The future

This year, has probably been one of the hardest years of my life. It started off okay, then gradually got worse and worse as my eating got worse and I isolated myself even more, but now, I think it may finally be starting to get better.

I have decided to go back to a public school. Not my awful previous school, but a brand new one, by my mom's work a half hour away from home. I like the idea of it, a fresh start. I'm going crazy being locked up in the house all the time. I can't live like this anymore. It's going to be a little scary to start a new school, but I gotta do it. Once this semester of my online school is over, I'm starting a new school.

At first I wanted to go back to my old school, but then I realized that was a lie. My friends, are not real friends. Yeah I'll still talk to them, but they're just not there for me. C gossips like there's no tomorrow, and J is still in denial struggling with her eating disorder.. and she's usually not there for me. When she is there for me, its usually only for a week, then the next week I don't hear from her. Oh well, just best not to dwell on it. It just wasn't meant to be. I hope they're happier in the future.

I finally met with a physical therapist, and I learned a lot. I learned how the body works, and how when I was only eating 500 calories a day, I was only feeding one part of my body. No wonder I was close to dying! It made me feel a lot better about eating. She said still no cardio, but a 30 minute walk once a week won't hurt. I'll need permission from my doctor though. She did say I could do yoga and pilates! I did an abs pilates tonight.. I did it before, and it's hard! But I wasn't thinking about the calories burned, I was thinking about my form in pilates, and stuff like that. I kinda liked that(: I can't wait for the snow to melt so I can start running outside.. I miss running!

I also met with a psychiatrist. The bad part is.. I have depression. But I already knew that. The good news is, she prescribed me with depression meds. I kinda feel a little more hopeful knowing things might get better.

I forgot to mention, last night me & my mom stayed at a hotel too! See, the roads are super bad, and there was ice storms in the forecast for when I was supposed to go to the clinic an hour away, so we just decided to stay at a hotel by there. It was so nice! We ate at the restaurant, and I ate soo much! For me anyway, my stomach is probably the size of a small pea right now.. oh well, I need food(: I skipped breakfast, and had a super tiny lunch. From now on, I'll make sure my meals are planned. My mom is helping me too, she's gonna premake my lunches and arrange them in the fridge or write them down on paper and set them on the kitchen table.

I have learned so much in the past year. I'm so much stronger. And smarter. I finally have the knowledge to beat this. I know that I need food to live, to function. Without food, I can't even put my makeup on! I have difficulty breathing. I'm "high" and numb. I can't really live life without food. Gaining weight is going to be scary, but I'm gonna do it. I want my strong body back. I want to run again! I want to fully live again. Now, I'm on my way getting there.


Oh one more thing! This video is really cool(: I saw it a few days ago, and I love the message of it.



Have a great night everyone! And happy new years!(: