I feel like screaming right now. And throwing things. Violent much? .. I guess. I'm so mad right now. And sad. I have mixed emotions I guess.
I was excited to go to the clinic tonight because 1. I get out of the house & 2. I get help from my eating disorder.
Well.. that didn't seem to improve my mood. I was in a good mood until I got there. See my therapist, is super nice and understanding. But she doesn't help me deal with the feelings of eating more. I guess I can deal with them myself, but I'm still mad. But not really about that. She was happy that I started eating more and we're going to have a "family dinner" at the clinic next week & she's going to observe it.
We're going to have spaghetti.. which I pretty much hate. Or, well I guess the ED made me hate it. I'm more open to eating it now, but not with garlic bread. The ED sees that as a pound of fat that's just going to cling to me forever. Not really, but I still feel.. I don't know.
Anyway, after that I met with my doctor there. She said that I'd lost weight probably because my metabolism had gone up from eating more, and that I shouldn't work out. Even after I told her my workout plan, and even after I diminished it to walking with my dog for 20 minutes, she said no working out.
After that, I met with my dietitian. That's what got me angry. And sad. I felt like, attacked the whole time. She pretty much threw my vegetarianism out the window and said I should start eating meat again for protein. Then, she told me no more diet snacks (even though I don't purposely buy sugar free pudding.. that double chocolate kind is the kind I like, and it just happens to be sugar free), then she told me to have a snack after breakfast, after lunch, and after dinner. Even if I was still really full. So I told her maybe I could try some soy pudding and she said that would probably be good but then I should stop clinging to organic foods(she didn't exactly say that, but it was like that).
So, the night did not go well. The dietitian even told my mom that she should start eating meat again to like, help me start eating it! No. Thanks. I was so mad and frustrated. I was so sad too because she was not nice to me the whole session. She rarely smiled at all, I felt like she was lecturing me. I mean, she's a nice person but I don't know what happened. I feel like I almost did something wrong like I usually do.
I always feel like I'm the one that did something wrong. Me, J, and C hung out again on Thursday, but they haven't talked to me much since. I feel so stupid. Why don't they like me? We had so much fun & we laughed the whole time we hung out. When are people ever going to care?
I guess, I just have to do things my way. I'm not going to live for someone else, I'm living for ME. I'm gonna eat the way I want to eat. Not the way my mom wants me too, not the way my "team" wants me to, and especially not the way my eating disorder wants me too. From now on, I come first. Not my eating disorder. Not other people. I am so done people pleasing and eating disorder pleasing. It's time I start getting MY life back.
To start doing that, I'm going to start volunteering. At animal shelters and stuff like that. I'm going to try to find people that love and care about me. And I'm going to start going for peaceful walks with my dog again. Because I want to. If my ED wants to go for a walk, then I will eat something and not exercise at all that day. Because I'm living for myself now.