I've struggled with calorie counting for months now. Because with an eating disorder, gradually comes calorie counting. At my worst moments, I count every single thing that enters my mouth. One pita chip. A bite of a cupcake. Gum. Everything is added up and memorized for the end of the day total.
Now is realize, calorie counting is a load of crap. Why do we count our food? Why? Some of us are food conscious, wanting to lose or gain weight. Sometimes with me it's like an OCD thing. I used to double and triple check the "total" at the end of each day.
But in the end, was I happy with calorie counting? Of course not!! 100 calories over my desired amount, and I'm dubbed a failure.
This is why, I'm wanting to try intuitive eating. I know it's not really something other people think I should try just yet, but it feels right. Last night, I felt like eating what my mom was making for dinner (cheese filled pasta shells with a pasta sauce and a salad) then eat a coffee cup full of frozen yogurt with ff reddi whip and white chocolate chips on top. At first, Ed kept telling me- do you KNOW how many calories are in that pasta? Look on the back? I looked. So? It's not that much. Ed-well, still. Pasta is off limits! Me- Haha maybe to you, but not to me! And I ate it. It was really good! I may not like spaghetti anymore, but I still like other types of pasta. My fear of pasta is gone:D Yay olive garden! There's this breaded lasagna I've been wanting to get for months, it's my favorite thing on the menu & it's an appetizer, so now I can finally get it!
So, calorie counting only leads to bad things. It leads to me starving myself.. and my grandpa and dog telling me to eat!
See, my grandpa passed away about 4 years ago. I was really sad for a long time, but eventually I just accepted it. Then, I forgot about him. But starting about a month ago, I've been starting to smell random food. Subway, Pizza hut, stuff like that just in the air, around me. When that usually happens, I'm usually very hungry and have skipped a meal and am home alone. No one in the neighborhood is cooking something like that, so I figured it must be my grandpa! He loved food, and I think he wants me to eat. To cure my relationship with food. My dog plays a part in that too.
Yesterday, I didn't know what to have for breakfast so I got a bowl of cinnamon sugar pita chips. I knew they were high calorie, and I was home alone and worried, so I called my dog over. I was on the couch, and put some chips out for her to eat, to share them with me. I'll never forget the look she gave me. It was kinda like- this is your medicine. Eat it. Please, I can't eat that. It was so weird! It took me 5 minutes of me convincing her to eat it that she finally did.
I also did end up talking with my mom, and she said that she felt helpless in trying to help me. I never knew that! So I told her that we had to work together, and that I need her help, but I can't have her controlling everything I eat.
Everything is finally starting to look better(: I just have to keep working at this, and not give up. I think I would rather weigh a litte more and be free, then be sickly skinny and miserable anyway.