Friday, December 17, 2010

I will never be as bad as I used to be

I've had so many thoughts about my past lately. Maybe because I'm really depressed all the time, but I just keep remembering them.

I used to always think about my old friends, but now that I talked to them again and know that it may not work out between them, I don't think about that at all anymore because I no longer miss them.

I've really been thinking about one time in particular.

I was at my cabin, it was July. It was deep in my eating disorder. I was only eating less than 500 calories a day. My body looked like a 10 year olds. But, I remember that I wanted to recover, but something was pulling me back. I now know that was my eating disorder, but I was so torn and lost at the moment, I had no idea.

I decided to bake at the cabin, and when I always bake, I eat. I baked sugar cookie bars and these s'mores bars. I decided to only eat one of each, but that didn't happen.

What happened was, I baked the sugar cookie bars, and ate a ton of mini chocolate cookies along the way, along with some frosting, and 1 sugar cookie bar when they were done. To a normal person, they probably wouldn't feel that full, but to me I felt awful. So I did what I always do when I feel bad about what I ate, I drank tons of water. I was even more full after that, and I still felt awful so I took a nap.

The rest of the day, only kept getting worse. I kept eating more and more and cooking, and I felt so bad about it. I vowed not the eat the next day.

After dinner that day, I was still extremely guilty, so I jumped in the lake by our cabin and started swimming, to burn calories. I was still really full too, so I didn't swim much. But it felt good to exercise, I almost got a high from it in a way.

The next day came around, and all the food was still there. I was so tempted by it. So I drank water and skipped breakfast. But I started getting hungry, so I started eating. I couldn't stop, so I came up with a "plan".

I took a lot of sweets downstairs into the bathroom, and started chewing and spitting. I was eating some too, which I felt bad about so I tried to throw up. It didn't work. So I begged my mom to go swimming, and I started swimming again, even more than before. That was probably the worst weekend of my life.

I'm not sure why I keep remembering that. I always think about it almost every day. Maybe I was close to happy then, but I don't think so. I just remember that being one of the worst times of my eating disorder. I remember another really bad time, but I'll write about that later.

I have been trying to find ways to make me happy, but I'll write about that later too. This post was mainly to vent. Maybe I'll finally start to forget that bad weekend now.

But we always have to remember, we can't be jealous of those thinner than us. Because in reality, we're jealous of their illness, not of them.


  1. I have those bad flashbacks of times where I was nothing without my eating disorder. I remember hovering over the kitchen sink at my grandmother's house one afternoon, chewing and spitting out rice krispy treat bars.......ugh! I was so messed up!

    It's hard to think about those times, but I think it's good to vent and get the feelings out. Maybe this will help you let go of them.

    <3 Tori

  2. I have times like that, times that stand out to me, kinda like road marks in my eating disorder, I shudder looking back on them, I don't dwell on them if let them get me down though,there's no point in that! Just keep on keeping on with life now! Xx

  3. I love the quote that you have at end of your post.

    I have been struggling with my past as well. So you are not the only one.

  4. Venting is good! I'm glad you could get this off your chest. Know that you're not alone, Danielle! I have eating disorder memories that haunt me as well. Whenever you're tempted to give into the ED, think of this memory and remind yourself that you never want to feel as badly as you did then. In the midst of an eating disorder it can be hard to see the future and what it will hold- but at least you know that through recovery, you will never have to deal with the pain you felt that weekend ever again.
    Thinking of you. <3 I'm sorry you're dealing with so much depression... I am too. It's so hard, but I'm so proud of you for pushing forward despite it. You're fighting your hardest, and that is going to pay off!
    p.s. LOVE your idea about making videos when we're all recovered... People in recovery need role models to look up to! I can't wait until we can all be those role models. :-) We're on our way!

  5. Just, lots of hugs. i have similar flashbacks sometimes to really tough weekends, when i felt a traitor to bother Anorexia and to Recovery...x

  6. Our worst days in recovery are better than even our best days in disease.