guilt cheesecake! I love it(:

Chik'n nuggets(: These are the best thing to real chicken nuggets. I love this brand. They have amazing "chik'n" stuff.

I LOVED this idea(: One serving broccoli and cheese! They also have corn. I really liked this because I didn't have to measure it out.

This is a really good book. If you haven't read any of her other books, you should! They're all pretty good. I had to fight to put it down. I would have been reading for hours and been done with it if I hadn't of put it down(:


Then just a feel good video(: I love this song.

Have a great night everyone! <3


  1. I got here through Missy Miller's blog. You have a lot of wisdom. AN is a hard school but we all have our crosses, I suppose. I feel a lot of power in you. You can do recovery. Just go step by step. Last summer as I jogged in Miami Beach a guy yelled after me "give her a piece of steak", some other folks whispered as I went by on several occasions. Guys stopped looking at me. Now that I have been able to gain back a bit, this has changed. I see people looking at me differently - not with that scared/semi-disgusted face.

    AN wants to make us ugly. AN wants to destroy our lives. Let's not let that happen.

    Hugs to you, "lil' sis"!

  2. Thanks for the comment! <3

    I'm so happy that things are going well with your treatment team. I'm scared but excited to meet my nutritionist so I can get that help too. And I admire you for being able to hand that control to your parents, I don't know if I could do that!

    The formspring thing is just so sad. It shows how distorted our world's perception of worth and beauty really is. It's good that you tried to show them that beauty is so much more.

    Thanks for another inspiring post. Have a great rest of the week and stay strong!


  3. Hey D! im so glad your appt went well and that you are please with your team. I think seomtimes, seeing another anorexic person, can be a wake up call that we need, we can see, in reality, in front of us-the truth of the disease and its NOT pretty or appealing is it?
    Skinny is NOT pretty, heck, look at bootyliscious beyonce and fit n healthy jessica biel! theyre HEALTHY! but more importantle
    y, A HEALTHY MIND AND LIFE! is what we are striving for, one that WE control, NOT anrexia.
    Good luck with ur day, stay strong and remember, recovery isnt easy, but its worth it!

  4. I'm really hopefull that new approach will help you. And by being open and willing to try it, it will have so much more of a chance to actually work. I know how hard it is to hand over that control. But no one said recovery was easy. It's uncomfortable and scary! I'm excited to hear how it all goes for you.

    I for one could have never done this kind of "method" not because of refusing, but because if I'd let my mom fix all my meals I either would have never ate, or had cheese curls and coke for every meal. No joke! Haha!

    <3 Tori

  5. Oh my gosh, your post hit me home! I always get that comment, "You are so beautiful and ohmygosh, so thin too! I want to be like you!"

    It puts a HUGE pressure on me. It is like I can't get fat. I can't get ugly. I can't let them down. Beautiful equates to being thin!

    It feeds my ED thinking.

    In reality, it is not true. Rationally, I know that.

    This is why I've come to NOT like this "Thin is beautiful".

    SO thank you for writing that post today. It makes me feel better to know that I am not the JUST one feeling this way.


  6. Hello, dear. I hope very much that this new approach to treatment works out for you! You can do this, and you will. I have faith in you!

    I understand completely your (scratch that, your eds) immediate desire to default to bulimia. That is EXACTLY what happened to me. The moment I entered recovery years ago and started to eat more, I compensated by throwing up. Before long, I couldn't stop. Not only did it not cure my anorexia, it created a whole other set of issues and made me even more sick and scared and miserable. It took years for me to stop purging. It's not worth it. Please, please, please do not go there! If those thoughts or desires persist, please talk to someone about them right away to avoid spiraling down that path.

    Take care and good luck with everything <3

  7. Your post is so amazing. I found your blog through Emmy's and I'm really glad I did! When things get bad...I subconsciously slip back into bulimic tendencies.

    You can fight this and get through it. Also- my blog is private and I'd love to have contact with you- so could you email me your email so that I can add you to my list ? guo791999@gmail.com


  8. I am so glad to read this post! It sounds like you're ready to fight!!
    My mom had alot of control over my meals and such when I first started recovery, too. It was very difficult (we had our share of fights), but it was worth it to become healthy and eventually independent.
    Good luck!<3

  9. I am so proud of you, Danielle!!! I hope that you find the Maudsley Approach helpful- I have heard many good things about it. I understand your fear, though- it's terrifying to hand over your control over eating to someone else. I went through something similar when I was in partial hospitalization treatment- it was really scary at first- I was anxious and very angry at times, but in time I found that there was actually freedom in having no possible way to listen to my eating disorder. Eating disorders make us feel in control, but in reality we are out of control by letting an illness control us. Giving up control temporarily to your parents and treatment team will ultimately help you gain control over your life and achieve freedom from ED. <3 Keep staying strong girl! You can do this!

    And I definitely feel for you with receiving comments on your body from other people. Hopefully if we keep speaking out about it, people will start to understand how destructive those types of comments are. I love that quote you posted in your comment to me, by the way. it is so true.

  10. Seeing other anorexics sux. Big time.

    I hate it...
    I never know if they are in complete denial or struggling with recovery (like me) but I try and hope that they might just be exercising their allotted time, and know they have a problem and are working on it...etc.

    And what the huh?
    That fomspring question was weird.
    I read your blog and I have no idea what you look like, could that be someone you know maybe?
    Move on.