Tuesday, December 14, 2010



I feel like screaming right now. And throwing things. Violent much? .. I guess. I'm so mad right now. And sad. I have mixed emotions I guess.

I was excited to go to the clinic tonight because 1. I get out of the house & 2. I get help from my eating disorder.

Well.. that didn't seem to improve my mood. I was in a good mood until I got there. See my therapist, is super nice and understanding. But she doesn't help me deal with the feelings of eating more. I guess I can deal with them myself, but I'm still mad. But not really about that. She was happy that I started eating more and we're going to have a "family dinner" at the clinic next week & she's going to observe it.

We're going to have spaghetti.. which I pretty much hate. Or, well I guess the ED made me hate it. I'm more open to eating it now, but not with garlic bread. The ED sees that as a pound of fat that's just going to cling to me forever. Not really, but I still feel.. I don't know.

Anyway, after that I met with my doctor there. She said that I'd lost weight probably because my metabolism had gone up from eating more, and that I shouldn't work out. Even after I told her my workout plan, and even after I diminished it to walking with my dog for 20 minutes, she said no working out.

After that, I met with my dietitian. That's what got me angry. And sad. I felt like, attacked the whole time. She pretty much threw my vegetarianism out the window and said I should start eating meat again for protein. Then, she told me no more diet snacks (even though I don't purposely buy sugar free pudding.. that double chocolate kind is the kind I like, and it just happens to be sugar free), then she told me to have a snack after breakfast, after lunch, and after dinner. Even if I was still really full. So I told her maybe I could try some soy pudding and she said that would probably be good but then I should stop clinging to organic foods(she didn't exactly say that, but it was like that).

So, the night did not go well. The dietitian even told my mom that she should start eating meat again to like, help me start eating it! No. Thanks. I was so mad and frustrated. I was so sad too because she was not nice to me the whole session. She rarely smiled at all, I felt like she was lecturing me. I mean, she's a nice person but I don't know what happened. I feel like I almost did something wrong like I usually do.

I always feel like I'm the one that did something wrong. Me, J, and C hung out again on Thursday, but they haven't talked to me much since. I feel so stupid. Why don't they like me? We had so much fun & we laughed the whole time we hung out. When are people ever going to care?

I guess, I just have to do things my way. I'm not going to live for someone else, I'm living for ME. I'm gonna eat the way I want to eat. Not the way my mom wants me too, not the way my "team" wants me to, and especially not the way my eating disorder wants me too. From now on, I come first. Not my eating disorder. Not other people. I am so done people pleasing and eating disorder pleasing. It's time I start getting MY life back.

To start doing that, I'm going to start volunteering. At animal shelters and stuff like that. I'm going to try to find people that love and care about me. And I'm going to start going for peaceful walks with my dog again. Because I want to. If my ED wants to go for a walk, then I will eat something and not exercise at all that day. Because I'm living for myself now.


  1. It sounded like you had a rough time with your therapist and treatment team.

    I know you would like to "eat your way", but your treatment team really knows what is the best for you especially so early in the stage of your recovery. I'd suggest you to follow what they have to say to you in your treatment.

    Then when you are in a healthier place then I would be more inclined to agree with your statement of wanting to eat your own way.

    It is not easy, I get it , and it is scary. I know you can do it though. We all are rooting for you as you continue into your recovery.

  2. You are SOP strong.
    I love how you flipped the switch on your attitude yesterday and even in this post...you are just really wow-ing me.
    It sucks that your dietician and you are not getting along. I feel pretty strongly that you need a good relationship with a nutri who can meet you where you are at.

    I ate meat when I first started recovery....turkey and seafood. Now I eat turkey a couple times a year and LOVE...no. LOVELOVELOVE seafood.

    I have been vegetarian for 12 years at the time! Never say never -- but like you said "you" comes first. Just cause you have an eating disorder doesn't necessaruily mean all your food choices are made from a disordered thoughtline. But you have to check yourself, ok? Make sure you are vegetarian for YOU and not ED or restriction.


  3. I think the dietician and therapist really were just trying to help you, but they didn't do a very good job did they?

    When I saw a therapist, we rarely talked about food. And I know just as well as you that EDs are not just about food, but let's be honest, it's still nice to be able to confide in the therapist about food worries and anxieties. Most of the time therapists don't know how to do that though, and they just want to talk about the external forces that may have caused the disorder, life relationships and stuff.

    Your dietician on the other hand, I don't get at all. She should have been trained to cater to a vegetarian diet when she went to school! No matter what, you can still get ample amounts of protein without having to eat meat, so I don't understand her logic there. But I also wasn't in the room with you, so I don't know fully how and why it went the way it did. Maybe, you are clinging to rigidly to organic products? Maybe? Just think about where she's coming from and go from there. And maybe, she's just not the right dietician. It's perfectly normal to go through many people to finally find the right "team". Or so I've heard. I don't have a "team" at all, but I know that the first people who you go to see, aren't always going to be the best people to help you.

    Hope it all gets better!
    <3 Tori

  4. Sorry to hear that you did not have such a good time at the clinic.
    To be honest with you all the help that I have gotten in the last 7 years none of it actually is helping me now in my recovery. The only thing that are helping and the things that I choose for myself. If you wanne be a veggie then be a veggie. If you wanne go for a 20min walk (which is okay) then do it! Every human deserves their own space and deserves to decide what to do with their time. even people with ED. you just need to make sure that you can control your ED voice and not give into walking for 2 hours or so. And having not only fat free pudding. that is my opinion. You can control your recovery and I think that is most important so that you can let go of the ED. You do not need the ED to live your life.
    Hope that helps a little and if you need more help, i'd be happy to share anything with you

  5. Danielle,
    I've been there with a bad nutritionist. Can you switch?


  6. Gosh, I know how how feel!

    It is hard to hear, but your treatment team are just trying to help. I know when my dietician suggests things, sometimes I want to scream, because I feel as if she doesn't know anything. As long as you can be veggie and fuel yourself properly, then by all means, be veggie. My dietician once told me I was never going to recover unless I ate some foods that I have never eaten since I was a baby, and I want to prove her wrong! You should try to do the same thing. Prove to your team that you can do it whilst being a veggie.

    I think it is so positive that you are taking a stand, and following your thoughts, because your thoughts are the one that matters. You should eat for you, not for ED or your parents.

    If you need anything, give me a shout

  7. I'm sorry you had such a rough therapy session!

    Do you know any other therapists? If you want I can ask my nutritionist if she knows any good nutritionists in your area? But..I don't know where you live.

    I'm not a biggy on meat either.. I'm not vegan but just don't like alto of meat. My nutritionist gave me some other way to eat protein like Greek yogurt (I have this every day usually), eggs, rice and beans (together make a complete protein)...Those were the main ones I was comfortable with. If your like any of these you could suggest them to your nutritionist. I don't know what she's trying to do, but you should probably listen. Especially in early stages of recovery.

    I was reluctant when my nutritionist suggested trying new foods or adding more food, but she asked me just to try and see. What I was doing wasn't working and if I ended up not liking her way I all ready new how to restrict and lose weight IF I gained any. So why not try and see? I tried and haven't gone all the way back. Ups and downs, definitely, but not completely back.

    Keep pushing forward! You can work through this.