I've struggled with calorie counting for months now. Because with an eating disorder, gradually comes calorie counting. At my worst moments, I count every single thing that enters my mouth. One pita chip. A bite of a cupcake. Gum. Everything is added up and memorized for the end of the day total.
Now is realize, calorie counting is a load of crap. Why do we count our food? Why? Some of us are food conscious, wanting to lose or gain weight. Sometimes with me it's like an OCD thing. I used to double and triple check the "total" at the end of each day.
But in the end, was I happy with calorie counting? Of course not!! 100 calories over my desired amount, and I'm dubbed a failure.
This is why, I'm wanting to try intuitive eating. I know it's not really something other people think I should try just yet, but it feels right. Last night, I felt like eating what my mom was making for dinner (cheese filled pasta shells with a pasta sauce and a salad) then eat a coffee cup full of frozen yogurt with ff reddi whip and white chocolate chips on top. At first, Ed kept telling me- do you KNOW how many calories are in that pasta? Look on the back? I looked. So? It's not that much. Ed-well, still. Pasta is off limits! Me- Haha maybe to you, but not to me! And I ate it. It was really good! I may not like spaghetti anymore, but I still like other types of pasta. My fear of pasta is gone:D Yay olive garden! There's this breaded lasagna I've been wanting to get for months, it's my favorite thing on the menu & it's an appetizer, so now I can finally get it!
So, calorie counting only leads to bad things. It leads to me starving myself.. and my grandpa and dog telling me to eat!
See, my grandpa passed away about 4 years ago. I was really sad for a long time, but eventually I just accepted it. Then, I forgot about him. But starting about a month ago, I've been starting to smell random food. Subway, Pizza hut, stuff like that just in the air, around me. When that usually happens, I'm usually very hungry and have skipped a meal and am home alone. No one in the neighborhood is cooking something like that, so I figured it must be my grandpa! He loved food, and I think he wants me to eat. To cure my relationship with food. My dog plays a part in that too.
Yesterday, I didn't know what to have for breakfast so I got a bowl of cinnamon sugar pita chips. I knew they were high calorie, and I was home alone and worried, so I called my dog over. I was on the couch, and put some chips out for her to eat, to share them with me. I'll never forget the look she gave me. It was kinda like- this is your medicine. Eat it. Please, I can't eat that. It was so weird! It took me 5 minutes of me convincing her to eat it that she finally did.
I also did end up talking with my mom, and she said that she felt helpless in trying to help me. I never knew that! So I told her that we had to work together, and that I need her help, but I can't have her controlling everything I eat.
Everything is finally starting to look better(: I just have to keep working at this, and not give up. I think I would rather weigh a litte more and be free, then be sickly skinny and miserable anyway.
This is lovely to read!keep eating those foods you want, not ed, YOU!! X
ReplyDeleteI calorie counted like none other at one point. I knew the caloric amount for practically everything. I could have gotten an A if I had taken a class on caloric values of food. haha-- my brain was so clouded with these numbers I'm sure it affected my actual studies.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how it happened but randomly when I was in treatment - I realized I stopped counting calories. I just did... I'm not sure how it happened.
Hang in there :) You can do this. You can be free. We can both do it
OH I have a poem to share with you :)
hope, freedom, life
nothing can stop me
nothing will hamper me
ED move out of the way
go fuck yourself
nothing will get in my way
I LOVE this....I LOVE that you just put the ice cream and cereal in a bowl and not measured.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to stop...cause we know the counts for everything...stopping measuring helps.
What helps me, too, is starting to make stuff on my own like guacamole and hummus and stuff...the more stuff without a label the better.
I love that you are remembering food again...same thing happened to me. Your like "that smells good...wait why can't I have that? Oh yeah, stupid ED....but wait! That's not me anymore. I CAN have that."
~Missy
I'm so happy you were able to eat the pasta! Overcoming a fear is a huge step.
ReplyDeleteCalorie counting is such a drag, sometimes I still slip up and do it. What helped me was to try to focus more on roughly balancing out my food groups rather than being stuck counting numbers that really don't mean anything anyway. Do whatever works for you, though!
Keep up the good work!<3
It's so liberating when you finally stop calorie counting. I haven't counted calories in a long time and it's such a great feeling. I still catch myself from time to time roughly adding up the numbers in my head, but eating more home cooked and unmeasured food definitely helps.
ReplyDeleteGood job on getting over your fear of pasta. I conquered that one as well a while ago, and although I don't particularly like pasta it's nice to know I can eat it should I want to.
You're doing great and reading your posts is really inspirational. Keep it up!
You are doing so well, Danielle! I loved reading every sentence of this!! If it helps you at all, calorie counting is now considered to many as "outdated". The values don't take into account how much energy the body needs to digest certain foods. Take a handful of nuts and a low-calorie soft chocolate brownie, for example. Many would go for the chocolate brownie because it's lower in calories. But to the body, the nuts are more nutritious and they are harder for the body to digest meaning that your body has to work harder to digest the nuts and therefore uses more energy. Also, your mouth has to work harder to bite into the nuts unlike the brownie. Crazy stuff, right?
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about calories. The past few days I've been eating well over 3000 cals and I haven't gained a thing because I listened to my body and it was what my body wanted. I was hungry for it all! According to calculators and what have you, i should have gained about 5 lbs by now, but I haven't. Sometimes, it's better to trust your own metabolism and not an online calorie counter ;)
xxx
I'm guilty with obsessingly calorie-counting myself. You name it, I know the calories of it. So since November I started to not count the calories anymore and eat what my body tells me to, and it has the most amazing effect on me & my relationship with food! It's interesting how girls and women feel so guilty and beat themselves up over everything, and in the end expect to become a better, more loveable person. There's no logic in that. Which is kinda my new year's resolution: be kind to yourself.
ReplyDelete